


Run All the Way Home

by allofmystudensrunaway



Category: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Growth, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Mutual Pining, Nostalgia, Oh My God, Past Torture, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romulans, Section 31 (Star Trek), Sorry Not Sorry, Soulmates, Starship Enterprise (Star Trek), The Borg, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, and back to enemies again, probably
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-30
Updated: 2020-06-01
Packaged: 2020-06-04 14:33:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 38
Words: 79,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19421803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allofmystudensrunaway/pseuds/allofmystudensrunaway
Summary: Okay this is set tail end of season 5 beginning of season 6 of next generation, then we do a little jump forward to Nemesis so i could do a little fix it on that god awful movie. This is basically a star trek canon compliant novel with borg and romulans and a fair to middling amount of smut. also a kick ass plot, that i am quite proud of..now please excuse me i have a ship to blow up.





	1. an unexpected and  unwelcome meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just a love story with all the tropes. suggested song since we are being old school..nickelback, trying not to love you *sniggers and runs off* A note on timings the first part of this story takes place in late season five/ early season six, the second part (upcoming) takes place around ten years later just after the events of 'nemesis' actually to be more accurate..  
> This story,( that i have spent the last couple of months scribbling down like a demented banshee), is about how what you need in your twenties, is different from what you need in your thirties, that recovery is possible as is redemption and how the idea of soul mates is so much horseshit. So growth,but with borg and romulans and a fair to middling amount of smut. also a kick ass plot, that i am quite proud of..now please excuse me i have a ship to blow up.

Chris took a deep breath and let it hiss out between her teeth, she pinched the bridge of her nose in a vain attempt to relive the ache beating out a staccato rhythm in her head and ran the program again. The error was still there, any minute the head of astrometrics would be screaming “Why haven’t you fixed the problem” at her over the con-again. She leaned back in her seat and looked around. The cavernous space around the warp core was almost empty, quiet aside from the thrum of the engines and the lights dimmed for the ‘nightshift’. She was pretty much alone, which was exactly how she liked things.  
“Come on you bastard where are you” she muttered and scanned the data again. A recursive error in one of the sub-processors was mangling data from a long distance probe. So far the one tiny error had deprived the astrometrics lab of a front row seat at the collapse of a dying star and herself of a good nights sleep. Squinting at the rapidly blurring lines of code, Chris leaned forward and rested her chin on her folded arms. The head ache was getting exponentially worse, she blinked and yawned. Her eyes were starting to become to heavy for her to hold open, ‘it wouldn’t hurt to shut them for a moment would it?’ A very tired part of her mind suggested her. ‘just to block out the painful light for a single blessed second-”  
There was a golden beach, either side of her it stretched off into the distance, it’s limits lost in the summer haze. In front was the sea, small blue waves breaking eternally into lacy white spray. She knew without looking that behind her lay dunes and beyond that a gentle slope of soft springy turf that led to the village. Home, she was home and part of her knew she dreamed. The heat of the sun was making her drowsy and soon Mamma would call her for dinner, but for now she had time to lay on the warm sand, watch the clouds and listen to the Tatsu-birds call.  
She was sleeping, dreaming a dream within her dream when something slithered and hissed in the sand by her shoulder. She jumped to her feet, a nightmare from childhood stood a few feet away. It’s reddish brown fur was covered in sand, though it’s coat was more scale than fur, the head though had peeled back revealing a huge mouth studded with wickedly pointed teeth. Chris turned and tried to run, the thing launched itself at her; she jerked awake and found herself staring into a startled pair of blue eyes.  
“Fuck” she muttered, dragging a breath into a chest gone suddenly tight.  
“Are you alright” The interloper asked, a stupid question really. Chris shook her head trying to clear the cobwebs.  
“No I’m fucking not! I can’t believe I fell asleep!” she thumped the arm of her chair, “How long was I asleep?” she demanded.  
“I really don’t know, I was on my way back from the party and I heard you snoring” He was grinning, clearly enjoying her discomfort for some perverse reason. The grin got wider as Chris felt her cheeks start to burn.  
“I was snoring?” she groaned. When she finally looked at the guy properly, her mortification grew worse. The red blur she had taken as a generic command uniform was edged with gold piping-a dress uniform. Chris’ heart sank to her knees as she noticed the bearded man also had three solid gold pips on his collar.  
“Are you Commander Riker?”  
“Last time I checked” he wiggled his eyebrows at her, Chris didn’t notice her brain was too busy screaming ‘you said fuck to the first officer-twice’ over and over again like some god awful mantra. He was giving her an odd look like he was waiting for something.  
“I’m sorry that I swore, Commander it won’t happen again.” she tried to sound professional, but to her own ears the apology had a note of childish stupidity about it.  
“It was my fault, I startled you. Lieutenant?”  
“Garrick sir, Christine Garrick.”  
“Geordi’s new senior systems engineer?”  
“Yes sir, that is correct.” Chris assumed he would leave then. She wanted him to go and leave her to deal with both recalcitrant technology and her own mortal embarrassment. She was wondering if she could transfer somewhere else, the delta quadrant might be far enough. Instead of going away, Riker leaned himself against her work station and folded his arms.  
“You know it’s nearly three in the morning,” Riker said after a moment, “And I’m not sure engineering is the best place for a nap.”  
“I have work to do, there is a processing problem with a probe I need to sort out.” Chris was starting to get annoyed, why wouldn’t he just go the hell away?  
“ah yes the collapsing proto star, Commander Tegara is so excited about.”  
“I promised I would have it fixed by tomorrow, so if you will excuse me” she sat down and then added a respectful “Sir”. He still didn’t move, just leaned there entirely at ease, with an amused smile tugging at his bearded lips.  
“You should go to bed.” he said quietly.  
“Sir!, please I have to get this finished.” Chris gritted her teeth, her patience was starting to wear out.  
“I could order you, I am the first officer.” She glared at him as he stroked his chin.  
“Sir-”  
“Lieutenant Garrick, you look terrible go to bed” he raised an eyebrow at her, for emphasis she supposed. Chris smiled and stood up.  
“Sir thank you for your concern, but I have to get this done. You should go to bed, like you say you are the first officer. You need your beauty sleep more than me.”Chris had meant to sound conciliatory, but sarcasm wound it way into her words. She saw Riker had heard it too, his expression went stony for a moment.  
“I was escorting Ambassador Lenas back to her quarters, she is an old friend.” It was Riker’s turn to look annoyed, Chris took a little delight in that. She heard the gossip of course, it was hard to avoid it. She had been on board less than a month and barely socialised, but even she had heard about Will-the- thrill Riker. The man flirted as naturally as breathing with everybody, faced with someone he couldn’t charm, he didn’t seem to know what to do.  
“Commander what you do in your free time is your own business, as is mine. Right now I am choosing to work.”  
“Is Tegara giving you a hard time about this?” Chris didn’t answer him, maybe if she just ignored him he would leave or at least shut up. Riker though seemed to take her silence as confirmation, “ I could have a word with him, tell him to cut you some slack.”  
“I can cope with Tegara” Chris growled ‘how bloody dare you’ .  
“Really? Cause the evidence says otherwise” he held up his hands encompassing the empty room, “Or do you always spend your evenings in here.”  
“If I need help, I’ll ask for it” the suggestion she required help had raised her hackles, “but not from you!” she added with vehemence.  
“we seem to have got of on the wrong foot here, I didn’t mean to upset you.” Riker at least had the decency to look contrite.  
“well you did ‘upset’ me.’ Now kindly go away.”  
“Alright I’ll go, I am sorry” he still didn’t move though, he just stood there looking at her with an odd expression,“Will you at least have dinner with me?” he blurted out after a couple of seconds of uncomfortable silence.  
“What?”the suddenness of the question caught Chris off guard she gaped at him.  
“Will you have dinner with me?” He repeated.  
“You just insulted my professional ability and now you are asking me out?” Chris stood up, Riker took a step back holding up his hands and flashing a wide grin at her.  
“I take it that’s a no then?”  
“of course it’s a no!” Chris sat back down and pretended to bury herself in the data scrolling across her monitor.  
“you might want to check adjacent systems, that looks like a hard ware problem. Probably a blown optical chip.” Riker leaned over her shoulder and pointed. His breath tickled her neck for a second, sending an unwelcome, but enjoyable shiver down her spine. “But you don’t need my help, goodnight Lieutenant.” He was gone, Chris shook her head and then turned back to her work, she was feeling a little discombobulated. ‘he is pretty’ she admitted to herself, ‘pretty arrogant’ and then she saw the problem, ‘Pretty, arrogant and right about the sensor problem’. Chris let out a frustrated groan “fuck.”


	2. want is one thing, need another.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> more sassy things.

Will rubbed his eyes and tried to focus on what Geordi was telling him, he was regretting not going to bed earlier. He stifled a yawn and leaned against the main console table. Geordi stopped talking.  
“You alright Commander?”  
“I’m fine” Will failed to stifle another yawn, he waved a dismissive hand at Geordi, “Sorry, didn’t get a lot of sleep.”  
“The Risan Ambassador’s reception?” Geordi chuckled, Will nodded. “That was one wild party, I didn’t leave until after one.”  
“I met your senior systems analyst last night.” Will tried to sound casual.  
“Lieutenant Garrick?”  
“Yes” Will scanned the nearest stations, he couldn’t see Garrick anywhere.  
“What do you think? She’s bright.” Geordi stood up and gestured for Will to follow him, they walked to Geordi office. Will subsided thank fully into a chair.  
“Bright? I can believe that. Forthright certainly.”  
“Really? I have found her kind of quiet.” Geordi frowned and picked a pad up from his desk, “Here the specs for the sensor upgrade, should have it done in a couple of days.”  
“Right” Will nodded reluctantly focussing back on ships business. “So warp will be offline for what? 48 hours?”  
“Yeah probably less, if I can have the relevant resources.”  
“No problem, I’ll inform the Captain.” Will stood up and stretched, reminding himself he still had another four hours or so before he could crawl back to his quarters and sleep. If sleep were possible; since every time he closed his eyes, all he could see was Garrick glaring at him like he was a complete idiot. It rankled him on several levels, but mostly because he knew he had acted like a boorish moron.   
“You sure it was Garrick you met?, she’s not exactly chatty, usually”  
“definitely, she was working away at three AM.”  
“That’s pretty excessive even for her, maybe I should talk to her.” Geordi looked at Will, clearly expecting him to concur. Will felt a tiny moment of guilty panic, and also remembered the ‘chat’ he had with Commander Tegara first thing that morning.  
“I’m pretty sure it’s nothing to worry about, she’s probably just diligent. She’s only been on board a month. Trying to impress, she’ll settle down they always do.” Will lied with a smile, Geordi frowned at him, he didn’t look convinced.  
“Commander!” the door opened abruptly and admitted an over excited Reg Barclay.  
“What is it Reg?”  
“Lieutenant Garrick’s team just completed the repairs, the probes data is coming in!”  
“Okay Reg, what was the issue.” Reg noticed Will sitting there and gave him a terrified smile.  
“Blown optical chips in adjacent systems.” Reg squeaked, Will smiled feeling if he was honest, a little smug.  
“okay Reg tell the lieutenant well done” Geordi said by way of dismissal. Barclay beat a hasty retreat.  
“So it was a blown chip huh?”  
“looks like.” Geordi raised an eyebrow, “It was a good catch.”  
“Yeah, maybe I’ll go tell lieutenant Garrick well done.”  
“Sure, I’ll call her.”  
“no think I’ll wander over, could do with a walk. Where were they working?”

The jefferies tubes underneath the sensor arrays were not somewhere Riker visited unless there was a very big problem with something vital. As he climbed up the ladder towards the hull, he told himself he was just checking on Garrick, nothing more. He would not embarrass himself or her again. He believed that until he poked his head into the crawl space beneath the sensors and saw her; Back resting against a bulkhead arms hugging her knees. She looked exhausted, Will realised he was about to be an idiot again. He had a moments indecision about what to do and decided to get the hell out of there, but it was too late. Garrick started to get up, but when she saw it was Riker she sat back down.  
“I hear it was a chip.” Will said in the mildest tone he could manage, as he climbed the last few rungs and stepped into the crampt compartment. It was small but at least he could stand upright.   
“Come to gloat Commander?” she raised an eyebrow at him.  
“Of course not, do you really think I am that petty?”  
“seriously?” Chris snorted, “I would have thought pettiness was a major part of your personality.”  
“So that is your opinion of me?” he was hurt, she had a vicious turn of phrase, words like needles.   
“Well, I do know you hate losing, you’re ridiculously competitive. I already told you I’m not interested in you and since you seem like the kind of man to respect that” She paused stood up and started gathering her equipment. “So your only motive for coming here is to gloat.”  
“That’s not true!”  
“So you didn’t come here to gloat?”  
“No, I didn’t like how we left things, I wanted to-” He searched for a non-flammable phrase, “Make peace.” Chris nodded thoughtfully, she dropped an E.M. regulator into her tool case and wandered over to Will.  
“Make peace?” She repeated folding her arms.  
“Yes that’s right.”  
“Tell me Commander do you concern yourself so closely with every crew person who dislikes you?”  
“Not usually”  
“Okay then why me Commander?”  
“Are we alone here” Will glanced round there were other jefferies tubes connected to this space, anyone could have heard their conversation.  
“yes, do you think I would be this rude to the first officer if there were witnesses?”  
“I suppose not” Will shifted his feet, his latent claustrophobia was starting to object to the confined space, between that and the sensations Chris’ nearness were inspiring he felt light headed, like his collar was too tight. “I like you, I like you a lot.” he blurted out. Chris sighed and covered her eyes for a moment. When she didn’t answer he plunged on doggedly, “I know you said you were not interested and I do respect that. I just couldn’t-I didn’t want you thinking I’m an asshole.”   
“Really is that why you spoke to Tegara, after I specifically requested that you did not.” her finger jabbed him in the chest, Will felt the blood drain from his face, so she knew about that.  
“Can you put that down to bad judgement please?”  
“You are the first officer, good judgement is supposed to be one of your specialities.” She was going to jab him in the chest again. Will caught her hand and to his confusion she didn’t pull away, he even felt her grip tighten.  
“You know what William?” Chris whispered, she let go of his hand and tentatively brushed an errant hair from his forehead.   
“It’s Will”  
“Okay then, Will, I do like you. I find you very attractive.” her fingers stroked his jaw, sending a bolt of heat down his spine, “But” her hand dropped away and she gave him a small sad smile “I am not getting involved in the mess that is your head.”  
“How do you know I’m a mess?”  
“Because, Will-” she paused, brow furrowing as she thought, Will tried not to be distracted by the way she said his name. “because we both know, that despite the fact you said you really liked me, you still came down here to gloat. You always have to win even if it hurts you or hurts someone you care about.”She was right and Will hated that, hated that she could read him so easily.   
“You are wrong, we have what? A 15 minute conversation and you think you know me?” He hissed back, his venomous anger took him by surprise. “you were still working, alone, at 3AM. Now we’ve already discussed my shortcomings, what about yours?”  
“I had work to do, it’s not that complex” Chris growled, but something in her expression told Will he had touched a nerve. He immediately felt bad, this was not what he wanted, Chris was right he was hurting her because he wanted to win. But it was too late to take it back, the conversation had it’s own terrible momentum.“What do you think they are?” Chris’ voice was flat and dangerous, she had asked the question and he had to answer it.   
“You don’t really want me to answer that do you?”  
“Yes, I do. Come on Commander! Tell me what you think.”  
“Well” His throat was dry.  
“I’m waiting.”  
“You like being alone, I think you like the safety of it. Tell me Lieutenant have you ever taken a chance on anything?”  
“You don’t know me” Her voice was ice.   
“Do you push everyone away like this?” Will asked softly. Briefly, Chris’ gaze flicked over his face.  
“That is none of your concern.”  
“Can I give you some advice Lieutenant?” he leaned down until his lips were just inches from hers, Chris stood her ground, woodenly looking at the floor. “Sooner or later you are going to realise that you can’t do this alone and I hope for your sake its sooner rather than later. Because you may just look up from your bubble and find yourself all alone.” He risked a look over his shoulder as he walked away, Chris was staring at his retreating back, her hazel eyes furious and tears slipping down her cheeks. ‘well done idiot, now she really hates you’ Will congratulated himself weakly.


	3. Green eyed jealousy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> assumptions can make anyone feel stupid.

Chris curled her self tighter in the armchair and glared at the distorted stars as they rushed past. She was still angry, still ruminating on Riker’s words, ‘why am I letting him get to me?’ she asked herself for maybe the fortieth time. It was a rhetorical question, she knew why. The bastard was right, he had read her like a book and that hurt. Chris heard the door to her quarters whoosh open, she didn’t bother to look knowing it was just her room mate. Hallima was her oldest friend and currently they were sharing quarters. There was soft thump as her friend threw herself down on the couch. “That was quite the day, I had to cover for Doctor Crusher”  
“Well that’s what you get for having a double speciality.” Chris reminded her. Hallima was both a medical doctor and a psychologist.   
“Did the window do something to upset you?”  
“Not the window”  
“The galaxy upset you ? cause you look like you are chewing a wasp.” Chris raised an eyebrow at her.  
“I’m fine, just not the greatest day of my career.”  
“Who did you upset?” Hallima grinned at her, Chris tried not to laugh. Head hanging off the couch, her mass of elegant dreadlocks dangling around her face she looked faintly ridiculous.  
“It’s not important.”  
“So we both had bad days, lets go to ten forward.”  
“I’m not in the mood”  
“Come on Chris, you missed that diplomatic bash last night. When was the last time you relaxed?” Chris didn’t answer her. “It’s been weeks hasn’t it?”  
“Just a couple.” Hallima made a disgusted noise.   
“I know things have been difficult, but you have got to stop hiding yourself away”  
“I am not hiding”  
“Then come to ten forward”  
“Hallima,i just don’t want to run into Commander Riker.”  
“What did you do to upset the First Officer?”  
“Nothing, he upset me ” Chris admitted, she picked at the sleeve of her uniform.  
“Hiding and from Will Riker too, I knew it” Hallima stood up “One drink okay?”   
“Alright, but if Riker is there-”  
“Then you will ignore him. What did Will Riker do to piss you off anyway?”  
“He asked me to dinner”  
“Oh I see” Hallima let out a long suffering sigh, “You like him back don’t you.” it wasn’t a question,   
“yeah, I do.” Chris couldn’t look her friend in the eye, and she really did not want to have this conversation again. “and I know what you are going to say, so please don’t”  
“Fine, but I will say that hiding yourself away is not the ideal course of action” Hallima held out her hand. Chris gripped her fingers with a smile.   
“Thank you for your insights Counsellor Niang” Chris laughed. Hallima shrugged and towed her out of their shared quarters.   
“Well that is what you get when you live with a psychologist.” 

“He’s here” Chris groaned as soon as they walked in, she could see Will sat with Worf. He saw her and stopped talking, his hands frozen mid gesture.  
“Is he, I hadn’t noticed” Hallima steered her to a table on the other side of the room. She sat Chris down and took the chair opposite her.  
“I think, I’ll go-” Hallimas hand shot out and grabbed her wrist.  
“No you won’t. You are going to have a drink, laugh at my jokes and not look over at him once.”  
“Hallima-”  
“Chris if you follow the usual pattern, you will spend the next 4 to 6 weeks driving me insane. So you owe me at least one drink. Though why you would want to forego that?” Hallima shook her head and looked at Will over her shoulder, “have you actually looked at him?”  
“You have a girlfriend.”  
“And I have eyes.” Hallima turned back still smiling, Chris let herself laugh at her teasing.”So what’s been going on in engineering?”  
“Not much, fixed a sensor problem”  
“Well that’s something.”  
“Not really, he told me what caused it.” She tipped her head towards where Will had resumed his conversation with Worf. He was pointedly looking everywhere but at her.  
“Oh he bested you? That must have smarted”  
“What makes you say that?”  
“Cause you hate to lose, don’t deny it!” Hallima was grinning and laughing to herself, “In that case it’s probably a good thing you turned him down.”  
“Why do you say that?”  
“You would end up killing each other.”  
“I’m not that bad”  
“Seriously, remember poker night at the academy?”  
“Alright point taken.”   
“Unlike Will Riker I do know you” Hallima laughed. “So what are we drinking?”  
“Surprise me.”  
“There’s a challenge, I’ll be right back. Stay put.” Hallima wagged a finger at her and headed for the bar. Chris studied her fingernails minutely, then turned her gaze towards the doors in an effort to not look at Will.   
A woman in a non-standard uniform walked in, dark curly hair bouncing merrily. Chris followed her with her eyes until she sat down at Wills table. Chris saw the smile that he greeted the stranger with and intense jealousy fountained up her spine. On the table her hands twitched into fists, she made herself take a deep breath and willed herself to relax. ‘none of my business’ she reminded herself sharply ‘you are not interested in him, remember’. Still she couldn’t stop watching them. Will reached out and took the woman’s hand, he seemed genuinely happy to see her. Chris felt her shoulders tense as red hot anger wound itself round her jealousy. Will choose that moment to look right at her. She glared back, hoping he could see the contempt she felt for him, instead she clearly sardonic amusement dancing in those very blue eyes.  
“Told you not to look over there” Hallima said quietly and stood blocking Chris’ view for a moment, she sat down with a sigh and placed a drink in front of Chris.   
“Sorry, couldn’t help it.”  
“Unless of course you changed your mind, then you should look all you want.”  
“What’s this?”Chris held up her glass of oddly purple hued liquid, hoping to change the subject.  
“it’s a Purple Parisian, you said surprise you.”   
“Tastes like soapy flowers.” Chris was trying to focus on Hallima, but her gaze kept slipping over her friends shoulder where she could just see the top of Will’s head and his shoulders hunched over in earnest conversation.   
“Chris, you could just ask me, I’ve been here a while.”  
“Ask you what?”  
“you know what” Hallima raised an eyebrow. Hallima’s powers of deduction were too good, there was no point lying.   
“So who is she? The perky betazed with the bouncy hair?” Reluctantly, Chris asked and took another sip of her noxious drink.   
“Now, now calm down. She’s the ship’s chief Counsellor Deanna Troi, I work with her, she and Will Riker are old friends, very old friends.”  
“So their not together, you’re sure?”   
“Chris, you have not been here long, but I’ve been here six months the gossip on this ship is better informed than star fleet intelligence, if they were together we would know.” Hallima wriggled in her seat then glanced back up at Chris. “Not that you care right?”  
“No I don’t, I just thought he might have been cheating on her. That’s all.” That was the problem though, she had instantly assumed she knew what he was up too and she had been wrong. It made her feel a little off-balance, she wanted to hate him, she wanted him to be an asshole.  
She wanted him.  
She wished she didn’t. Safer to let it die, safer to hide until the painful needing ebbed away.  
“Chris you alright?” Hallima’s brow was furrowed with concern. Chris shook herself and smiled weakly.  
“I’m fine I just zoned out for a second there, sorry.”  
“It’s fine maybe I shouldn’t have made you-” Chris only heard half the sentence, her eyes were dragged to the windows, the stars had started streaking by even faster.“Speeds increasing” Chris commented, “I wonder whats going on?”.   
Somewhere a communicator chirped, a few seconds later Will, Worf and Deanna got up from their table and made for the exit. Will caught Chris’ gaze as he strode past and held it until the doors shut behind him. Chris shivered as she saw the dread in his face. “Something’s really wrong” she told Hallima, a moment later the wail of the red alert klaxon cut through everything else.  
“We have to get to our stations, I will see you later.” A promise rather than a statement.  
“You will, everything will be fine.”Chris reassured her friend, after all she wasn’t the only one with scars. Hallima nodded and they both scrambled up joined the crowd heading for the exit.


	4. sometimes bad things happen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yeah i know this chapter is a little weak..but stick with it. it gets better..lol

Will stepped on to the bridge mind already racing with adrenaline in anticipation of what ever was coming. Pre-occupied as he was, he still couldn’t stop thinking about the look on Chris’ face when she had seen him with Deanna, he wasn’t sure if it had been anger or jealousy that flashed in her eyes, he would have to talk to her, ‘later’ he told himself firmly and wondered why he cared, after all she had shot him down in flames. Right now he had bigger problems to deal with.  
One look at Picard’s face confirmed that what ever this was it was bad. His Commanding officer rarely showed emotion, Will had learned to read the subtle signs over the years and Picard’s clenched jaw told him the Captain was very worried. Picard didn’t even speak just nodded for them to follow him to the conference lounge.  
“We have a very serious situation” Picard announced without preamble, he didn’t even pause as Geordi and Beverly hurried in and took their seats. “Angel One has been attacked, by persons unknown”.  
“There’s a name I haven’t heard in a long time” Will frowned to himself. “They are a federation ally now aren’t they?”  
“Yes as of last year, when the federation signed a trading agreement with them.” Picard finally sat down, pulling his uniform straight as he did so.  
“As I remember they wer not to keen on the federation, I suppose trade conquers all.”  
“Indeed number one, but since they are now considered federation allies, under the terms of the trade deal we are obliged to render assistance.”  
“Do we know what has happened?” Worf growled.  
“Save that they are under attack, no Mr Worf.”  
“It could be the Romulans, the Angelous system is very close to the neutral zone.” Worf frowned, Picard nodded in agreement.  
“Starfleet concurs with you, the romulans have an historic claim to that system. They were not pleased with the Angellians when they chose to favour us.”  
“Would they be willing to risk war with the federation over a trade deal?” Will asked, it was partly a rhetorical question. There seemed no end to the things the Romulans might risk for even a miniscule advantage.  
“Well that is what we need to discover, we may be flying straight into a fight.” Picard tapped his fingers on the shiny conference table. “How long will it take to get to the Angelous system Mr Data?”  
“at warp 8 three hours, sir”  
“Then we have some time to prepare.” Picard swept them all with his eyes, “Mr Worf run a level 3 diagnostic of all defensive systems, Data monitor the Angellous systems long distance communication frequencies.”  
“Aye sir”  
“The Hood and the Boseman have been ordered to join us, but they are two days away. We are on our own for now.”  
Will was on the bridge sitting in the captains chair watching the warp deformed stars coruscate on the view screen and urging the ship to go faster. He had never been good at sitting still, he could feel the tension building in his spine, his jaw ached from clenching. He shifted, checked the read outs on the chairs arm once more, still nothing. He jumped up and stood next to the con. Data looked up at him. “Anything?”  
“No sir, still no communication from Angellous.”  
“How long ago was their last message?”  
“an hour sir, I should point out that it was an automated distress signal.”  
“I know Data, how long before we enter their system?”  
“We are approaching the outer most gas giant now, we will arrive at Angel one in approximately four minutes.”  
Will nodded and tapped his communicator, “Captain Picard to the bridge,” He paused four minutes still seemed like an eternity. “Data scan for local communications traffic.”  
“I have been monitoring all channels sir, there is none”  
“Your sure?”  
“Yes sir no communications of any kind and long range sensors are not detecting any ships in the vicinity.”  
“Well that’s not good”.  
“Status number one?” Picard emerged from his ready room pulling his uniform jacket straight.  
“No communication from Angel one, sensors show no ships near the planet.”  
“If it was the Romulans they could be cloaked, shields up, ready phasers”  
“Aye sir, sir we are in visual range of the planet” Worf growled from the security station, Will sympathised with the impatience in Worf’s voice, the waiting was getting to all of them.  
“On screen” Picard snapped  
They were too late, there was nothing left. Sickened Will stared at the viewscreen. The lush green and blue globe he remembered was now grey and striped with cloud so thick that the continents were invisible. “Merde, Dieu les aide” Will heard Picard mutter.  
“Stand down red alert” Will sighed, the Romulans, if they were responsible, were long gone.  
“Mr Data scan for life signs, Number one start organising a rescue effort. The least we can do is help the survivors.” Picard had gone pale, Will couldn’t tell if it was from anger or sadness.  
“Aye sir” he agreed softly

“How can anything still be alive down there?” Chris asked Hallima as they sat together in ten forward gazing out at the blackened wreaked planet.  
“I don’t know, but apparently there are a few thousand people.” Hallima paused and shook her head. “I spent the day setting up emergency triage centres in the shuttlebays. This is not going to be pretty.”  
“I know, I volunteered for away team duty, “ Chris saw the look Hallima gave her and shrugged. “Search and rescue, I am a field medic remember.”  
“Chris are you sure that is a good idea?”  
“Why not? I can help.”  
“Yes but this is a war zone, there are going to be things down there you don’t want to see.”  
“I’ve been in a war zone before.”  
“That’s exactly my point, it took you months to recover. Are you sure you can handle this?”  
“I’ll be okay, I promise.”  
“Fine I just don’t want you ending up back on my counselling couch.” Hallima stood up and stretched.  
“Where are you going?”  
“Early night, I have a lot to do tomorrow.” She looked up and smiled at someone over Chris’ head. “Besides I think someone wants to talk to you.” Chris glanced over her shoulder. It was Will, he stood arms folded looking right at her. Suddenly Chris was too hot, scalding blood rushed to her cheeks. “See you later” Hallima withdrew laughing, Chris grabbed her hand. Hallima wagged a warning finger at her. “You have to sort this out Chrissy.”  
“Can I join you?”  
“What will you do if I say no?”  
“I’ll go and sit over there” He pointed to an empty table on the other side of the room.  
“Are you trying to make me feel sorry for you?”  
“do you?”  
“No. where is your girlfriend?” Chris looked around theatrically. “I’m sure she would be more then happy to keep you company.”  
“Deanna is not my girlfriend, but I think you already know that.” he gave her a defiant look and subsided into the seat Hallima had vacated.  
“Tough day?” Chris snorted, she couldn’t help it. He looked done in, exhaustion written in the tension of those broad shoulders, shadows under the oh so damnably blue eyes. The unexpected vulnerability he presented made her heart ache and that made her angry.  
“What do you think?” he gestured out the window and Chris saw cold fury in his eyes.  
“Sorry, that was tasteless of me.” It wasn’t much of an apology and she knew it. “Why are you here Will?” she asked, not expecting a coherent answer. He looked up at her and shook his head.  
“Honestly, I don’t know. I wanted to talk to you about earlier” he laughed sardonically, “But now, I just want a fucking drink.” his eyes dipped closed once or twice and he fell asleep. Chris let her compassion get the better of her, she leaned across the table and lightly shook his shoulder. He jerked awake and looked at her in confusion.  
“you need your beauty sleep Commander.”  
“Concern for my welfare? I'm privileged indeed.” it was a half hearted attempt at sarcasm, there was no real sting in his words now. Chris realised she was still gripping his shoulder, for a moment she had lost herself in the way his eyes were shaded from light to dark, ‘i don’t want this’ she reminded herself sharply, even so her fingers twitched wanting to brush away an errant curl from his forehead.  
“Go to bed Will.”  
“As much as it pains me to say it, you are right.” He stood up a little unsteadily.“Are you coming?”  
“You know I’m not”  
“Worth a try” he shrugged and flashed a tired grin at her.


	5. can't do right for doing wrong

Up close the planet was way worse, Chris shivered and watched as her breath turned into ice. Every thing was ashen. The trees blackened and twisted. Her group had beamed down onto the brow of a hill, Chris could make out the towers of a city in the near distance.  
“Now listen up!” Rikers voice boomed out suddenly. Chris turned slowly eyes narrowed, she had thought Worf was in charge of this section. But there he was Will Riker, dressed as they all were in thickly padded survival gear, stood on a crate of medical supplies. “as discussed in the briefings, one medic, one security officer one search grid each. Triage then tag survivors with isolinear tags and get them beamed up. Stay in contact, take no unnecessary risks. Now pair up and get going!” he jumped down from his perch and Chris barrelled across the scorched earth towards him.  
“Is this your idea of a joke?” Chris hissed at him. Will took a step back.  
“Problem lieutenant?”  
“Why am I in the same group as you?”  
“Because that is where I put you, now are you coming? because it looks like everyone else has paired off” He grinned at her “I’m afraid you are stuck with me”. Chris looked round people were indeed moving down the slope towards the blasted city. She bit back a sarcastic reply and trailed after Will as he wandered jauntily down the hill.  
The temperature dropped sharply as they reached the bottom of the wide river valley, the ashen vegetation was covered in thick frost that crunched underfoot. Chris pulled the zipper up on her parker and adjusted her gloves so no cold air could creep in, still she shivered. Will stopped to wait for her, his beard already turning white with ice.  
“You good lieutenant?” The teasing tone had vanished, he was all business now.  
“Aye sir, just took my suit a second to adjust.” the thermal sensors in her parker finally kicked in and Chris stopped shivering as warmth seeped into her chilled core.  
“Good, we are about a half kilometre from our search grid, lets get going.” Chris followed Will through the silent landscape, the voices of the other teams quickly vanished as they fanned out across the great plain.   
Dirty snow was starting to fall when they came to the outer suburbs, Chris paused and pulled open her tricorder, scanning the remains of the what had been an elegant neighbour hood just 24 hours before. Will was doing the same thing, he raised an eyebrow at her. “nothing, there’s nothing.” she told him shaking her head.  
“Yeah I know,” he muttered and stabbed at the buttons on his tricorder savagely. Chris closed the gap between them and took the device from his hands.  
“Hey-”  
“It might be the radiation, I’ll see if I can re-calibrate the bandwidth.”  
“What do you think I was trying to do?” he turned away from her, “Romulan Bastards” Chris heard him swear under his breath. “See if you can fix the Tricorders, I’d better check in with the others.” he walked away and sat down on a piece of rubble. Chris found herself a corner out of the wind and pulled out her tool case. She sat down to work, but the whole time her eyes strayed to where Will sat. She watched him check in, a short terse call he ended abruptly and then he turned his back on her to stare at the far away broken towers of the city centre that wavered, ghost like, in the falling snow. Satisfied she had done her best with the equipment on hand, she snapped the backs of the tricorders closed and approached Will warily.   
“There is not much left of it is there” Chris let her gloved hand settle on Riker’s shoulder, she half expected him to shrug her off, but he didn’t move. Chris could feel the tension in his shoulder muscles even through the thick padding of his parker.   
“No, there is not” Will whispered, his voice heavy with sadness. He reached up and covered her hand. “I came here once. It was years ago, when I first got posted to the Enterprise.”  
“Must be difficult seeing it like this.” Chris said softly. “Did you have friends here?”  
“One or two.” Will stood up, Chris handed his tricorder back.   
“These should work now, I adjusted the bandwidth to filter out the radiation. It will restrict the range though.”  
“By how much?”  
“Should be good for a couple of hundred metres.”  
“Well done, we should get moving, this snow is getting heavier.”  
“Okay, how do you want to do this?”  
“We should each take one side of the road, we can cover more buildings that way.” Will gestured for her to take the right side of the broad thoroughfare, “Stay on the road, if you find anyone stay put and call me first.”  
“Aye sir.” Chris muttered, the silent city was starting to get to her, fruitlessly she swept the tricorder along the road edge. There was nothing, not even wildlife, she found herself wishing that Will was right beside her, the few metres between them seemed to have stretched into miles. ‘you’re fine,’ Chris told herself firmly. The snow was deeper here, piled in drifts and odd lumps, walking was getting more difficult. Will was pulling further ahead, Chris picked up her pace to catch up.  
Her foot caught on something solid in the snow, she fell and found herself trapped in the glassy stare of a corpse. The air fled from her lungs in a great terrified gasp, she couldn’t make herself move. She turned her head to at least escape the accusing white eyed glare. There was another one beside her, lying on it’s back blackened limbs turned to claws, eternally screaming at the sky. The memory was coming back, the one she constantly had to push down. Fear owned her, it slipped through every part of her, finally Chris screamed.  
Gentle hands dragged her out of the pit, pulled her close. “It’s okay” Will’s voice, his breath warm on her frozen cheek. “You’re okay” he repeated softly, Chris felt his lips brush her forehead, she buried her face in his chest.  
“I’m sorry.”  
“you are okay, everything is okay.” he hugged her tightly for a moment longer and then reluctantly let go.   
“You should send me back, I’m, uh not sure I can do this.” As soon as Will released her, she wanted to run. Will shook his head and laid a gloved hand on her cheek.  
“Chris you can do this, I’m reading life signs ahead and those people need your help.”  
“Will, I can’t, please.”  
“By the time another team gets here it may be too late, I’ll be right here the whole time.”  
“You don’t understand, I want to help, but this.” Chris gestured to the snow covered corpses. “ I can barely see straight, I can’t think properly. It reminds me of-”   
“of what?”  
“I was at wolf 359.” Even saying the name brought on a wave of nausea.  
“I know, I read your service record. But this isn’t then and I need you to help me, please.” he hugged her again, “I promise, I won’t leave you.”  
“Okay.” she agreed regretting it even as she spoke.  
The rest of the day passed in a blur of broken bodies, shell shocked people, blood and horror. Chris focussed on the job in front of her, a busy mind kept the creeping fear at bay, but she knew she would pay for it later. Even though her brain and hands were fully occupied, sometimes the fear resting at the base of her spine would try and overwhelm her. Will was there everytime she felt the urge to run. He was never far away, talking quietly with the injured, tagging people for transport. What ever he was doing Chris would find him a few steps away, every time he would catch her gaze and smile; it was like having her heart torn out of her chest. ‘I don’t need you’ she lied herself. She kept telling herself that until they were stood in transporter room three, back on board the Enterprise. Apart from the transporter technician, the room was devoid of other crew. Chris looked at Will, he took her now, ungloved hand and squeezed it.  
“I was going to go to ten forward, do you want to come?”  
“I’m going to sleep and I need to think.”  
“Will you be alright?”  
“yeah, I just need a few hours before we go back down there.” Chris squeezed his fingers, “I’ll see you later..”  
“Definitely.” That earned her another one of those wide happy smiles. 

The soft pounding of the warp core was oddly comforting, Chris closed her eyes and concentrated on the ships heart beat. Her legs dangled from the cat walk, the deck below was almost empty. From her perch she could see Geordi bent over his station wrestling with some knotty problem. Occasionally he would stop and talk to Reg Barclay in hushed tones, she couldn’t make out the words from this far away, but she gathered from Reg’s wildly waving hands he and the chief engineer were not in accord. A footstep made the catwalk ring, Chris didn’t look up she had been half expecting a visitor.  
“Thought I’d find you here, thought you were going to sleep.” Will sat down beside her and let his long legs swing into the void.  
“I couldn’t drift off. If I asked you to leave me alone, would you?”  
“If that is what you want.” he sounded tired. Chris turned to look at him, there were dark circles under his eyes. “Is that what you want?”   
“I don’t know, today was not a good day.”   
“No it wasn’t” he wasn’t looking at her, shoulders hunched he stared off into the distance.  
“I’ve seen violence before-but today, that was-.”  
“Slaughter, it was a slaughter.” Will muttered.  
“Are you all right?”  
“I’m always all right, I have to be.” he grinned broadly, but it was brittle and tinged with sadness.  
“Well that’s bullshit.” Chris answered softly, prompting a sarcastic chuckle from Will.  
“Maybe, but that’s what I have to keep telling myself.” he sat up straighter, and rolled his neck. Chris could almost see him papering over the cracks, shoving the trauma away, preparing to be the Commander again. Impulsively she took his hand before he could totally don the mask.  
“You don’t always have to play the hero.” Will didn’t answer her right away, he turned her hand over and lightly traced the lines on her palm.   
“I’m not a hero, but I have to protect you.”  
“I don’t need-”  
“Not just you, the crew,” Will interrupted sharply. “You are all my responsibility,” Will’s face went stony, in his eyes Chris saw a flash of regret.  
“What’s wrong?”  
“I have to tell you something and I really don’t want to.” he sighed, lifted her hand to his lips and kissed the knuckles. The caress of his lips thrilled her skin, it seemed perfectly natural to lean forward and press her lips against his. ‘this is a really bad idea’ the sensible rational part of her brain screamed, Chris decided to ignore it.   
“You can tell me in the morning.”she told him when they paused for air.   
“I could, but I’m not an asshole.” he licked his lips, then he stood up. Chris watched him nervously pace the catwalk, suspicion growing.  
“I’m revoking your away mission certification.”  
“What! Why?” it was like having ice dropped on her spine, she jumped to her feet.  
“I spoke to Troi and she agrees with me, you can reapply after counselling.”  
“You spoke to Troi about me?, I trusted you.”   
“Chris, I have to do what’s best for the crew, you won’t be going back down to the surface.”  
“But-”   
“My decision is final, it’s too dangerous and you are clearly not over what ever it was that happened at 359.”  
“You are an asshole Commander Riker” Chris snarled at him. Her words echoed around engineering causing Geordi and Reg to pause their discussion. Chris was suddenly aware of their scrutiny.  
“Everything okay up there” Geordi called.  
“Everything is fine” Riker snapped back. “I’m sorry, I don’t have a choice.” Will held out his hands helplessly.  
“Just go, please just go.” Chris thumped her fist on the guard rail, Will gave her a reluctant nod and disappeared down the stairs. Chris waited until the last ringing footstep had died away before hurrying down herself. Geordi and Reg were still talking, she ignored the inquiring glances they threw in her direction and made for the safety of her quarters.


	6. can't save everyone, lessons my lover taught me

“How did she take it.” Deanna asked Will as they ate breakfast together in Ten forward.  
“ If you mean Lieutenant Garrick.” Will took a savage bite out of his toast. “She did not take it well, I think she’s done with me.” Will put down his toast and rubbed the bridge of his nose, his appetite was gone.  
“I am sorry Will, I know you care for her.” Will didn’t bother to ask how she knew, she always knew.  
“I hurt her, I really hurt her.”  
“I don’t see what else you could have done.”  
“I could have handled things better, I made a mess of it.” Will shrugged and sipped his coffee, which just to make his morning slightly worse was already stone cold. “I should have talked to her first, I’m an idiot.”   
“Yes you are.” Smiling, Deanna patted his hand lightly.  
“Thanks for the vote of confidence.” Will snorted and shook his head. Deanna put her own fork down with a sigh and leaned forward, her expression serious.  
“Will, while you made an error in judgement, the end result would have still have been the same.”  
“I know it’s just-” he stopped as heat flooded his cheeks, his throat went dry with embarrassment.  
“Just what Will?” Deanna retrieved her fork and abruptly stole the bacon off his plate.  
“I haven’t felt like this since Soren and I keep messing it up.” once it would have been difficult to talk like this with Deanna, now, he couldn’t imagine talking to anyone else.“I think I might be falling for her.” he admitted, keeping his voice low. Deanna chewed the last of his bacon thoughtfully and folded her arms. Will recognised it as her ‘no nonsense’ pose.  
“You need to stop trying so hard.”  
“Is that your professional opinion?”  
“No it’s my opinion as a friend” lightening quick she dragged his egg off his plate. “When you are emotionally invested, you always try too hard.”  
“Thats not true-”  
“You did it with me, you did it with Soren” Troi raised an eyebrow at him and sprinkled some more pepper on her egg. “As soon as you realise you have feelings for someone, you turn into a bumbling idiot.”  
“That’s a little harsh.” Will stole his fried egg back, Deanna pretended to be shocked.  
“Just try and slow down, you can be a little intense and that can be intimidating.”   
“Did you find me intimidating? ”  
“no if you remember, I thought you were cocky and arrogant.”  
“You were right I was, you showed me the error of my ways.”  
“So what is it about lieutenant Garrick? Why her?”  
“I honestly don’t know.” Will shook his head, the mere mention of her name made him smile. “The first time I met her she swore at me.”  
“Really, what did she say?” Deanna wriggled in her chair and signalled a waiter for more coffee, Will thought about telling her exactly what chris had said.  
“It’s not important, thing was I don’t think she knew who I was, not at first anyway.” the waiter brought more coffee, Will sipped it carefully. “then when she did realise, she didn’t really seem to care. I think she had already decided I was an asshole.”  
“And let me guess” Deanna rested her chin on her palm and sighed, “You have been trying to prove her wrong ever since.”  
“With predictable results.”  
“And you just had to revoke her away mission clearance.”  
“Yes.” Will knew he sounded pathetic, but if he couldn’t commiserate with Deanna, who else could he moan to. Deanna reached over and squeezed his hand.  
“I’m sorry Will.”  
“thats it? No words of wisdom?”  
“Not this time, I’m sorry Will. But it’s up to lieutenant Garrick whether she can get past your actions.”  
“I didn’t have any choice Deanna. Safety of the ship comes first. Chris is a starfleet officer she knows that.”  
“Intellectually? She probably does. But emotionally?, Will how would you feel if I did something similar without first talking to you?” Deanna was right, Will knew exactly how he’d feel-betrayed.  
“Maybe I should talk to her, explain-”  
“No.” Deanna’s voice was adamant, she was almost glaring at him. “You need to let her decide.” Will nodded dolefully.  
“I have to go, beaming down to the surface in an hour and I haven’t checked in with Worf yet.” He wiped his lips with a napkin and stood up. “I’ll see you later”.  
“Give Chris some space Will.”

Will tried to follow Deanna’s advice, he really tried. But it seemed the universe had a grudge against him as he literally bumped into Chris in the corridor outside of shuttlebay three, unfortunately she was carrying a box full of medical tricorders that hit the floor with a bang and scattered all over the deck. “Watch it!”  
“I’m sorry-” Will mumbled, Chris glared at him.  
“Of course it would be you.” She got down on her knees and started gathering the spilled equipment up. Will knelt down to help her, she pointedly ignored him.  
“I was looking for Doctor Crusher.” he asked desperate for some way to break the awkward silence.   
“I haven’t seen her, try using the comm like a normal person.” Was the curt reply.  
“you know I am still your superior officer,” Will replied indignantly, the spurt of anger disappeared as soon as he spoke. Chris snorted.  
“For now, but you should know I’m putting in for a transfer.” Chris snatched the last of the tricorders from Will’s outstretched hand and stood up. “Though with no away mission clearance I’ll be lucky to get a posting on a garbage scow.”   
“You don’t have to leave, I’m sorry. You have to understand I had no choice.”  
“Oh I do Will, I understand perfectly.” Chris dropped her voice to a whisper as two medical personnel wandered past. “Do you have any idea how long it took me to get my clearance back? Do you?. Months of therapy, then monthly reviews and you took all that work away in a second. You didn’t even talk to me first.”  
“Chris, I have a duty-”  
“I know” she snapped, “some how that makes it worse.” She walked away and disappeared through the doors of the shuttlebay without glancing backwards. Despite everything Deanna had said Will followed her. He desperately wanted to explain, or at least try to.   
The shuttlebay had been turned into a temporary sickbay for the injured inhabitants of Angel one. Will hadn’t really had time to come down here in between his trips planetside to help the relief efforts. He was brought up short by the sight of crowds of people, some standing, some lying prone on makeshift pallets, while medical personnel and civilians scurried between them. He sought out Chris, she was talking to Doctor Crusher.  
“Hi Will, ”Beverley smiled brightly at him as he approached. Chris said nothing, she just glared at him furiously and spun on her heel. Will watched her head towards the transporter pad as a new group of patients materialised. He dragged his attention back to Beverly, who was giving him a suspiciously amused look.  
“Morning Beverly.”  
“I wasn’t expecting to see you this morning.”  
“just checking in, I wanted to check you had everything you needed.” Will lied lamely.  
“Well we are coping for now, though the Hood better show up on time because I am running out of space.”  
“Captain Desoto assured me they will be here tomorrow.” Will let his eyes stray to where Chris was tending to a patient.  
“They had better or I‘m going to have to requisition crew quarters next.” Beverly frowned at him, “Are you all right Commander? You seem distracted.”  
“I’m fine, I was just wondering what Lieutenant Garrick was doing here.”  
“I asked Geordi to lend her to me, she’s a very good nurse.” Beverly was smiling slightly, she raised a knowing eyebrow at Will.   
‘she knows’ the realisation sent hot blood hurtling to his cheeks, he coughed and scrambled to say anything that would get him out of there. “Right, I should get going.” Will cast one last look in Chris’ direction, she didn’t even glance up.  
“Could you give this to Lieutenant Garrick for me?” Beverly held out a padd, she was openly grinning now. Will took it, aware that he was blushing like a first year cadet at an Orion night club.  
“Sure, why not.” He turned took a deep breath and headed over to the other side of the shuttle bay. His purposeful step slowed when he noticed the abrupt frenzy of activity surrounding Chris’ patient.  
“Beverly!” Chris shouted, her voice high, panicked. The Doctor nearly bowled Will over as she pushed past him.  
“What happened?” Beverly demanded as she helped hold the woman down as paroxysms convulsed her body.  
“Severe theta radiation poisoning, I just started her on Arithrazine..” Chris’ eyes were very wide as she handed Beverly a tricorder. The woman was screaming now a horrible noise that went straight through Will’s skull. He rushed forward to help them restrain her.  
“Hold her shoulders” Beverley snapped at him, the screams abruptly stopped, her eyes rolled up in her head.  
“She’s in cardiac arrest, 10cc cordalin” Beverly held out her hand as Chris scrambled to get the hypospray. Will stepped away to let them work. He watched Chris, and was filled with admiration, yes she was clearly scared, but she did her job faultlessly. Even so this time it was to no avail, ten minutes later Beverly asked for time of death. Chris supplied it in a desolate tone. Will saw her shoulders sag as she pulled a blanket over the body. He wanted to go to her, he wanted to tell her that it was okay, but Deanna’s words echoed in his head stopping him dead. What if he just made things even worse?  
“Nobodies fault, she had been exposed too much radiation.” Beverly told Chris softly, she patted her shoulder and gave Will a meaningful glare. He took the hint.  
“Are you alright?” he asked when Beverly had moved on to the next patient.   
“You ask me that a lot.”  
“It’s an important question.” Will sighed. He closed the gap between them in two rapid paces and dared to take her hand.  
“I know you didn’t have a choice.” she said slowly and looked up at him.  
“I should have spoken to you first.” Her fingers lay lax and trusting in his grip. “I am sorry Chris.”  
“It’s okay, doesn’t matter” she let go of his hand.  
“Please, don’t leave because of me. I promise you I will leave you alone, I will stay out of your way. But don’t leave the ship because it’s first officer is an idiot.”  
“I’ll think about it.” she bit her lip and her eyes strayed to the deceased woman. “i couldn’t save her.”  
“But you saved others, it’s the hardest thing to recognise that sometimes there is nothing you can do.”  
“Even when it’s someone you love.”  
“Especially then, you are an excellent officer Chris. Don’t let my stupidity chase you away.”  
“I haven’t actually put in for a transfer yet.”she admitted with a wan smile.  
“I know, who do you think approves them all anyway.” Will let go of her hand, “I better go, i’m supposed to be leading a search and rescue team to the second city.”  
“Be careful down there.” it wasn’t forgiveness, not yet.  
“I’ll try.”


	7. if i asked you to fix me would you?

Chapter seven  
The doorbell woke Chris, it’s soft insistent chime broke into her restless dreams and dragged her back to unwilling consciousness. For a minute or too longer she lay there hoping Hallima would answer it, then she remembered her friend was staying with her girlfriend tonight. Pulling on her robe she wandered to the door and hit the button, ready to blast who ever had woken her into space dust.  
It was Will. He stood, visibly swaying, his arms braced either side of the door. “Hi”  
“Hi?” Chris answered, she took in his appearance, hair mussed, uniform torn and blackened. “What happened ?”  
“I had a slight accident, Can I come in?” Wordlessly Chris stood aside, Will half stumbled half fell into her arms, she sagged to her knees with the sudden weight of him.  
“Sorry could you take a look?” he pointed to his right arm, where Chris could see the darker stain of dried blood against the red of his uniform.  
“Will I think you need to go to sick bay, this looks serious.” Will shook his head and scrambled to his feet, Chris guided him to her bed and without ceremony dropped him.  
“It’s nothing could you just patch me up?”  
“Will-”  
“No Beverly is too busy, just take care of it please” Will looked up at her, eyes pleading. Chris blew an exasperated breath out over her teeth and gave in.  
“Fine but you have to go see her in the morning”  
“I promise.”  
“And you have to explain to her this was your idea.” Hallima had abandoned her medical kit on the coffee table in her haste to be on time for her date, Chris grabbed it and threw it on the bed beside Will. She unzipped his uniform shirt and as gently as possible pushed it over his shoulders.  
“Okay!” Will agreed, wincing as the fabric pulled away from the gash in his arm.  
“Shit!” Chris muttered as bright blood welled up in the jagged cut. Quickly she staunched it with a cotton pad and glared at Will. “This is a very large ‘nothing’.”   
“Is now the time to tell you that my ribs hurt too?”  
“Will, I really think you should go to sickbay.” she repeated as she held a portable regenerator over the torn skin and watched his flesh knit back together. “Lets have a look at your ribs, tricorder says they are broken.  
“How many?”  
“Three, are you going to tell me what the hell happened.”  
“There was an unexploded warhead.”  
“And?”  
“It kind of exploded.” Will shrugged at Chris’ look of alarm, “Don’t look so worried! It was just the secondary detonator, I had already disconnected the actual bomb.” Chris bit her lip and stood up.  
“I’ll be right back, stay put, do not move.” she walked into the bathroom and grabbed a pair of scissors from the cabinet. She paused and looked at her own reflection, ‘what are you doing?’ she asked herself. Will could have died, the thought caused an intense panic to curl it self round her belly. ‘He could still die,’ an insidious little voice whispered. She slammed that voice back into the dark. ‘we are not even friends’ she reminded her reflection. Her reflection did not seem convinced either.  
She returned to the bedroom, for once Will had done as he was told and not moved. She touched his shoulder lightly, the face that he turned on her was very white and creased with pain. “My ribs really hurt” he shifted uncomfortably. Chris sat down and held up the scissors.  
“I’m going to have to cut that t-shirt off you alright?”  
“This was not what I had in mind when I imagined getting naked with you.” he winced as the scissors snipped the fabric away and the T-shirt joined his ruined uniform on the floor. Chris stared at the mass of bruises purpling one side of his body, they stretched from his hip bone all the way up his rib cage.  
“Will, how the hell have you been walking around like this?”   
“Its not that bad”  
“Really?” She ran her hand lightly down his side, he whimpered and tried to roll away. “what is it with you and the false bravado!”  
“Are you going to fix my ribs or not?”  
“Yes, I’ll fix your ribs. Lie still, this little regenerator is not supposed to be used for major injuries. You are going to have to put up with the bruising until you see Doctor Crusher.”  
“Fine, what ever.”  
“And I have no painkillers, so regenerating the bone is going to hurt.”  
“More than it does now?”  
“Probably for about four minutes, are you sure you don’t want to call sickbay.” Chris was feeling more and more concerned.  
“No, I told you it’s fine.”  
“Alright, here we go. Brace yourself.” Chris positioned the regenerator over Will’s side and switched it on. Immediately he stiffened and let out a low moan, after two minutes of watching him gasp, Chris couldn’t stand it anymore. “Tell me Will, how did you envision getting naked with me? Pretty sure it didn’t include unethical medical treatment in my quarters.”  
“You really want to know” Will spat out through gritted teeth, his eyes were screwed shut  
“maybe it will take your mind off the pain.” With her free hand, Chris lightly stroked along his collar bone and then traced his jaw. Briefly her fingertips touched the pain stretched lips, which contracted into a smile and Will opened his eyes. “There you are.”  
“I was going to take you to a beach, well one on the holodeck.” he said softly, Chris stared at him in shock. He was still in pain, she could tell by the way his voice trembled, but he was looking right at her and smiling like she was the only thing that mattered. She recognised that look, recognised the answering feeling rushing through her blood; it scared her, terrified her.  
“Why a beach?” she asked.  
“because you remind me of the sea.”  
“real smooth, Riker.” There was a soft beep from the regenerator, Chris switched it off and dropped it on the floor.”All done try and take it easy, Commander” Wincing from the bruises still colouring his skin, Will sat up . He caught Chris’ hand as she started to stand , her impulses screamed at her to run. But he looked at her that way again and she sank back down, ‘you’ll lose him and this time it will be worse’ the little voice whispered. “Okay, I’ll bite. why the sea Will?”  
“Because, you are unpredictable, volatile even,” Smiling he raised her hand to his lips, “yet you can be so gentle.” He kissed her knuckles then placed both his hands on her shoulders, “and you are so beautiful-” he chuckled, “especially when you are angry.” He paused for a moment, his gaze flicked inward and he sighed. “And frankly lieutenant the way I feel about you terrifies me.” He let go of her reluctantly, fingers sliding down her forearms as he sat back and drew up his knees. “Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything.”   
“You scare me too.” Chris admitted, she folded her arms tightly hugging herself so that maybe Will would not see her trembling hands.  
“I’m sorry-”  
“Don’t do that, don’t apologise, it’s not your fault. Its- I lost someone and ever since then whenever things have got serious, I’ve run away.” Chris closed her eyes, her chest hurt from pushing down the sob that wanted to crawl up her throat. She felt Will take her hand, his thumb circled her wrist and caressed the skin there softly. “I know myself well enough, to admit that.”  
“It’s okay.”  
“I didn’t want to run away from you, I still tried. What does that say about me?”  
“Chris, if you want me to go, I’ll go and I’ll leave you alone.” He meant it, Chris could tell. “but if you want me to stay. You should know that I’m falling in love with you and that scares me.”Chris hesitated, she saw hope flare in his eyes.  
“Will are you sure you don’t have a concussion?”  
“Maybe, my head does hurt. I am serious though.” his fingers danced along her jaw line for a moment, before exhaustion and pain made him collapse back on to the bed.  
“You should sleep” she told him and pulled back the sheet. Will nodded, the strained smile he flashed her spoke eloquently of his pained acceptance of her decision. He turned over on his side and let her tuck the cover round him. Chris smiled to herself , kicked off her boots and shrugged off her uniform, then crawled under the covers beside him. Tenderly because of his bruises, she embraced his warmth. Fitting herself snugly against his back, she kissed the nape of his neck. “The beach would probably have worked.”  
“It would have been less painful” Will muttered as he drifted off. ‘this is a bad idea’ her mind whispered, Chris buried her head against Will’s shoulder and tried to shut out the mocking, insidious voice of her own past.


	8. Close enough to touch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> angsty pain, blood and injury.

The dull ache of his bruises dragged Will from sleep, disorientated by the unfamiliar room he sat up too quickly and was rewarded with more pain as his abused muscles protested. He shut his teeth on the cry that wanted to crawl up his throat, ‘you idiot’ he cursed himself. Beverley was going to be seriously pissed at him when he rolled into sickbay later and yet ‘worth it’, he thought as he picked out Chris’ shadowed face on the pillow. Will realised he was smiling, he was grateful for the darkness of the room because he had a feeling that right now he was grinning like an idiot.  
“Hey, you awake.” Chris mumbled from the depths of her pillow. Will lay back down favoring his bruised side.   
“Only just. go back to sleep, it’s early.” he groped under the sheet and found her hand, her fingers closed round his tightly.   
“are you in pain?”  
“probably not as much as I deserve.”  
“you are a terrible liar.” she let go of his hand and gripped his bruised hip.  
“That hurts!” it did hurt, but Will felt a flutter of anticipation in his belly. He sensed Chris’ smile and sighed when she let go.  
“You are in no fit state. Maybe we should go to sick bay now.”  
“In a little while.” Will licked his suddenly dry lips, despite being in bed together and practically naked, he was inexplicably nervous. It wasn’t even as if this was their first kiss. Hesitatingly, feeling ridiculous he shifted closer, “erm?”.   
“Idiot” it was said fondly, “Come here Mr Hero” Will felt her hands on either side of his face, she drew him close and pressed warm soft lips against his. Ignoring his screaming muscles he wrapped his arms round her, tested his tongue lightly against her teeth. Her mouth opened wide permitting him inside. It was a hungry, breathless, messy moment. Her fingers tangled in his hair, then skimmed down his neck to wander up and down his spine leaving fire in their wake. Chris wrapped her legs round his waist and then flipped him on to his back. Will, for his part screamed through clenched teeth as his back was convulsed with a much less pleasant blaze. Chris froze hands resting on his chest.  
“Lights” she snapped  
“I’m fine” he croaked squinting up at her in the sudden brightness. She raised an eyebrow at him.  
“Uh huh?” The pain increased as she purposefully shifted her weight on to her hands braced on his chest. Will squirmed his breath escaped in a long moan.  
“Thought so, sickbay now.” Chris rolled off him carefully and pulled on her uniform pants.   
“Maybe you’re right.”   
“Of course I’m right, now are you coming?” she held out a hand, Will thought about brushing aside her help, but common sense dictated otherwise. Sitting up was a mistake, his head began to spin.  
“You may have to give me a hand, I feel a little weird.”  
“Weird how?”  
“Little light headed, is it cold in here?” he shivered, Chris dragged the sheet off the bed and wrapped it round his shoulders. She stared into his eyes for a minute, momentary panic clouded her features.  
“Hey, Mr Hero, think you can walk?”her voice was unnaturally calm. Will nodded carefully, feeling as if his head were only nominally attached to his shoulders. He stood up and took a few wobbly steps. Chris braced herself against him, arm curled tightly round his waist. She was gazing up at him anxiously as they hobbled out of her bedroom, Neither of them saw Hallima standing in the lounge.  
“Well, well this is unexpected” The woman gave Will a clearly dirty grin, despite his spinning head blood rushed to his cheeks in a tumult of embarrassment.  
“Will this is Hallima, my room mate. Who is not supposed to be here.”  
“Sorry, got an early shift in sick bay came back for my stuff” Hallima shrugged, her grin didn’t budge. Will felt like the butt of some unspoken joke. He shifted to keep his balance and the sheet over his shoulders slipped revealing his bruises. Hallima’s expression changed to one of immediate concern.  
“You know when I said if you two got together you would kill each other, it wasn’t a suggestion.”  
“Will got hurt on an away mission yesterday, he asked me to patch him up.” Chris admitted, Hallima’s eyes narrowed.  
“What, why didn’t he go to sick bay” She turned to Will and growled “Why didn’t you go to sick bay”  
“I-” Will scrambled for an excuse, but his swiss cheesed brain refused to co-operate.  
“Wait” Hallima tilted her head, Will saw a glint of anger in her eyes. “Was this some kind of crack-pot scheme to get my girl here into bed!”  
“No, maybe” Will could barely hear her over the rushing in his ears, his skin was cold and yet he was sweating.  
“Yes it was and I knew it was!” Chris shouted, Will looked at her, she shrugged. “not as smooth as you think you are Will.”  
“I didn’t-” he whispered, Chris shook her head and smiled.  
“Later, we will talk about it later.”  
“You two are idiots, now where is my Med-kit thought I left it here”  
“It’s in my bedroom.”  
“You used my medical kit, you know you are not authorised to do that!”  
“It was my fault” Will lurched forward, instinctively protective. “I made her, I didn’t want to bother Beverly” Will stumbled, his legs didn’t want to co-operate. “Chris, something’s wrong” the words slurred off his suddenly clumsy tongue. Vision blurring he made a grab for the couch lost his balance and landed with a jolt of agony against the coffee table, then nothingness.


	9. Thou and I are too wise to woo peaceably.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fools, idiots in love, hurt/comfort/coma..supportive best friend.

Chris could never remember the next few seconds except as a series of images etched into her brain, Will lying prone on the floor, blood seeping sluggishly from where he caught his head on the table, Hallima shouting at her to help and finally Will’s wrist in her hand as she sought for a pulse that refused to be found. Then Beverly was shoving her to one side demanding an explanation which Chris couldn’t coherently provide. Instead, She stood back and watched them drag Will back from the brink. She said nothing, there was nothing to say except; ‘this is my fault’.  
“He’s stable, let’s get him to sickbay” Beverly’s voice cut through the fog of self recrimination clouding Chris’ brain.  
“Is he going to be okay?”she took a step forward, but stopped abruptly when Doctor Crusher fixed her with a furious glare.  
“You had better come, I need to know exactly what you did.”   
“I’m sorry, Beverly-”   
“Not now, Lieutenant.” Beverly turned back to help Hallima gently manhandle Will on to a stretcher. “He is bleeding internally, We need to get him into surgery.” She tapped her communicator. “medical emergency, four to beam directly to sickbay.”  
A seconds sense of dislocation as the transporter beam encompassed them. The instant they rematerialised in sickbay, Chris strode across the floor to catch Will’s limp hand. She wanted to scream and bawl, her body trembled with the effort of holding back the wave of guilt. ‘don’t die, please’ a silent childish plea to an uncaring universe. Firmly, Beverly pried Chris’ fingers from Wills and held her immobile while Hallima whisked Will away. “Lieutenant I need you to tell me what happened.” Chris barely heard her, her voice was drowned out by the loud clamouring of her own thoughts. Beverly grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her gently, “Pay attention Lieutenant!, what did you do?”   
“He asked me for help, I should’ve made him-”  
“I am not interested in your regrets. I need to know what happened!”  
“I just fixed his ribs, he seemed fine, I swear I didn’t-” panic constricted her chest, Beverly shook her head, her expression softened. “Okay Chris, thank you. You should know he has cardiac tamponade and an intra-cerebral haemorrhage. Do you know what that means?”  
“Bleeding around his heart and brain.”   
“Yes” Beverly let go and Chris sank onto a bio bed, clenching her hands together in an effort to calm down. “I have to go, I suggest you stay put.” Chris nodded, she had no intention of going any where. Beverly hesitated for a moment, “Try not to worry.”  
‘Try not to worry? How the hell am I supposed to do that?’ Numbly, Chris watched the doctor pull on her scarlet surgery robes and disappear into the operating theatre. Sickbay was very quiet, only nurse Ogawa remained checking the vitals of a comatose patient. Chris stood up and paced round the room arms hugged tightly to her chest. The third time Chris passed her, Ogawa checked her progress with a look.  
“Can I get you something Lieutenant?”  
“No, I’m fine I just can’t sit still while he’s in there” She nodded towards the operating theatre. Chris flinched at the sympathetic smile Ogawa gave her.   
“I’m so sorry.”  
“I don’t deserve your sympathy, this is my fault. I should have dragged him here yesterday.”  
“It’s going to be alright.” Ogawa patted her hand, Chris bit her lip and stared at the Captain, who had just walked in with Counsellor Troi beside him.   
“Some how I doubt that.” she muttered and squared her shoulders. “Excuse me.” She took a step forward. The parts of her mind not currently worrying about Will, tried to come up with some kind of explanation. Some how she didn’t think, ‘Hi Captain Picard, I’m sorry I broke the first officer’, was going to cut it. As for Troi, one look at her anxious face was all Chris could stand, she directed her gaze at the floor.   
“Lieutenant Garrick I presume.” Picard’s voice was mild, but curt. Chris could hear the anger simmering just under the surface.   
“Yes sir,” Chris stood rigidly to attention.  
“Lieutenant, I expect my officers to do me the courtesy of looking me in the eye.”   
“Sorry sir.” Unwillingly she raised her gaze, it was as if her shields suddenly failed. She pursed her lips and took a breath to try to relieve the now unbearable pressure on her chest.  
“What happened to Commander Riker?” Picard demanded.  
“I-” she gulped another lung full of air, “I should have made him come to sickbay last night, I should’ve called Beverly.” Chris knew she was babbling the words coming out in a terrified torrent. Picard frowned at her and exchanged a confused glance with Counseller Troi. “I made the wrong call.” Chris told them, she couldn’t stop the tears now. They dripped down her face, her jaw ached from biting back the sobs building up in her chest. “I made the wrong call, again” she scrubbed the tears from her cheeks “and Will almost died.”   
“At ease, lieutenant” Picard said softly, Chris could see something like recognition in his eyes, she wandered dimly what that meant. “Maybe you should get some rest.”  
“Sir I would rather-”  
“That was an order, I will have Doctor Crusher call you the minute Will is out of surgery.” Picard stepped aside. “Rest lieutenant, I will come and see you later.” The tone of his voice brooked no argument, there was nothing Chris could do but nod.   
“Aye sir.” She walked past them stiffly, avoided the curious looks other crew members threw her tear stained face as she walked down the corridor. She managed to keep it together until the doors shut on a blessedly empty turbolift. “Engineering ” she muttered and then “Computer pause turbolift.” she slid down the wall and sat hugging her knees. She had five minutes before someone from engineering called to see why the lift was not moving. Five minutes of complete solitary silence. The first sob came out as a silent scream, the next shook her whole body. “Will, please no,” She whispered over and over; a prayer of sorts. Repeated until her thumping pulse began to slow and her pain metamorphosed into frozen and all too familiar resignation.  
Four minutes and thirty seconds later she stepped out of the lift into main engineering. She saw Commander Data at the main console and walked over.  
“Commander Data, I wandered if you could use my help with anything?” Data blinked at her.  
“Lieutenant your duty shift does not start until 0700.”  
“I am aware sir, I had a sleepless night.” Chris admitted. For a split second Chris thought Data was going to say something. She wondered if he knew and then realised how stupid that was Data was third in command. ‘Of course he knows’, she told herself angrily. ‘In a few hours the whole damned ship will know’.  
“very well, you may assist me with this analysis of the weapons discharges we recorded at Angel one.” Data gestured to the monitor. Chris nodded gratefully and peered at the data. “As you can see they appear to be romulan and yet-.”  
“There is another trace here”, she cut him off, relieved to have something to concentrate on. Her fingers danced over the console isolating part of the particle graph. These neutrino emissions are off.”  
“’Off’ lieutenant” Data tilted his head quizzically.  
“Sorry Commander, I meant doesn’t look right.”  
“indeed and you are right, there is something ‘off’ about it.”  
“Maybe if we roll back the decay rates we can see what is going on here.” Chris suggested.  
“That was my thought, will you assist me in modelling the decay rates.”  
“Yes sir.” Chris took the padd Data held out to her. “Commander, is there any word from sickbay?”   
“Commander Riker is still in surgery,” Data said softly, “shall we get to work?”  
“Yes of course sir,” 

Chris stared at the remains of angel one as it spun lazily outside Ten forwards window. She was quite alone. The few other people inhabiting the bar at this hour were clustered round the tables on the far side, where the depressing sight was obscured. An hour before, Geordi had taken one look at her pale, tired face and chased her out of engineering. “I told you to go to your quarters and rest lieutenant and yet here you are.” Picards voice dragged Chris unpleasantly back to the here and now, She blinked up at him in surprise. Hallima was stood with the captain, her expression unreadable.  
“Couldn’t sleep sir.” Picard Nodded and sat down he gestured for Hallima to join them.  
“Commander Riker is out of surgery” Hallima told her gravely.  
“is he going to be alright?” Chris looked from Picard back to Hallima searching their tense drawn faces, “Well is he?” Hallima reached across the table and caught Chris’ hand, she held it tightly making her look at her.  
“yes Chris, Will is going to be okay. He’s going to be in a coma for a few days.”  
“How long?”  
“We don’t know, he was very badly hurt.” Hallima squeezed her hand and let go, she looked over at the Captain as if to prompt him.  
“Liuetenant, do you think you can tell me what happened now?”   
“He turned up at my quarters and asked me to fix him up. I should have called Doctor Crusher.” Chris explained wearily.   
“Why did he come to you, rather than sickbay?” Picard asked, Chris felt her cheeks flush. She didn’t know what to say.  
“Sir, you will have to ask him.”   
“I will, why did you not report his injury?” Picard held her gaze, it was like being dissected. Chris began to realise why he was Captain. ‘This man survived the borg’ she reminded herself.  
“Because I’m an idiot who makes poor decisions which hurt the people I care about.” Chris bit her lip, the tears were back, she covered her eyes. She heard Picard sigh.  
“What ever the circumstances, you did en-danger the life of a senior officer. Even if the senior officer in this case was being a damned idiot himself.” Picard paused and leaned forward. “I will be making a note in your file. For now this matter is on hold until Will wakes up and tells me what the hell was going through his mind!” Chris flinched at the sharpness of his voice.  
“Come now Captain, you never done something stupid for a girl?” Guinen appeared silently at Picards shoulder, Chris stared at her in shock. The hostess just grinned when the captain glared at her.  
“Maybe when I was very young” Picard admitted to Chris’ eternal surprise. The Captain stood up pulling his uniform straight. “Doctor Niang, please make sure she gets some sleep. I’ll speak to you again soon Lieutenant Garrick.” Hallima watched Picard leave then turned back to Chris.  
“So home?”  
“Sickbay first.”  
“Chris, there is nothing you can do. I promise you he is out cold.”  
“I just need to see him, just for a minute.” Chris knew she was begging, she didn’t much care. Hallima threw her hands in the air in defeat.  
“Fine, sickbay. You know I really regret telling you to go for it with Will.”

“Talk to him” Beverly had said, with a warm smile before walking away to give her some space. His stillness scared her, he reminded her of the tomb effigies she had seen in the church near her grandmothers house.   
“The Captain is letting me off with a note on my record, to be honest he seemed angrier at you” Chris took Will’s lax hand and turned it palm up. Listlessly she traced the lines with a fingertip. “So it might be best if you stay asleep a while longer. Not too long though, you’re starting to scare me.” Quickly, aware that both Hallima and Doctor Crusher were stood only a few feet away. she touched her lips to the knuckles of the hand she held and dropped another butterfly light kiss on Will’s forehead. “I’d stay, but Hallima threatened to knock me out with a hypospray if I don’t get some sleep.” She ran her fingers along his bearded jaw. “I’ll be back tomorrow, don’t stay away too long.”


	10. how the hell did we end up like this?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> uhh some more angst,

“So did you at least get some sleep?” Hallima, asked handing Chris a cup of coffee when she emerged from her bedroom the next morning.  
“Some I think” Chris grunted, accepting the cup gratefully as she sat down at the table, “I had some weird dreams.”  
“Care to share? Here breakfast.” Hallima dropped a plate of toast in front of her.  
“Not really, they weren’t nightmares okay. Just odd.”  
“Uh huh” Hallima didn’t look convinced, Chris let out a sigh.  
“Look I promised you I would tell you if things got bad again and I will. I’m okay.”  
“Chris-”  
“Look Halli, all things considered I’m fine, I’m holding it together.” Chris took a bite of her toast and dropped it back on her plate. Her stomach wasn’t ready for breakfast.  
“If you say so.” Chris chose to ignore the sarcasm in her friends voice.   
“You working in sickbay today?”  
“Yeah, first thing, you want to come? See lover boy before you go to engineering.”  
“I can’t, I have a counselling session in 20 minutes. Got to get my away team certification back some how.”  
“With Troi?”  
“Yes, with Troi”  
“Well that’s going to be awkward.”  
“Why”  
“I don’t get the impression she likes you.”  
“Well that’s just great!” Chris gulped the dregs of her coffee, “I guess I’ll just have to cope. I really wanted to see Will this morning. Hallima if he-”  
“If he wakes up I’ll call you.” Hallima stood up, she looked thoughtful for a second. “Chris? Are you sure about this?”  
“About Will? Yes why do you ask. I mean you practically bullied me into it.” Chris fetched her uniform shirt from the couch and pulled it on.  
“I know I did baby girl, but so far you two seem” She paused fingers tapping the table “almost toxic.”  
“You are kidding, right?”  
“Oh come on Chris, so far you have lost your away mission clearance, been reprimanded by the Captain, broken my coffee table and not to mention Will nearly died. Doesn’t exactly make for an auspicious beginning.”  
“Halli, that’s not-”  
“Is he worth this?”   
“yes he is worth it.”  
“God damn it Chris, I didn’t expect you to fall this deep with the first person to come along.”  
“he is not the first person to come along, he is just the first who has bothered to stop for me.” Chris realised she was yelling, she took a breath and quietened her tone. “Those other people I liked, the ones I have driven you mad over in the past. None of them ever bothered running after me, Will did.”  
“Chris-”  
“Don’t Halli, because part of me still wants to run away because I know how much it will hurt if I lose him and I nearly lost him.” Chris shook her head.  
“Chris, it’s okay. I understand, I just wanted to be sure you did” Hallima smiled and raised an eyebrow.  
“Did you just counsel me?” Chris frowned at her.  
“Chrissy baby I’ve know you for ten years, it’s not like it’s the first time.” Hallima wandered back to the breakfast table and poured herself another coffee.  
“True, you were making me aware of my conflicting emotions, I see that now.”  
“So you don’t make a stupid decision.”  
“A non-stupid decision being?”  
“What ever you decide rationally, though word to the wise, half the crew thinks you tried to kill Will, dump him as well they are really going to hate you.” Hallima was openly grinning now, it broke the tension.  
“I suppose it could be worse, he could be in a coma..oh wait” Chris laughed. “I’m sorry I yelled at you. I better go, Deanna will be waiting”  
“Chris try and remember, she’s his friend.”  
“I will, I swear not to add counsellor Troi to the list of senior staff I have upset.”

Hallima had not been lying when she said the gossip mill on the Enterprise was grinding away. Everybody knew or thought they knew. Chris could tell by the stares that followed her as she made her way to Troi’s office. By the time she was stood outside the counsellors door the scrutiny was making her feel sick.   
She didn’t feel any better when she came face to face with the counsellor. Deanna was wearing a standard uniform today, medical blue. She was sat very still and composed though she smiled at Chris. “Lieutenant Garrick, welcome to our first session, have a seat.” Chris nodded and sat down, her mouth had suddenly gone very dry. Deanna picked up a padd and scanned her notes. “We need to talk about what happened when you were on the away mission to Angel one.”  
“Alright”  
“Can you tell me what happened?”Deanna’s voice was gentle, encouraging. Chris took a breath.  
“I had a panic attack, Will,” Chris saw Deanna flinch when she said his name. “I mean Commander Riker talked me down, that was it.” She hugged her arms close to her body, she didn’t want to talk about this and she was pretty sure that Deanna for all her professionalism didn’t want to talk about it either. There were too many unasked questions floating between them. Chris shifted in her chair, fixed her eyes on the now moving stars, they were on their way to starbase 4 to drop off the angel one refugees.  
“What do you think caused the panic attack, clearly it must have been something quite disturbing?” Deanna asked catching her gaze. Chris felt her anger rise, Deanna had the mission report, she knew what had happened didn’t she?  
“I think it was falling into a pit full of bodies,” She spat the words out dripping sarcasm.  
“And that makes you angry”  
“No, you asking me questions you know the answer to makes me angry.” Chris stood up, Deanna seemed unfazed by her outburst. “Will pulled me out,” Chris deliberately used His first name, she saw Deanna’s jaw clench as she did. “Will pulled me out, he talked me down and he kept me sane for the rest of the day. That’s what happened. It was a blip, I’m fine.”  
“Really, because you seem agitated.”  
“I have other things on my mind right now.”  
“What else is bothering you?”  
“I think you know, since the same thing is ‘bothering you’.” Chris sat back down and glared at Deanna, knowing full well the Counsellor could probably sense the low grade panic that was just bubbling beneath her every word.  
“I am worried about Will too” Deanna admitted, “Though this is not the time to talk about it.”  
“Come on Deanna, if there is something you would like to say, just say it.”   
“Very well, Will cares a great deal for you, I can feel it. Don’t hurt him.”  
“I can’t promise that.”  
“I know and that is what worries me Lieutenant.” Deanna’s communicator chirped, she slapped it.  
“Crusher to Troi, Deanna Will is awake.” The Doctors voice sent a wave of of relief through the room, Chris felt the tightness in her chest dissipate. Deanna looked at her.  
“Are you coming?”  
“Obviously”

When Chris walked in with Deanna, Hallima pulled her to one side “What happened?” she demanded in a furious whisper.   
“I think I upset her” Chris shrugged, she ignored the pained look Hallima gave her. “Is he okay?”. She pushed down a spurt of jealousy as she watched Deanna approach the bed first.  
“He’ll need to stay in for 24 hours observation, but yeah he is fine.” Hallima hugged her briefly, “Well done Chris you didn’t kill the first officer after all.”  
“I’ll try harder next time” She whispered, Deanna nodded to her as she left Will’s side.  
“I’ll leave you two alone for a minute.” Hallima headed for Beverly’s office.   
Will’s eyes were half closed he looked like he was dozing, he blinked when he saw her, “Hi there.” he muttered.  
“hey, I’m so glad to see you again.”  
“Really because I acted like a total idiot, I’m sorry. I put you in a horrible position.”   
“You are going to be okay that’s all that matters”  
“You know I didn’t come to you because I wanted-”  
“Shush, I know, I know Will” she leaned down and kissed him lightly.   
“No, you don’t,” Will’s voice was a choked whisper, his hand groped for hers. “You see through me, I don’t have to be brave with you, I got hurt and I wanted you.” he meant it, Chris could tell. Every line of his face begged her to understand, his fingers tightened round hers spasmodically.  
“That wasn’t a good idea, you nearly died Will.”  
“I know, I’m blaming the concussion.” he laughed darkly, lifted her hand kissed the knuckles. Chris’ breath stilled in her throat and a pit opened up in her stomach. She felt sick. “I love you.”  
“I nearly lost you.” the words barely made it out of her throat, she forced them out over the remembered grief that threatened to paralyse her voice.  
“But you didn’t, I’m here” wincing, he sat up and tugged her against his chest. Chris let him fold his arms around her, he felt solid, real. His pulse thumped against her cheek, reassuring. He was alive, he was safe. An illusion Chris knew, no one was safe. The fear was already gnawing away at her, a voice screaming what if he dies, what if he dies on the edges of her mind, getting louder every time she snuffed out the thought. Slowly, breaking her own heart, she slipped out of his arms.  
“What’s wrong?” Will frowned and reached out for her, she stepped out of his reach. “Chris?”  
“This was a bad idea”  
“What are you talking about?”  
“You and me, I’m sorry.”  
She didn’t trust herself to speak, she just shook her head and turned on her heel.


	11. I hate that I love you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what not to do when your lover stops talking to you because you are both dumbasses

Will woke up from the uneasy doze he had fallen into after Chris left, to find Doctor Crusher hovering over him. “Hi Doc” he sat up slowly, aware of a lingering weakness accompanied by a twinge of pain in the muscles of his side.  
“Hi yourself, how are you feeling?”  
“Fine, I’m fine” he lied with a grin. Beverly didn’t seem convinced.  
“You want to tell why you didn’t seek medical advice after getting blown up?” Her voice was deadly serious. Will couldn’t meet her eyes, he let out a small sigh. ‘I wish I knew the answer to that’, he thought.  
“Must have been the concussion. I wasn’t thinking straight.” Another lie, he shrugged donning the bravado that habitually served to hide the cracks in his armour.   
“Well the Captain will want to discuss it with you, so you better come up with a better lie.”  
“Beverly it’s not a lie.” Beverly gave him a sharp look, “not entirely.” he admitted chastened.  
“Uh huh, I need to keep you under observation for a bit longer.”  
“Do I really have to stay here for another day?” Will tried tried giving her his best puppy dog eyes.  
“Why you have somewhere you need to be?” Beverly huffed exasperated.  
“You know I am no good at sitting still.”  
“Let me see how you are healing and then I’ll decide.”  
“Fine” Will grumbled aware he was being fractious.  
“So you and Lieutenant Garrick?” Beverly asked casually as she checked him over with her tricorder.  
“There is no me and Lieutenant Garrick, she dumped me or didn’t you hear. Whole ship is probably talking about it.”  
“I’m sorry Will.”She squeezed his shoulder. “Well you are all clear, just take it easy for a few days, you may have some pain from the regenerated tissue. I’ll give you something for that.”  
“You got anything for a severely bruised ego?” Will joked darkly and swung his legs off the bio bed. Beverly handed him his uniform shirt with a sympathetic smile.  
“I’m sorry it didn’t work out. I liked her”  
“I really thought we had something, clearly I was wrong.”  
“Try to take it easy,” Beverly repeated. She took his wrist and fastened a small bracelet like device around it. “If you insist on leaving wear this bio-monitor, I can keep an eye on your vitals remotely.”  
“Thanks Beverly.” he slide gingerly off the bio bed and shrugged at her “See good as new.”  
“Just be careful and Will?” She laid a compassionate hand on his arm. “Sometimes things are just not meant to be.”  
“I know.”  
“Computer locate Lieutenant Garrick” Will growled at the computer as soon as he was safely in a turbolift heading away from sickbay.  
“Lieutenant Garrick is in her quarters”  
“Computer, deck seven.”   
He had half expected Chris not to open the door to him at all, but she did. “Will, why are you here?”  
“I would think that’s pretty obvious” he leaned against the door frame. “You walked out on me in sickbay with barely a word. I was worried about you. About us”  
“There is no us.” Chris snapped attracting the attention of a couple of passing crew members, she dropped her voice to a whisper. “We are barely even friends, now please leave me the hell alone.” His hurt and confusion must have shown on his face, because for a moment her expression softened.  
“It’s for the best.”  
“Chris, no it isn’t!”  
“Will we are not good for each other. Goodbye” She stepped back and the doors shut in Wills face. He stared at them for a second uncomprehending then turned and walked away. He felt oddly empty, like he had lost something without ever really having it.   
The next morning he headed down to Engineering. He was bone tired, sleep had deserted him and he had spent most of the night oscillating between self recrimination and irrational anger at Chris. He found Geordi and Data at the main console pouring over some datasets together. “Hi Commander, kind of surprised to see you, thought you would take a couple of days off.” Geordi greeted him a little too jovially, clearly word of his romantic failure had got around.  
“You know how it is Geordi, got bored sitting around. What are we looking at?”  
“weapons trace from Angel one.” Geordi explained.   
“I thought we had identified it as a romulan attack?”  
“Who ever is responsible tried to hide the signal, but deeper analysis shows that the weapons used on Angel one, were almost certainly not Romulan in origin” Data pulled up a graph and laid his results over the top.  
“So if it wasn’t the romulans who was it?” Will tried to focus on the information displayed, but found himself instead focussing on his own reflection. He looked tired, dark circles shadowed his eyes.  
“Unknown sir. Commander are you well?” Will looked up into Data’s concerned eyes.  
“I’m fine Data.”  
“You sure sir? cause you look kind of tired” Geordi frowned at him.  
“As I said, I’m fine!” Geordi took a step back holding up his hands. Will felt bad. “Sorry, thank you both for your concern. I just haven’t been sleeping.” The reason for his insomnia chose that moment to breeze past and hand Data a padd.   
“Data, I’ve adjusted the models to account for the interaction of the Gamma burst.”Chris didn’t even glance at him, he might as well have been invisible.   
“Thank you Chris, I will review your findings.” Chris smiled at Geordi and Data then walked away.  
“First name terms, Data?” Will growled.   
“Lieutenant Garrick and I are friends sir, it there a problem?” Data frowned in confusion.   
“Forget it Data” Angry at himself for his slip up, Will watched Chris settle herself at her station and start work, then realised Geordi was regarding him with sympathy. Will wrenched his eyes away, it was no good he couldn’t concentrate here.  
“Sir, would you like to talk about it?” Geordi seemed uncomfortable even asking. Will grinned at him.  
“no, Geordi I would not. I’m going to head to the bridge, keep me updated.”

Two weeks it had been two weeks and Will was still wrestling with his feelings. He had done his best to avoid Chris, but some meetings were inevitable. They seemed to always be running into each other and each time it had been deeply uncomfortable. Then last night at a mutual friends birthday party, they had spent the evening standing on opposite sides of the room avoiding each others eyes. Until Chris walked out. Concerned and angry at himself, Will had followed her into the turbo lift. They had stood there in silence, eventually Will had found his voice, “Are you okay?”  
“I’m fine.” she had replied in a voice that sounded pretty far from fine. The lift had chosen that moment to stop and the words he was going to say had died unspoken as she had walked away.   
Which was why he was stood here at her door again, heart hammering like a frightened thing trying to figure out what the hell he wanted to say. Full of trepidation he hit the doorbell.  
“She doesn’t want to see you” Hallima stood braced in the door arms folded tightly.  
“I just want to know she is okay, that’s all.” Will pleaded, Hallima sighed and shrugged.  
“What about you?, are you okay Commander?”Her question surprised the hell out of Will, he gaped at her for a second.  
“is that a serious question?”  
“yes, it is” Hallima stepped aside and gestured for him to come in. when he looked hesitant she laughed. “Chris isn’t here right now, so you want to talk?”  
“About what?”he asked, Hallima looked at him as though he was denser than a neutron star.  
“Chris, obviously.” Still confused Will hesitantly crossed the threshold. “Take a seat”  
“No thanks, I’ll stand” Some thing in Hallima’s voice made Will bristle, he folded his arms and glared at her.  
“My, my defensive to day aren’t we” Hallima settled herself on the sofa and skewered Will with a diamond like stare. Leaving him feeling like a petulant child.   
“How am I?, well can’t sleep, for one thing” he admitted, unable to stand still he began to pace the small space between the couch and the coffee table.  
“Why is that?”  
“I think you know.” Will heard the bitterness leaking into his voice and was appalled with himself. “Fuck” he muttered and sank down onto the couch. “I’m sorry that sounded awful.” He scrubbed at his beard.   
“Chris hurt you?”  
“Yes, but I just want to know if she is alright.”  
“Why?”  
“Because I love her, because I’m scared for her. I need to know she is safe.” Will dropped his face into his hands, “It makes it easier to walk away, well that’s what I tell myself.” Hallima nodded.  
“What happened Will?” Hallima’s voice was gentle, Will looked at her helplessly.  
“Didn’t Chris tell you?”  
“if I even mention your name she walks out, why do you think she is in engineering right now? Her shift finished hours ago”  
“I’m not sure,” he paused and rifled through his memories. “When I woke up in sick bay, she kissed me. I thought-” he let out a short derisive laugh at his own stupidity. “She just shut down, pulled away.”   
“you sure that’s it?” Hallima leaned forward, chin cupped in her palm, dark eyes questioning.  
“I told her I love her, I thought she loved me back.” Hallima let out a groan. She stood up and sat back down next to Will, she patted his knee and smiled.  
“Chris is complicated, actually that’s not true. She’s a mess.”  
“Well that’s comforting”  
“Don’t act like you didn’t know, besides going on your recent actions you are enough of a mess yourself.”  
“I suppose you are right” Will grinned at her, he had to admit he liked Hallima. Her forth right style was refreshing. Hallima stood up and brushed her uniform down.  
“I have to go, I have a dinner date.” Will stood up too Hallima shook her head at him. “you stay here, wait for Chris.”  
“I don’t think ambushing her is a good idea.”  
“Probably not, but you two need to talk or scream at each other, Your choice. Just clear the god damned air.”


	12. Trying not to love you only goes so far...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it is my personal headcanon that Will-the- thrill-i-never-met-a-species-i-wouldn't- bang-Riker, must be a phenomenally good fuck, so here this is a smut chapter, enjoy   
> the smut *bows theatrically*  
> *also contains plot*

After a few hours waiting, Will was about to give up and leave when Chris finally walked in. “Hi” Will said rising slowly from the couch. She jolted with surprise, for a moment her face was unreadable before he saw anger kindle in her eyes.  
“What the fuck are you doing in my quarters!” Chris yelled, Will held up his hands.  
“I had to see you, I’m sorry.”  
“I told you we were finished!”  
“Well we don’t feel finished!” Will shouted back, he thumped his chest, Chris just gave him a flat ugly glare. “And you won’t talk to me” he added lamely.  
“So what now you are just breaking into my quarters now?”  
“Hallima let me in.”  
“I told her not to” Chris growled.  
“Well, clearly she didn’t listen.” Will stood up and stalked to the window, “I know you are not okay” he heard his voice crack, Chris took a half step towards him and then seemed to think better of it.  
“What do you want Will?”  
“I want you!” he shouted at her frustrated, and then backed away shocked at his own anger. “I know you want me, you said-” he paused hearing how that sounded in his own ears, whiny, bratty misogynist even. “shit, I’m sorry” He sat back down on the couch too embarrassed to even look at her. He felt the cushion shift as she sat next to him and froze. He felt raw like an exposed nerve.  
“Will, look at me, please.” he let himself look at her, let himself drown in her deep brown eyes. Her lips quivered inches from his. It reminded him of the first time he had wanted to kiss her, in the jefferies tube under the sensors.   
“How about you kiss me.” he suggested.  
“Will-”  
“How about we stop worrying about being good or bad for each other.” Will flinched as she braced her hand against his chest, she neither pushed him away or pulled him closer. “and you just kiss me, if you want.”  
“and then what?”  
“I’ll kiss you back”  
“And where is that going to get us?” her fingers plucked at his uniform.  
“I don’t know, but it’s got to be better than this right?” he ran a finger along her bottom lip.   
“Will? for once in your life, shut the fuck up!” Was not the response he had been expecting, he blinked at her in surprise.  
“What-” She cut him off with a fierce kiss.  
“Hush!” Chris hissed in his ear in she unzipped his uniform shirt and tugged his pants open. Will let her have her way, he gasped when her fingers closed round his cock. For a moment he held her immobile and stared into her eyes.  
“Are you sure about this?” he demanded, in answer Chris stood up and stripped off her uniform, then she straddled Will again. His cock pressed against her stomach, Will felt her fingers close around his shaft and groaned into her shoulder. Her nipples were hard under his touch, he suckled one gently and squeezed the other between his fingers.   
Slowly teasingly, Chris slid him inside. Will gripped her hips and lifted her so his whole length pulled out then slipped back in again sending delicious sensations flooding through them both. “That’s good” Chris panted in his ear, her fingernails dug into his shoulder. Chris was coming he could feel her muscles bunching under his fingers,. He pushed himself deep into her, loving the way she tightened and jerked around him. He came the instant after Chris screamed her release into his hair.  
For a while they just stayed where they were, unwilling to move and break the silence. Eventually Chris loosed her hold on his shoulders and slide to one side. She watched him with wide considering eyes. “I guess, I owe you an explanation” she whispered. Will shook his head.  
“No, you don’t. I’m just amazed you still slept with me”  
“Why?”  
“Because I’ve acted like a moron.”he said simply. Chris kissed him and cradled his face in her hands.  
“So have I, but I think for now, we should stop talking and do that again.” Chris stood up and hauled Will to his feet.  
“I think that’s a great idea” Will nodded and let her tow him into her bedroom

“you know it’s weird” Chris said as they lay exhausted on twisted sheets.  
“What?” Will asked blearily.  
“I love you but I know nothing about you.”  
“I don’t think that’s true”  
“What I mean is” She smiled and fingered a strand of his chest hair. “facts, like where did you grow up?”  
“Oh I see, like actual information.”  
“Yeah so where did you grow up?”  
“you’re serious aren’t you” Will kissed her softly.  
“Don’t try and distract me” Chris grinned with mock annoyance and pinned his wrists behind his head, “Spill the beans.”   
“Alright, Earth, Alaska.”  
“Snow and mountains, that explains a lot. What about your parents, they still there?” it was a reasonable question, even so Will felt the usual lump in his throat at the mention of his childhood.  
“Uh, my Mom died when I was little, me and my Dad we don’t have the best relationship.” Chris let go of his wrists and pressed her forehead against his.  
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have brought it up.”  
“Hey” her eyes were closed, Will cradled her face between his hands, “Hey, look at me, it’s fine. It happened a long time ago.”  
“Still hurts though doesn’t it?” She said softly. Again Will was struck by how easily she read him, it made him smile.  
“yeah, but it’s okay. What about you? Where did you grow up?”  
“Well” She wiggled her self into the crook of his arm, her head resting on his shoulder blade. “I grew up on Gudron three.”   
“Edwins World?” Will asked, wondering if his memory was right.  
“Yeah you know it?”  
“I spent my first shore leave after the academy there, beautiful beaches wasn’t so keen on those pterodactyl things-”  
“Tat-su birds” Chris supplied the name with a smile.  
“Yeah those and those other things, the sand hunters”  
“bane of my childhood, they don’t usual go for anything bigger than them. Scary enough if you are a kid though.”  
“I bet, I mean I just had to contend with bears, wolves and moose.” he teased.  
“You can joke, when I was 17 a sand hunter took a chunk out of me, I was lucky this guy chased it off.” Will frowned in disbelief as a half forgotten memory popped into his head, tearing along a beach shouting at something.  
“It bit you on the shoulder” he said softly. Chris was frowning too now, she sat up and turned round. Will reached out and traced the jagged scar just under her shoulder blade, “Small universe.”  
“Yeah” Chris whispered for Will time rushed backwards, he remembered the panic and the horror of that moment. His fingers spasmed at the memory of trying to staunch all that blood. Chris shivered, Will wrapped his arms around her.   
“I can’t believe that was you.”  
“Like wise, my parents tried to find you afterwards.”  
“It was my last day shore leave, the Pegasus picked me up that evening.” Will let go of her reluctantly and then grinned. “So you were the girl who ruined my 22nd birthday.”  
“It was your birthday?”   
“Yes and you ruined it by nearly dying.” he snorted with mock annoyance.  
“I suppose you think you deserve some kind of compensation?”  
“Maybe” Will touched his lips to the bare skin of Chris’ shoulder.  
“What do you have in mind?” Chris whispered as he worked his way up her neck.  
“Why don’t you lie down and find out.” he suggested, and liked the dirty grin that was his reward. Chris let him push her back on to the pillows, he pulled the sheet off of her and let his gaze dwell possessively on the naked curves of her body.He wanted all of her, every bit. She was looking up at him with anticipation in her eyes and the thought of what he was about to do was already making him hard. Gently he ran his hands up the inside of her legs, pushing them apart and enjoying the way her muscles quivered. He heard Chris moan;  
“Yes!” As he sank his head between her legs and mouthed her clit. The taste of her salt, encouraged him to slide his tongue along her slit and then thrust it in deeper. He hooked his arms around her legs as her hips began to buck, her fingers grabbed at his hair. He slowed down and looked up at her, her eyes were closed tightly, her back arched.  
“More?” Chris didn’t speak she just nodded. Will flicked his lips over her clit and she squirmed against his mouth. Her hips spread wide and she pushed herself into the mattress as he fucked her with his tongue. His cock was almost painfully hard now, he wrapped his fingers round the shaft and squeezed to relieve the ache a little, his fingers came away instantly sticky with his own pre-cum. Desperately he wanted to dive inside her and let go, ‘not yet,’ he reminded himself sternly. Deftly he slipped a finger inside her and nuzzled her clit some more., She cried out wordlessly and pawed at the air, grinding down on his fingers.   
A flood of warm cum filled his mouth, Will couldn’t wait another minute he slipped his fingers out and pressed the head of his cock against her quivering slit. She was still coming, he tried to push in slowly, but she grabbed his buttocks and fed him inside until they were rocking pelvis to pelvis. Her legs tightened around him, the fire pooling in his belly flared, he thrust into her and her hips rose to meet him. They came together, Will collapsed beside her, heart hammering, body still shaking with the after shocks and his brain somewhere in the next quadrant.  
“That was-” he managed to blurt out half a sentence. Chris stroked his back and kissed the skin under his jaw.  
“It was, lets not do the talk thing now okay? I think you dissolved my synapses.” She turned over and claimed Will’s pillow. “we should probably get some sleep” Chris murmured, scrunching the stolen cushion up under her head.  
“Why?”  
“Because Commander, you have to be on duty in three hours.” she pointed at the clock beside her bed. Will groaned.  
“I need a shower,” He leaned over and kissed her forehead gently, “I love you.” He stood up and tucked the blanket round her semi comatose form.   
By one of the many perverse quirks of fate that seemed to accompany Will every where these days, he walked into the lounge naked and straight into Hallima. Who just stared at him for an entire minute in silence.  
“So you two worked it out then?” she said mildly.  
“Yeah we did. How much of that did you hear” Will pointed over his shoulder.  
“Well I heard enough to be impressed” Hallima folded her arms and looked him up and down critically. “Now I’ve seen enough too.” To Will she didn’t seem the least bit embarrassed at finding the second most senior officer naked in her quarters.   
“Are you going to tell anyone about this?” He asked, Hallima sighed and smiled.  
“Will Hunny, what you and Chris do is your business, but even so, I can see this being my go to story for quite some time, in fact I hope to be telling this story to my grandkids.”


	13. Don’t get to close it’s dark inside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yet more angst from our resident dumbasses. also known as who is the most insecure.

“Are you sure this is a good idea” Chris whispered into Will’s ear as they walked towards Ten-forward.  
“We can’t hide out in my quarters or yours forever”  
“I don’t know I was quite enjoying hiding. How about we go home and play some more.” She stood on her tiptoes and breathed in his ear. Chris saw Will fighting against an irrepressible grin, he kissed her cheek.  
“Got to face the public sometime.”   
“Can’t we leave it a bit longer” she replied under her breath.   
“How much longer?”  
“I was thinking the heat death of the universe.” She stopped just outside the doors, ten-forward was packed. She could already hear the hubbub of voices.  
“It will be fine.” Will was trying to re-assure her, but it didn’t help. A tiny bit of overly familiar panic bubbled up.  
“Maybe we should have picked a less formal occasion.” She folded her arms tightly, Will sighed and pulled her to one side, away from the doors. Smiling, he looked her up and down.  
“You look stunning.”  
“I feel really uncomfortable” Chris tugged at the close fitting bodice of the silver strapless gown, Hallima had picked out for her. The skirt was full length, she fully expected to trip over the damn thing every time she took a step. Will took her hands, a smile was playing at the corners of his mouth.  
“Like I said you look amazing, but if you really don’t want to do this we don’t have to.” he was looking at her with earnest sincerity, she gave in.  
“Fine, but I’m taking this thing off as soon as we go home.”  
“That a promise?” Will wiggled his eyebrows at her. Despite her misgivings a small laugh bubbled up at the suggestive look in his eyes.  
“yes, that’s a promise.” she kissed him, for a moment Chris thought she had persuaded him what a bad idea this was, But he pulled away smiling and shook his head.  
“Not going to work, come on,” he squeezed her fingers and towed her through the doors “the ambassador is waiting.”  
The Enterprise bar was just as packed as the voices indicated, Will walked them through the crowd to where the Captain was standing with a red haired woman Chris recognised from her days tending the angel one refugees. Picard smiled at them both benevolently, he turned to the woman.  
“Number one, Lieutenant Garrick this is Mistress Samara, the new head of Angel one’s government.”  
“Government in exile” Samara corrected the captain before extending a gracious hand to Chris. The breach in protocol made her cheeks flare, then she remembered that the structure of Angel one’s society was distinctly biased towards females, she straightened her back and firmly grasped the proffered hand.   
“I am sorry for your loss, Mistress Samara.”  
“Thank you.”  
“Lieutenant Garrick is part of the team, trying to discover who attacked you” Picard interjected. Samara looked Chris up and down, there was something disdainful in her eyes.  
“I thought you were a nurse, lieutenant? You treated me when I came on board, Only men were nurses back home.”  
“Actually I’m an engineer and systems analyst, but I can be a nurse when needed.” Chris stared the woman in the eyes defiantly, “what I do does not define who I am.”For a moment Chris thought she had gone too far, she saw Picard frown, but Samara just laughed and clouted her on her bare shoulder.  
“Well spoken Lieutenant, I should like to talk to you about the attack on my home world if you have time?”  
“Yes of course.” Chris wandered whether she should ask the Captain’s permission, but Picard was nodding and smiling in agreement.   
“You remember my first officer, William Riker.” Picard prompted earning Chris’ gratitude, as Samara’s intense gaze shifted, the woman was a little intimidating.  
“Yes of course.” she inclined her head regally, “This one is your mate?” She asked Chris peremptorily. Chris saw Picard smile, though the Captain covered it with a cough.  
“Yes, this one is my mate.” She glanced at Will, who looked very much like he wanted to run away and very pointedly took his arm. “If you will excuse us, Captain?”  
“Oh course” Picard waved them away. Chris half dragged half marched Will to the dance floor. Dancing wouldn’t have been her first choice, but at least it offered some degree of privacy.   
“I think you impressed her.” Will muttered in her ear as they joined in the people swirling around the floor.  
“Good because she is terrifying.” Chris gripped his hand. There had been a lascivious look in Samara’s eyes when she saw Will. It triggered a jolt of instinctive possessiveness Chris’ mind, ‘mine’ some primitive part of her growled. Will grinned and tightened his grip on her waist.  
“I think she liked me.” he teased.  
“She comes anywhere near you I will scratch her eyes out.” it was meant to be a joke, but it sounded angry. Will narrowed his eyes and danced them to the far side of the room.  
“Are you alright?”  
“I’m sorry, it was supposed to be funny.” Chris stuttered.  
“Didn’t sound very funny,” Will let go of her and stared out the window instead. It was an awkward uncomfortable silence.   
“Will, I didn’t mean it.” Chris squeezed his shoulder, still he didn’t turn round.  
“I know what the gossip says about me.”he said the words slowly, deliberately. “I know what they call me.”  
“Will they don’t call you anything.”  
“Will-the-thrill” he spat over his shoulder, Chris heard the hurt in the words. She squeezed in front of him and made him meet her eyes.  
“I never said that.”  
“Maybe, you have thought it though.”   
“Yeah I have. Once, when you asked me out that first time.” Honesty seemed the best course, “but I know it’s not true. What I said just now-” She slipped her arms around him. “It was my insecurities, entirely mine.”  
“I would never- I’m with you. I know what everybody thinks, but I don’t mess around.” there was a lot of guilt in his eyes, Chris felt terrible.  
“lets dance and forget this happened” She suggested, Will nodded and let her lead him back to the floor.   
The rest of the evening passed slowly, Every time Chris spoke to Will he seemed to be pre-occupied with some internal problem. Their every exchange felt weirdly brittle, like neither of them wanted to ask the right questions for fear of ruining something. 

The uneasy truce lasted until they got back to Will’s quarters and broke completely when Will was unlacing the complicated back fastening of the dreadful dress. She heard his quick intake of breath and turned round. Anger furrowed his features.  
“What’s wrong, you still pissed about earlier?”  
“yes” A curt answer, Chris watched as he crossed to the replicator and ordered a scotch.  
“I’ll admit when I was younger I was an idiot, but I’m not like that now.”  
“Will I know, I know.”  
“Then why don’t you trust me?”  
“I do” Chris was confused as hell, she tied her robe more securely and took a calming breath. “Will you have to tell me what you are thinking, because you have lost me.” He was clasping the whisky glass close to his chest.  
“Then why won’t you tell me what happened at Wolf 359?” that caught her completely flat footed, Chris goldfished for a second.  
“You have no right to demand that of me”  
“you have nightmares about it all the time”  
“That is not true.”  
“Yes it is, sometimes I can’t wake you up and that is terrifying for me” His words were tumbling out in a horrifying rush, Chris backed away. She couldn’t have this talk, not yet. “what is it Chris, why don’t you trust me to stick around?” All Chris could do was mutely shake her head, she had no coherent answer for him.  
“I’m sorry”  
“Chris what is it? Why won’t you tell me what happened to you? Tell me so I can help please!” he was still angry, but now he was begging her.  
“You don’t want to know.”  
“Yes I do, now tell me what you are so afraid of!” his face was mere inches away, Chris broke.  
“Isabel died, I ordered her to repair a damaged EPS conduit and she died.” She hurled the words at him.   
“Why didn’t you just tell me?”  
“She died okay Will, the love of my life died and I spent three days trapped with her dead body, before they found me.” Suddenly Chris wanted to get away, she marched out of the door. Will followed her.  
“Chris come back please!”  
“Leave me the fuck alone!” she screamed back at him, she didn’t even notice the other crewmembers in the corridor.  
Hallima took one look at her face when she walked into their quarters and sighed. “what happened this time?”

It was getting easier to talk to Troi, Chris was a lot less wary of the betazoid than she had been. But this morning the memory of Will’s broken hearted expression haunted her thoughts and she was one hundred percent sure sure Troi would immediately pick up on her distress. It was difficult to walk into that office, she had a feeling the news of the screaming match would be all over the ship by now.  
Deanna, however just smiled brightly and handed her a coffee. It was becoming their ritual, coffee and pleasantries, before easing into less easy subjects. Chris couldn’t even manage the small talk properly this morning.   
“Are you alright” Troi asked abruptly.  
“Will and I had an argument.” Chris admitted grudgingly, best to get it out in the open first.  
“I heard, in fact Hallima called me. She said you were very upset.”  
“Oh course she did, no honour amongst psychologists.” Chris sarcastically snorted then immediately felt bad, this wasn’t the Counsellor’s fault after all.   
“Chris she is worried about your welfare.” Deanna admonished her lightly.  
“I know, I’m sorry.”  
“So what did you two fight about?” Deanna sat back in her chair and gave Chris an encouraging smile.  
“It was stupid, I don’t even know why we ended up fighting.” Chris lied.  
“Well if you tell me what it was about, maybe we can make sense of it” Deanna pointed out. Chris pulled a face and groaned.  
“He asked me what happened at Wolf 359.”   
“I see.” Deanna tapped her stylus against her padd absent-mindedly. “So what did you do?”  
“I got angry, said some things.”   
“What things?”  
“Deanna don’t make me repeat it, I really hurt his feelings.”  
“Did you tell him what happened?”   
“I didn’t tell him, I screamed it in his face like a banshee.” Chris rubbed her temples, a stress headache was busy using her frontal cortex as a xylophone.   
“Why do you think this particular subject makes you so angry.”  
“I don’t know” Chris slumped back and stared at the ceiling. “That’s a lie I do know. We’ve talked about it, but with Will” her voice trailed off. “The fear is real with him, talking to you it’s an abstract thing, with Will it has claws.” There was sympathy in Deanna’s eyes, she didn’t say anything though just got up and refilled Chris’ cup from the cafetière on the table. “You are an angel” Chris gratefully sipped the strong sweet stuff.  
“I don’t know about that” Deanna grinned modestly. “My coffee making skills aside, you need to find a way to rationalise these fears Chris.”  
“How Deanna? I have tried everything.” She sounded pathetic to her own ears, god knows what she must sound like to Deanna. The betazoid thought for a moment and let out a sigh.  
“You need to start trusting people to make their own decisions.” it was the bluntest thing Deanna had ever said to her, Chris felt her hackles rise.  
“What do you mean?” she struggled to keep her voice neutral.  
“You feeling angry again?”  
“Frankly yes.”  
“Chris, who decided to repair the EPS conduit despite the possibility of a hull breach?” Deanna tilted her head, Chris stood up abruptly.  
“I have to go, my shift starts in ten-”  
“Lieutenant sit down.” Troi’s sudden anger confused her, she stood there biting her lip. “That was an order.” Chris complied, grudgingly. “Now, whose idea was it?”  
“That doesn’t matter, I was in command of that section I should have made a different call.”  
“Whose idea was it Chris?” Deanna repeated the question.  
“Isabel’s, but-”  
“Was it a good idea?”  
“Yes, but with hind sight-”  
“Chris at the time you didn’t have hind sight, you didn’t know. You made the right choice given the options available.”  
“But Izzy died. ” Chris hugged herself to still the tremors that came with remembrance. It came back as it always did in horrifying detail, the smoke the fire and the distant terrifying rumbling of a warp core on the edge of breach. Deanna had an arm around her shoulders now.  
“It wasn’t your fault, you were trying to save your ship and you succeeded. Your actions stopped the warp core from exploding.” Deanna paused, Chris saw a variety of emotions flick over her face, she wondered what or more accurately who, the counsellor was remembering.  
“I am so scared of losing him, Deanna.”   
“I know and you know something?”  
“What?”  
“So am I, every time he goes on away mission, or we end up in some life or death situation. But I trust Will to weigh the risks and you should too.” Deanna patted her on the back. “You have to trust his judgement and yours.”  
“Easier said than done and you forget he turned up in my quarters with a concussion and nearly died.” Deanna laughed at that, Chris found herself smiling too, it did sound absurd out loud.  
“Well, Will does have a penchant for grand romantic gestures.”  
“That sounds like the voice of experience.” Chris sat back down, on the couch this time rather than her customary armchair.   
“I could tell you stories, but now is not an appropriate time.” Deanna shrugged, she seemed pre-occupied for a moment. “Remember what we have discussed, trust yourself. Talk to Will.”  
“Okay, your right. I shouldn’t have reacted like that. Thanks Deanna.” Chris stood up and pulled her uniform straight. “I’ll see you tomorrow”  
“Count on it.”


	14. if it’s worth saving me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> making up is not hard to do, especially if you are both idiots.

Chris had to wait until the end of her shift in engineering, before she could go and hunt down the second in command. She eventually found him in a deserted shuttlebay 2, perched on a cargo container and looking distinctly remorseful. Incongruously there was a picnic basket balanced next to him.  
“Hi” he said, without looking at her.  
“Hi.” She folded her arms looked up at him. “What you doing up there?”  
“Waiting for you to find me.”  
“Are you perched six foot off the ground because you think I’m still mad at you?”  
“It seemed a reasonable precaution, are you still mad at me?”  
“No. Are you still pissed at me?” Chris shuffled her feet feeling awkward, Will’s gaze shifted inward for a moment, she wondered what he was thinking.   
“I was, for most of this morning, but then I realised I’m an idiot.” he dropped down off the container and finally smiled at her. A shy uncertain smile, but still a smile. Chris stood on tip toe and draped her arms around his neck.  
“I do trust you Will, I’m sorry if I ever made you think otherwise.”  
“And I’m not going anywhere, not unless you send me away yourself.” He brushed an errant lock of dark hair from her forehead and then very carefully kissed her. She released him with a smile.   
“So what is all this?” she gestured to the picnic basket and then the empty shuttlebay.  
“I wanted to say sorry about last night”  
“Will you didn’t do anything wrong, I should have told you about Izzy before.”  
“I still shouldn’t have pushed you. It was cruel of me, so I’m sorry” he looked genuinely dejected.  
“And you chose a shuttlecraft bay for this because?”  
“I thought we could get off the ship, have some real alone time and you said you wanted to up your pilot rating”  
“Will-”   
“I love you, please tell me I am doing this right, because I am terrified I am getting it wrong.” his words and the desperate look in his eyes silenced her.  
“Will, I love you and yes you are doing this right, but you have forgotten one thing.”  
“What?”  
“I’m not cleared for away missions and that includes shuttle trips”  
“You are, provisionally for now. I spoke to Deanna. She thinks you will be fine, provided you keep going to therapy.”  
“Right, well Deanna does make good coffee”  
“Besides, it’s not an away mission.”  
“Then what is it?”  
“A date ?” he suggested and swung the basket off the cargo container, it clinked.  
“What’s in there?” she flipped open the lid of the basket and pulled out a bottle. “Real champagne?”  
“Yeah.” he shrugged clearly embarrassed. Chris read the label, then held up the bottle.  
“This is actual champagne, from France. Where did you get this? Cause we are a long way from earth.”   
“The captain keeps a few cases for special events.”  
“You stole this from the Captains stash?”  
“Will it get me more credit if I say I did?” he sidled closer, Chris snorted with the effort of trying not laugh.  
“Where did you really get it?”  
“Actually the Captain gave it to me.” Will plucked the bottle from her fingers and placed it back in the basket. “He was impressed with how you handled Mistress Samara, He also told me to stop being a bloody idiot.”  
“I sense he has said that to you before”  
“More than once” Will admitted chagrined.  
“We can’t drink that and pilot the shuttle.”  
“I suppose not, we can have it when we get back though, maybe.” he looked at her pleadingly, Chris took the basket from him.  
“Okay, it’s a date. Lets go.”

“You know this nebula is a bit murky, we really didn’t have to come out here again.” Chris told Will softly.   
“Chris, come on you are nearly done this is your fourth lesson, I thought you might like a challenge.”  
“Will, the sensors don’t work in this muck and there are plasma storms out there.”   
“line of sight, you can do this.”   
“Will this seems like a bad idea, we could die.”  
“We have shields, we are not going to die.”  
“You ever had sex in one of these?” Chris asked nonchalantly.   
“uhh..no” Will knew he was blushing, he could feel Chris’ intense gaze on him and the sweet sensation of her hand stroking his thigh.  
“liar.” she laughed. “Talk about anything to do with sex, the tips of your ears turn red.” she stuck her tongue out at him.  
“Are you trying really to bribe me with sex to get out of doing this?”   
“Yes I am. Will remember a couple of days ago, we were supposed to go to Data’s poetry reading?”  
“Yes” Will carefully avoided her eyes.   
“Why didn’t we go in the end?”  
“Because I got in the shower with you and you let me distract you.”  
“Yeah for two hours and I like Data’s poems.”  
“Point taken.”  
“So yes to clarify, I am trying to distract you with shuttle sex. Because I do not want to go in there” She stabbed a finger at the roiling mess outside the window. “Also I’ve never had sex in a shuttle.”  
“This is barely a class two nebula. We have shields, we are safe.” he took the point of her chin in his hand and drew her close for a kiss. “Trust yourself.”  
“I really don’t think-”  
“Then trust me in my judgement of your ability.” he shrugged and smiled smugly, too smugly. Chris’ eyes narrowed suspiciously.   
“Is this some weird trust exercise you and Deanna cooked up?”  
“Uh maybe.” Will tried his best to look sheepish. “But, flying without sensors is part of your pilot rating. You do this you will be a triple A star pilot.” Chris glared at him and then groaned theatrically.  
“Fine, but if we die, the last thing you will hear is me saying ‘I told you so’.”  
“It’s deal, now fire up the impulse engines. Go gently, one quarter impulse unless you need to get out of trouble fast. Proceed.”  
“Aye, aye Sir” Chris ripped off a fatuous salute and grinned lopsidedly at him.  
“You know Lieutenant, I should discipline you for insubordination.”  
“Yes, you should sir” she licked her lips and her eyes roved over him greedily, Will leaned over.  
“On the other side of the nebula” he whispered in her ear and sat back triumphant.  
“Worth a try, plotting course. Switching helm to manual.” Will could hear the suppressed panic in her voice. He reached out and squeezed her hand. “Will I’m nervous as hell, talk to me”  
“about what?”  
“Anything tell me something I don’t know about you. Engaging impulse engine.”  
“Okay, I think about our future sometimes” Chris’ flinched, the shuttle banked violently, Will was thrust back in his seat for a moment before she got it back under control.  
“What?” She said quietly, Will tried to hide his disappointment.  
“Maybe this isn’t the best time”   
“No, tell me.” Chris’ eyes were glued to the window, her hands now firm on the helm controls.  
“I think about where we are going. Don’t you?”  
“I’m not great at thinking long term Will, the universe has a habit of laughing at my expectations.”  
“So you don’t think about us?”  
“Sometimes, I do.” Chris increased the shuttles speed to avoid a spinning black mass of rock, impressed Will followed it with his eyes at it sailed past the starboard nacelle.  
“you are doing fine,” he told her softly.   
“So what does it look like to you, this future?” There was something different, a new note in her voice. Will shifted in his seat feeling suddenly exposed.’what if I misjudged things?’  
“I don’t really know, just happy with you. That’s all I need.” Chris shut the engines off let the shuttle drift. Will heard her breath shudder in her chest and decided she had made the right call.  
“Did you just propose to me?”  
“I’m not sure, depends on the answer.” he felt like an idiot, what the hell was he thinking? They had barely been together two months. Chris swivelled her chair to face him, her expression unreadable.  
“Are you serious?”  
“I think so, I’ve never actually done this before.”  
“In that case, my answer is maybe”  
“Maybe?”  
“If we get out of this nebula in one piece, maybe, I’ll say yes” She turned her chair back to the helm and fired up the impulse engines. Will let her steer in silence. The rational part of him was trying to understand what he had just done, while another neglected part of himself revelled. He looked over at Chris, she realised he was staring at her and smiled. It hit him like a lightening bolt, ‘this is what I want’. He opened his mouth to tell her, but she frowned and stared back at her instruments instead.“there is something massive up ahead. it’s warping the local EM fields.”  
“This deep into the nebula it’s probably a planetary fragment.” Will reassured her.  
“I don’t think so, not enough mass.” They both peered into the boiling multicoloured gases, that shrouded the mystery object.  
“Ahead half impulse and stand by the brakes.”  
“Aye Sir” No sarcasm now, just a shared worried look.   
The gases began to thin as they drew closer to the object, Chris leaned forward squinting. Will stared in mounting horror as a horribly familiar shape rose, behemoth like from the cloud. His throat went very dry, he gulped air into his lungs and felt Chris take his hand, her fingers trembled in his grip.  
“Will-”  
“I know, its the Borg.”


	15. Hello darkness my old friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> plot alert.

“We have to get out of here now” Will was surprised at the calmness of his own voice. “Full reverse.”It had been nearly three years since the battle of Wolf 359, but still the memory was still fresh, an open wound. His Captain gone, the fleet in pieces, they had very nearly lost that day. Will remembered the powerlessness of it and the sinking feeling that it was out of his control. He had gambled and very nearly lost everything. Now that fear was back taunting him.  
“Will just wait” Chris tugged on his hand, he looked over at her, her skin was very pale. She was still staring at the monstrosity in front of them.   
“Chris it’s the Borg” he pointed out.“ We need to get back to the Enterprise and warn them and hope they haven’t detected us.”  
“I know Will, but look at that thing.”  
“What are you talking about?”  
“Just look at it, it’s damaged.” Will stared at the cube, Chris was right. In his shocked state, he hadn’t registered the massive hole that marred the cubes perfect symmetry. It looked like a giant fist had punched straight through the borg vessel, debris and bodies orbited around the ship in a sombre ring.   
“What could have done that to the Borg?”  
“lets hope it’s not still around, the cube appears dead. I am not reading any power output at all.”  
“Be careful, those things have a habit of suddenly resurrecting.”  
“It’s dead Will and looking at these scans it’s been dead for a while.”  
“Let me see” he leaned over and peered at her monitor. “looks like your right, what’s this here though? Looks like the dispersal pattern from a Romulan disruptor.” Chris nodded. “Call up the visual scan a minute.” Together they stared at the magnified image of the cube.   
“There.” Chris stabbed a finger at the screen and enlarged a section, “that doesn’t fit the overall pattern of damage.”  
“Looks like someone has removed part of the hull, shit.”  
“What would the Romulans do if they found a dead Borg cube in space?” Chris asked, Will noticed she had gone very still.  
“Take it to bits, use the technology.”  
“I’ve seen this pattern before.” her voice was quiet.  
“Where?”  
“Angel one, the Romulans used Borg tech on that planet. You’re right we need to get back to Enterprise now.”  
“I’ll drive.”

Chris shifted in her chair, she had never been in the Captains ready room before and was feeling distinctly overwhelmed. She exchanged a worried glance with Will.“And you are sure it was the Borg?” Picard asked for the second time.  
“Yes sir” she kept her voice low, “I was at wolf 359, the shape of those things is burnt into my brain.”   
“likewise, lieutenant” Picard agreed softly, Chris saw something in his eyes, a flash of shared experience. “you are sure the cube was deactivated?”  
“no activity, at least none we could detect.” Will told him stonily. Chris could see how shaken up he was. She wanted to reach over and take his hand, but she couldn’t not here not in front of the Captain.  
“Sir the degradation of the ships hull, indicated it had been in that nebula for at least a year, maybe longer.” Chris pointed out, she wanted to reassure the Captain. He must have realised her intention because he directed a small tight smile at her.  
“you are sure the evidence points to Romulan involvement?”  
“I’ll need more proof to be sure, but yes sir.”Chris felt bad for Picard, the captain seemed to be retreating into himself.  
“Number one, what course of action do you recommend?”  
“As much as I hate it sir, we should head back there, take the Enterprise into the nebula, see if they left any clue to what they are doing behind.”   
“I fear you are right, Will” Picard fixed his eyes on Chris, she met his gaze steadily, it was difficult, she had never seen so much pain reflected in someone’s eyes before, it was like looking into hell.  
“Lieutenant Garrick, you will assist Commanders LaForge and Data with this, Number one change course take us to this nebula”  
“Aye sir” They murmured in unison.   
As they exited Picard’s ready room, Chris let out a breath she didn’t know she had been holding. “Are you alright?” Will asked as they crossed the main bridge and entered the turbolift.   
“No not really” She leaned against the lift wall and shook her head. “Main engineering” she ordered the computer.  
“We’ll be okay, everything is going to be fine, hey.” he grinned at her, “We made it back so, what’s your answer?”   
“so you were serious”  
“Deadly” he took her hand and kissed the knuckles gallantly. Chris stroked his cheek, the little fearful voice at the back of her mind was quiet for once.  
“then yes.” 

A day later and the Enterprise was surrounded by the greenish gas of the nebula, the borg cube bobbed outside like a lurking monster. The cube was almost certainly dead, so the Captain had finally cancelled red alert and Will was grudgingly on his way to fulfil a promise he had made to himself. He was going to tell Deanna. He stopped outside her office door and waited, she welcomed him in with a smile.  
“Deanna, can I talk to you for a second?” His palms were already sweating, it was absurd. Deanna was his closest friend, she would be happy for him right?  
“Sure Will, I just finished my last patient for the day, the borg cube has reawakened some bad memories for the crew”  
“Not just the crew” Will sighed.  
“Are you feeling alright?”  
“Yeah, it’s not the borg or at least not just that.”  
“Did something happen?”  
“you could say that, nothing bad though, don’t worry” Will sat down and stared at the floor, suddenly he had no idea where to begin.   
“Spit it out Will, I’m meeting Beverly for dinner soon” She started to stack up the padds on her desk.  
“I um, proposed to Chris.”  
“What!” Deanna looked incredulous, she put the stack of padds down with a thump.  
“I- you’re my best friend I wanted to tell you first.”  
“you proposed?” Deanna looked dubious.  
“yeah, kind of” Will shifted in his seat He felt distinctly uncomfortable, he tried crossing his legs then uncrossed them and sat up letting his hands dangle between his knees.  
“What did she say?”  
“She said maybe.” he smiled what he knew was an unconvincing smile.  
“Will, I’m not censuring you, but are you sure about this?”  
“look I know we haven’t been together long-”  
“That is not the only issue. I like Chris, I really do. I’m just worried you two are running into this with your eyes shut.”  
“Deanna, I’m not some love struck teenager.” Irritated Will stood up.   
“I never implied you were, but this seems sudden. I just want you to be sure this is what you want.”   
“I love her, I want to be with her. I need her to know that.”  
“I understand. ” Deanna rubbed her temples and smiled sadly at him, Will recognised the look in her eyes, she wasn’t happy. “But, just tell me something?”  
“What?”  
“Did you propose just to prove something to Chris?”  
“No of course not, I’m not that emotionally stunted.” Will’s irritation was increasing he paced the length of Deanna’s office, the small space was getting to him. Radiating infuriating calm, Deanna just watched him.  
“Okay then, did you propose to her to prove something to the rest of us?” Will stopped mid-pace, that statement cut a little too close to the bone.  
“maybe a little” he admitted, there was no point lying to Deanna, he collapsed down onto the couch. She sat down next to him and squeezed his shoulder.  
“I know you have problems with the way some aspects of your personality are perceived, but those people don’t know you.”   
“It’s not just that.” Will clenched his hands together, wondering how to explain the mess of emotions he was feeling. “Part of me thinks this is a terrible idea, all those old excuses, not wanting to be tied down because of my career-but” he paused and looked at Deanna. “sometimes I think I let myself pay too high a price. I want something else.”   
“What do you want Will?”   
“I want what other people have” he open his hands wide “I want a family, I want a life what is wrong with that?”  
“Nothing” She smiled and glanced away Will wondered why she was having trouble meeting his eyes., “I just worry.”  
“I know this is sudden, but it’s what I want.”  
“Okay, Will” She hugged him and kissed his forehead. “Thank you for telling me. I hope you get what you want and do like her.”  
“Don’t tell any else please, not yet. Not even Beverly”  
“I promise not even Beverly.” Will smiled and knew he should feel relieved, but something about Deanna’s manner bothered him, though he couldn’t have said just what exactly. ‘Deanna would tell me if there was something else’ he reassured himself as he headed for the bridge, ‘wouldn’t she?’

Will found Chris in one of sickbay’s labs peering through a microscope and muttering to herself. A sketchy schematic of a borg nanoprobe dominated the large screen in front of her. Occasionally she would look up and make an addition. Will averted his eyes from the thing, it resembled a nine legged spider and the sight of it made him itch. He watched Chris work, waiting for her to notice him; she didn’t. Laughing to himself, he crept up behind her. He paused admiring the curve of her back. Then quick as lightening gripped her hips and pulled her against him. “Hi”   
“Fuck Will! You made me jump”  
“That was the first word you said to me, remember?”  
“Yes, thanks for the reminder.” She leaned against him gratefully “I’m so tired” he dropped a butterfly kiss on to the top of her head.  
“I came to drag you home for a bit, you have been in here for 18 hours straight.”  
“And I’m not done yet, waiting on computer analysis.” She snuggled closer. “Did you tell Deanna?”  
“Yeah I spoke to her, she was a little shocked”   
“Not unexpected. There is going to be a lot of that.”  
“I know, you going to be okay with that?”  
“Yeah, I can cope. you’re the one losing your playboy reputation.”  
“It’s not one I want any more.” he kissed her, hard and long, her hands gripped his shoulders. “Now come home and lets go to bed.”  
“Excuse me?” Geordi stood in the doorway with Data next to him. His face was flushed with embarrassment under his visor, even Data looked a little shocked. Will let go of Chris abruptly.  
“Sorry Gentlemen, didn’t see you there.” he smiled lamely. “I was just making sure Lieutenant Garrick gets some rest, is it okay to steal her?”  
“Sure” Geordi stuttered, “Data can handle the rest of the analysis.” Will didn’t answer, Chris beat him to it. She gripped his hand and smiled brightly at Geordi and Data.  
“See you in the morning, sirs.” She dragged him out of there. Will wondered what the gossip mill would make of that, no wonder three different versions would be circulating by the morning. Then he realised he didn’t care. 

They were lying in bed, Chris had shed her uniform and crawled under the covers, Will had followed suit. He sensed how tired she was and did nothing more than gather her in his arms. She was clinging to him like a frightened child. Something was clearly worrying her. “Why were you looking at the borg Nanoprobes tonight, I thought we were concerned with what weapons the Romulans looted?” he asked softly.  
“Data and I have a theory, which we hope is not true.”  
“Do you want to talk about it?” Will’s eyes strayed to the window, the cube wasn’t visible from this angle and for that he was grateful.  
“Not really, but if you tell me I’m wrong that would be good.” she lay her cheek on his chest.  
“Come on tell me.” Will stroked her hair, letting the silky stuff slide through his fingers.   
“Some of the nanoprobes we recovered from the dead borg on the cube were weird.” Her hand clasped his. “looked like someone had been trying to change the way they operated.”  
“What do you mean?”   
“There are lines of new code inserted in certain parts of their programming, specifically the connections to the borg hive are shut down.” Will wasn’t sure what Chris was getting at, but a suspicion was forming.  
“go on”  
“That coupled with the way they ransacked all the weapons systems from the cube, makes me think that rather than adapting Borg technology to their needs, they are adapting themselves to the borg.”  
“Using reconfigured nanoprobes, You think they are turning themselves into borg.” Will suddenly felt cold, like something had sucked all the warmth from his bones. Would the Romulans be so stupid?  
“It’s the quickest way to integrate the technology and they would only need a couple of altered personnel per ship.” Chris curled tightly against him, he felt her shiver.  
“What if the technology adapts?”  
“now you see why I am worried.”  
“We should tell the Captain now.” he started to get up.  
“No” Chris stopped him by the simple expedient of not moving. “Data is running the final analysis on the nanoprobes now. Let the captain sleep.”  
“Chris-”  
“Will did you not see him! he looked awful.” She was right, his Captain had looked haunted. Will lay back down, half a dozen new worries niggling at his brain. Not least among them, how to keep the soft warm presence at his side safe.  
“You’re right, go to sleep” he sensed the moment when she slept, her breathing deepened and her head grew heavy on his shoulder, but Will lay wakeful deep into the night.


	16. where my demons hide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> whats this more smut..just a wee bit before things get serious.

Chris slipped out of bed quietly, Will was still sleeping sprawled on his front, hugging the pillow like a child. She watched his slumber while she pulled on her uniform, wishing she could crawl back in to bed and curl back up next to him. She was seriously regretting agreeing to meet Geordi and Data this early. Her sleep had been full of half formed nebulous dreams that left dread in their wake. She knew what to blame ‘fucking borg bastards’. Will shifted in his sleep and muttered something unintelligible, Chris perched on the edge of the bed and ran her hand across the hard muscles of his shoulders and then stroked his cheek. “hey” she called softly. His eyelids lifted unwillingly and squinting, he peered up at her.  
“Time to get up?” Will asked his voice thick with sleep.  
“Not for you, just didn’t want to go without saying goodbye.”  
“Stay?”  
“I can’t, I’ll see you at the morning briefing” She leaned down intending to drop a single kiss on to his cheek. Will had other ideas. He made a wild grab for her hips and swept her onto the bed. They ended up nose to nose, Will grinning at her, clearly pleased with himself. Chris bit her lip as his hand glided down her leg. “I have to go to work,” she reminded him.  
“You sure?” His tongue danced down her neck, Chris shivered deliciously. Will tugged at the zip of her uniform shirt.  
“You’re a bad man Will Riker,” he smiled at her. His eyes sparking with suppressed laughter.  
“I could stop if you want.” He whispered, Chris gasped and thrust her hips against the fingers pressing through the fabric of her uniform. Grasping his face in her hands she drew him down, mashing her mouth against his.   
“Bastard” She muttered.  
“Shall I stop?” he teased, it was Chris’ turned to smile. She wrapped her fingers round his strengthening erection and gently squeezed. “Oh fuck,”he shuddered against her.  
“Shall I stop?” Chris breathed in his ear, a knot of eager anticipation growing in her belly. Will pawed at her clothes and slipped his hand inside her pants. Chris cried out as a fingertip grazed her clit, then his long fingers pressed up inside. “How about neither of us stop.”  
“Good call” Will huffed into her hair, he was slippery and hard as he thrust against her hands. The sensation sent a wave of warmth through her body, she opened her legs wide. Muscles beginning to jerk, the mind numbing pleasure swamped her senses.  
“Will!”half sob, half groan, breathed out on his naked shoulder. His skin tasting of salt and heat on her tongue. He came over her hands and then rolled off, breathing heavily. Chris propped herself up on one elbow and looked down at him smiling.  
“Better?”   
“Yeah,” he nodded, “Much better.”  
“Okay, now I’m going to work. Though I do now need a shower and a clean uniform.”  
“are you going to be late?”  
“No, I set the alarm for half an hour earlier.”  
“Why?”  
“just in case, I know what you’re like.”She shrugged and kissed him.  
“Wait had you already decided we were having sex this morning?” he asked smiling.  
“Isn’t that why you love me?”  
“One of many, many reasons.”  
“I love you too. Go back to sleep, I’ll see you in a couple of hours”

“Morning boys”, Chris grinned at Geordi and Data as they walked into the conference room, she held up her cup. “I made coffee.” she had deliberately taken a seat that faced away from the windows and the borg cube that hung outside like some bad dream.  
“You’re perky this morning” Geordi sat down with a groan and poured himself a cup. He cast a single nervous glance out the window and hunched over staring into his coffee instead.  
“Well I got some sleep, I’m assuming you didn’t?”  
“Not a wink.”Geordi stretched and yawned.   
“Sorry, but technically I was ordered.”  
“benefits of dating the first officer eh?” Geordi quipped laughing. Chris pulled a face at him. They had become good friends in the last few weeks. Chris had to admit for the first time she actually felt as if she was part of a crew. It was an oddly unsettling feeling for someone who usually held herself apart.  
“He better not try ordering me around when we are married” Chris muttered and sipped her coffee.  
“When your what?” Geordi demanded. Chris froze, she peered up at her friends over the rim of her coffee cup.  
“oops, um” Data just looked confused glancing at each of them in turn.“Oh god, don’t tell Will you know.”  
“Chris as you are well aware, I cannot lie.” Data told her, Chris covered her eyes.  
“I know Data, just don’t tell him I told you.” Data raised an eyebrow at her and nodded.  
“Very well Chris I will not mention it.” Chris swung her attention to Geordi, the chief engineer was grinning widely.  
“So those night shifts I asked you to cover?”  
“are you seriously trying to blackmail me?”She laughed, Geordi shrugged his grin getting wider.  
“Worth a try.”  
“you want me to throw you out of an airlock?” she poured him another coffee, “I could make it look like an accident.”  
“threatening a senior officer is a court martial offence” Data interjected, Chris flapped a hand at him.  
“It’s a joke Data, I’ll explain later” Chris took a breath, “So what did the analysis show?”  
“Nothing we were not expecting, looks like they stripped out a load of weapons tech and more worryingly, there are several regeneration units missing.” Geordi slid a padd over the table and sat back coffee cup in hand. Chris picked it up and scanned the data.  
“It seems that our hypothesis is broadly correct.” Data said with a calmness that Chris envied, “Though how we can use this information escapes me.”  
“Hmm, maybe we can use the weapons signature to track them down, that concentration of tachyons and gamma radiation is pretty unique. It should show up on a long range sensor sweep.” Geordi tapped his fingers on the table and frowned. “Though if they are using a cloaked ship that might be next to impossible.”  
“I do not think the romulans would use a ship, the power requirements of the borg weapons would drain a ships reserves quite quickly.” Data stood up and turned on the computer screen on the wall of the conference room. He pulled up a bunch of power consumption charts.  
“So what are you saying Data? They have a base somewhere?” Geordi sounded sceptical, Chris shifted in her chair so she could see at the data.  
“I think he has something Geordi, might help us narrow our search parameters if nothing else.”  
“yeah, I think you are right.” Geordi sighed, “But what do we do if we find them?”

A couple of hours later, Chris tried to crush her nervousness as the rest of the senior staff filed in. They all looked tired, including Will who flashed her a private smile before taking his seat next to Captain Picard. Chris remained standing with LaForge and Data at the far end of the conference table under the wall monitor.   
“Good morning” Picard growled as he sat down, He fixed his eyes on them and raised an eyebrow.   
“So Mr LaForge, tell us the bad news.” Chris heard Geordi take a deep breath.  
“Okay so this is going to sound a little wild, but Our analysis of that borg cube shows the romulans have removed some of it’s hardware.”  
“Like what?” Crusher asked, to Chris the red haired doctor seemed paler than ever. Chris didn’t miss the concerned glances she threw at their Captain.  
“Well we are not sure, but we do know they also took some regenration chambers and they have been messing with the programming of nanoprobes from this ship.”  
“Messing with them how?” Beverly again.  
“Turning off their link to the collective. We think they are adapting their ships to the borg rather than the other way round.”   
“We think they undertook some of their initial research here before moving to a more secure location” Data explained.  
“Right” LaForge agreed, “We suspect they maybe dliberately infecting people with nanoprobes, in order to use the technology.”  
“Thats insane, the risks must be astronomical” Deanna shook her head in disbelief.   
“They are clearly at the testing stage.” Chris interrupted impatiently, Instantly regretting it when she saw the scowl on Picard’s face.  
“Lieutenant are you saying the destruction of Angel one was a test?” Picard looked appalled.  
“Well, from their point of view better than using one of their own populated planets and they have rid themselves of a strategic liability, two birds one stone sir”  
“So what do you suggest we do about it lieutenant?”  
“Well, we have a plan of sorts” Chris exchanged a worried glance with Geordi, “maybe Commander LaForge should-”  
“Lieutenant I am sure you are able to explain as well as the Commander.” Picard’s voice was sharp with impatience. Chris, nodded uncertainly, she straightened her shoulders hoping to boost her flagging confidence.  
“Um of course sir, well we think the Romulans must have a research station somewhere in this sector, the power required to use the borg armaments could not be sustained for long on board a ship.”  
“We think they are holed up somewhere in the neutral zone with an abundant supply of dilithium or maybe Thorium three.” Geordi explained, “That should narrow our search parameters a bit.”  
“Still looking for a needle in a haystack.” Will pointed out, Chris wondered if anyone else saw the wink he directed at her. She bit her lip to stop herself from smiling, doubting the Captain would be impressed. Geordi nudged her shoulder.  
“Yes Commander, but this particular needle has an unusual thread attached to it.” She turned on the wall mounted computer screen and pointed. “This signal is our thread, it’s a combination of gamma rays, tachyons and ionised atoms which is specific to these hybrid weapons. “  
“And we should be able to detect it on long range sensors,” Geordi took over smoothly,”That along with the high energy needs means we have a pretty good chance of finding out where they are hiding.”  
“And do you have a way of neutralising this threat?”  
“Lieutenant Garrick came up with a plan sir” For a second, Chris could have killed Geordi. She looked at him in askance. They had decided he would present their plan, it was his job after all. Chris wondered if this was his not so subtle way of getting her back for earlier. One look at his bemused face told her it was. She took a breath and stepped forward.   
“I suggest sir, that we programme a simple computer virus, something that causes a feedback loop, the nanoprobes will be destroyed and without them the borg weapons will be useless, we could send in a small team all they would have to do is introduce the virus to the computer core.”  
“How do you know that will work? Borg nanoprobes are infinitely adaptable.” Beverly asked.  
“It wouldn’t work against the borg, they would instantly adapt, but the nanoprobes the Romulans are using have been severed from the collective. They are unable to adapt in the same way. It should work” Chris tried to sound certain, as much for the Captain's benefit as her own. He still looked haunted, she noticed his gaze slipping to the window as she talked.  
“Very good lieutenant, excellent work” Picard started to turn away, Chris took a hesitant stap forward. “Yes lieutenant? You have something further to add?”  
“Yes sir, we need to make sure the romulans cannot restart their research. I suggest we blow that” Chris jabbed her finger at the window “To kingdom come.”  
“I’ll take that under advisement” Picard nodded, a ghostly if grim smile flashed over his features. The rest of the mornings business was dealt with quickly and efficiently, Chris was ridiculously glad when the meeting drew to a close. She hung back letting the senior officers leave first, though the weird almost hostile look Deanna shot her over her shoulder, worried her.   
“Lieutenant a word” Will took her arm and held her back until the doors safely closed on the others. Probably fooling absolutely no one, but himself.   
“You did really well” he told her softly.   
“If it works” Chris rested her head against his chest.  
“Oh course it will work.” He kissed her forehead. “see you later.”


	17. Cause I saw the end before we'd begun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> best friend chat, deanna is not happy.

The multi purpose labs aboard the Enterprise were grey nondescript places that could easily be used for any experiment. Chris had commandeered one for the nano-probes project, it was easier to concentrate away from the bustle of engineering. she was staring at lines of borg code when Hallima tapped her on the shoulder and presented her with a tightly lidded food container. “Here I brought you some lunch.”  
“Thanks I forgot to eat breakfast.”  
“you always do when you are this deep in research, some things don’t change.” Chris sensed a nervousness in her friend.  
“You okay?”  
“Did you do something to upset Deanna?” Hallima direct as ever.  
“Why” Chris asked absent-mindedly scrolling down through intricate lines of borg code.   
“Well” Hallima peered into the microscope on the bench, “I mentioned your name this morning, you know casually and she pulled a face.” Chris turned round frowning.  
“What did you say?”  
“Only that I hadn’t seen you much, that Will seemed to be keeping you ‘busy’”She mimed the quotations marks in the air with a grin.  
“Oh” Chris sighed. “She has been a little off recently.” it occurred to her that perhaps she should have told Hallima about her decision. “I think I know what the problem is, I’m just not sure how to approach it.”  
“You can tell me” Hallima picked up a Petrie dish and shook it. Chris snatched it off her.  
“Do not shake my samples.” She placed it back with the others carefully and feeling like a terrible friend faced Hallima. “Just don’t be mad okay.”  
“Come on Chris, how bad can it be?”  
“Will proposed to me.” Chris admitted.  
“What! When?”  
“Few days ago, when we were out in the shuttle.” Chris couldn’t look her in the eye, she settled for staring at her feet.   
“I take it you said yes. Why didn’t you tell me?” Hallima seemed genuinely hurt, Chris felt even worse.  
“Honestly? I don’t know.”  
“You know, I can tell when you are bullshitting me” Hallima folded her arms and leaned up against the table.  
“I guess I was afraid of your reaction.” Chris sat down and rubbed her face, a stress induced headache was starting to nibble at her brain. “justifiably, you hardly seem ecstatic on my behalf.”  
“Chris, that’s not fair.”  
“Well come on then, tell me it’s too soon or I don’t know him well enough.”Chris snorted she knew she was being passive aggressive, but Hallima was her best friend, ‘would it kill you to be happy for me,’ it was a bitter thought, she kept it to herself.  
“You know those are all good reasons to be sceptical right?” Hallima was giving her a look that Chris recognised as her non-judgemental therapist expression. “Just cause someone melts your brain in bed doesn’t mean they are marriage material.  
“So you think I’m making a mistake?”Chris said carefully trying very hard not to let her growing anger infect her voice. She got up abruptly, “Halli I have work to do, thanks for the ringing endorsement and for lunch.”   
“Chris, come on. I just want to make sure you are making the right decision.” Chris turned away from her friends concerned face and pretended to be engrossed in the data covering her computer screen. Hallima made a frustrated noise, next thing Chris knew she was being forcibly whirled round, Hallima gripped her arms tightly.  
“Who looked after you when Izzy died? Who sat with you for a month because your PTSD was so bad you could not bear to be left alone?” she demanded furiously, Chris baulked she could not remember the last time she had seen her friend so angry.  
“You did.” Shame coloured her cheeks.  
“yes, so I think it’s fair that I make sure that you, my friend, who I love, isn’t making a life changing decision based on a good fuck!”  
“Halli, I’m sorry” Chris meant it. Her friend looked at her for a moment, the anger was already fading from her eyes.  
“I should think so.” Halli let her go, she seemed embarrassed by her reaction. “And I am happy for you and for him.” There was a short uncomfortable silence, Halli broke it. “So I take it Deanna knows your news.”  
“Yeah, Will wanted to tell her first.”  
“You know what went on with those two right?”  
“Probably more accurately than anyone else on this ship.” Chris turned her monitor off with a jab, “First love, cuts deep. That I understand too well.”  
“And have you spoken to her since Will told her.”  
“No, I had to cancel our sessions. I’ve been to busy with this borg mess” she waved a hand vaguely at the Petrie dishes. Hallima visibly paled and stepped away from the table.  
“That’s what’s in those, I shook one.”  
“Don’t worry they are inert and I told you not to touch.” Chris tried not to smile and failed. “I suppose you think I should talk to her?”  
“Yes I do, sooner rather than later.”  
“That is not going to be an easy conversation.” Chris flipped the lid off the food container Hallima had brought her, “jambalaya, thanks.”  
“Nana Niang’s recipe, I finally programmed it into the replicator.”  
“That woman used to scare me shitless, but she could cook.” Chris dug in, it was nearly as good as she remembered.  
“I think she would have a thing or two to say about Will. Chris you picked the most eligible, if complicated person on the ship. It was never going to be easy.”  
“You’re making my love life sound like a Jane Austen novel.”  
“Well then go talk to Deanna about your mutual Darcy, or you end up resenting each other.” Hallima patted her shoulder. “Before one of you turns into Miss Haversham.”  
“That was Dickens not Austen.”  
“Whatever, my point still stands, you going to share that?”

Will wasn’t home when Chris finally left the lab that evening. she let herself in using his security code and groaned at the mess. There was laundry strewn over the floor, her uniform and his from the night before, the bed was unmade and plates were abandoned on the table. It wasn’t like Will to be messy, Chris smiled to herself, he must have over slept. She straightened the bed, then tidied the lounge.   
There were a couple of her books on the coffee table, she made a mental note to take them back to her quarters. Then realised how many of her personal belongings were scattered about. The hand embroidered quilt on the couch was hers, left over from when she had a cold the week before. More books on the bedside table, a favourite robe hanging in the bathroom and next to a picture of Will as a kid, a snap of them together on a holographic beach. Chris picked it up, wandering when Will had added it. The doorbell chimed softly, carefully she put the photograph down. “Come in.”  
“Oh I’m sorry, I was looking for Will.” It was Deanna, she did not look happy to see Chris.   
“Will’s still on the bridge, I think.” Chris hesitated feeling awkward. “Come in, I’m sorry I had to cancel our sessions. This mission is taking precedence over everything else.”  
“Does Will know you are here without him?”Deanna walked over to the window, Chris watched her warily, she didn’t need a degree in psychology to see the counsellor was deeply angry.  
“Well he gave me his security code, so yeah.” Chris made a show of plumping the cushions on the couch, “We practically live together now, so I think he thought it was sensible, I was just tidying up” She explained held up a smeared plate. “I think Will over slept this morning” She stacked the dishes on the replicator and hit the recycle button.   
“He told me he overslept” Deanna smiled, a tight brittle smile. Chris felt her heart sink a little. They were both tip toeing around the real problem, Chris sat down.  
“What’s the problem here Deanna?” sometimes the best thing to do was just cut to the chase.  
“There’s no problem.”   
“Really? I’m not stupid Deanna. I know you and Will have a lot of history, but I also know that you have both had relationships in the past.”  
“What’s your point?”  
“Why does it feel like you are two steps away from stabbing me with Worf’s bat’leth?”  
“Are you implying I’m jealous?” Troi was glaring at her, trying to stare her down, Chris decided not to give her the satisfaction. ‘lets see who blinks first’  
“frankly, yes” Chris crossed her arms, “A few days ago we were friends, or so I thought. Only one things changed.” Deanna looked away, she seemed to deflate a little.  
“Will’s never asked anyone to marry him before.” Deanna’s voice lost it’s bitter edge, she shrugged. “I suppose, I’m having difficulty facing up to that finality.”  
“That’s not my fault”  
“I know, I am sorry. But it is difficult not to resent you.” Deanna shifted in her chair, Chris chewed her lip.  
“You could have married him, he asked you.” As soon as she said it, she realised it was a bad idea, Deanna was instantly on the defensive again.  
“How do you know that”  
“Contrary to popular gossip we don’t spend our whole lives having sex, we do talk.”   
“The circumstances were different, he asked me after he slept with someone else and ruined our relationship.”  
“Yeah he told me, he also told me that you had just dumped him, because your mother told you too.”  
“that’s not-”  
“And he basically drank a bottle of whisky then slept with the first woman who threw herself at him.” Chris could tell from Deanna’s expression that she had not expected her to know that. “Deanna he was what 23?24? and you had just broken his heart, so he did something stupid.” Deanna was glaring again, Chris sighed.  
“Why would you even bring that up?”  
“You didn’t lose him after all that, you are not going to lose him when he marries me. He still needs you. You are his best friend.”  
“It feels like I am losing him.”  
“Well you are not, I promise. Things have just changed a bit.” Chris saw Deanna nod to herself as if agreeing with some internal dialogue. The betazoid stood up abruptly.  
“I should go, tell Will I called round.” then she was gone, without giving Chris time to answer.  
Chris moved to the couch pulling the comforter around herself and reaching for a book. ‘well I talked to her Hallima, but this does not feel finished’


	18. life seldom winds a certain road and love can get you lost.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> right here we go...i suggest for the next few chapters you get some tissues and some ice cream. i wish i could say i'm sorry..but i'm not.

Chris rubbed her eyes and nodded to the Captain as he walked into engineering, She and Geordi had finally found a potential signal coming from an insignificant planet a few light years away.   
“So where are they?” Picard asked without preamble. Despite the hour the captain seemed wide awake, Chris wandered what his secret was, she was bone tired.  
“Here sir” Geordi called up the relevant star map and enlarged a section containing a brown dwarf star with a single greyish brown planetoid. “Alpha hydra 1, an easy 5 light years from Angel One.”  
“And you are sure?” Picard looked at Geordi and then at her, Chris shifted uncomfortably under that sharp gaze. She found herself wondering what the Captain really thought about her and Will, then she wondered if Will had told the Captain they were getting married.  
“Well Lieutenant?” Picard raised an eyebrow at her, Chris realised she had zoned out, ‘i really need some sleep’ she thought, cheeks flushing red.  
“Sorry sir. Sure as we can be, we picked up traces of the hybrid weapons discharge in the upper atmosphere of the planet.”  
“Plus it may be small and have a lethal atmosphere, but it has a lot of dilithium.”  
“Sorry I’m late had to deal with something.” Will joined them at the monitor, Chris tried to catch his eye he sounded angry.   
“Commander La’Forge and Lieutenant Garrick were just showing me where our Romulan friends are hiding.”  
“You found them?”  
“Yes.” Chris pointed to the monitor, worried by his brittle tone she frowned at him. For a second he looked at her and gave the most infinitesimal of nods, ‘later,’ his eyes told her.  
“Problem is with this atmosphere they will be employing some heavy shields, we won’t be able to upload the virus from the enterprise.” Geordi pointed out.  
“Do you have a proposal?” Will was leaning against the main console table, he tapped his fingers impatiently.  
“Yeah. We think if we sent in a shuttle, it could slip past any sensors and then we could transmit the virus from the shuttle.”  
“What about the shields?” Will asked.  
“We could remodulate the shuttles shielding using the algorithms developed for the borg and pass though. As long as the disruption is minimal they would probably put it down to a glitch.” Geordi shrugged.” Chris stepped forward.  
“We will need two small teams, Commander Data will get to the computer core and safeguard the downlink, I’ll monitor the upload from the shuttle.” Chris saw realisation dawn in Will’s face ‘No’ his eyes pleaded. Chris dropped her gaze, she had known he would be unhappy about her part.   
“Where is Data?” Picard asked.  
“In my lab sir, he is double checking the virus code. I was just on my way to bed.” Chris realised she was swaying slightly. She straightened up, rolled her shoulders and pushed down a yawn.  
“When was the last time either of you slept?” The Captain frowned at them. Chris and Geordi looked at each other in mutual puzzlement.  
“About 18 hours ago” Will interjected and stood up.  
“It’s a good plan, there are a lot of variables though” Picard looked thoughtful. “But desperate times-we will discuss it further in the morning. For now get some rest both of you, that’s an order”  
“I’ll walk you home” Will held out a hand, Chris couldn’t help looking at the Captain. Picard just nodded.  
“See that she gets some sleep number one, you too Geordi off to bed with you.” 

“So why were you late” Chris asked him as they wandered hand in hand to the turbolift. He was so pre-occupied he didn’t hear her the first time. “Hey Enterprise to Will Riker!” The tightening of her fingers dragged him back to the present he blinked at her.  
“Pardon?”  
“I said, why were you late, you know to the briefing?”  
“Oh right, yeah. I had a run in with Ensign Callahan.” Will didn’t want to talk about it, he tried to think of a way of changing the subject, but the only other subject he could think about was the horrifyingly risky mission ahead.  
“The security guard? Dark haired half andorian? And?” Chris prompted as they waited for the lift.  
“He made some obnoxious comments about us in ten forward, suffice to say I took some time to set him straight.”  
“Do I want to know what they were?”  
“The general gist was, that you are only sleeping with me to get a promotion.”  
“He is just mad he didn’t think of it first.”Chris said with a smile. They stepped into the lift she wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him messily, Will could not help grinning, his mood lifted a little.  
“He’s not my type.”  
“Let it go Will, he doesn’t matter.”Will let himself drown in her eyes for a moment. She was right, it didn’t matter. 

“Are you coming to bed?” Chris walked out of the bathroom wearing one of his pyjama tops, Will decided it looked a million times better on her. He liked the way the curve of her buttocks peeked cheekily out at him.  
“Not yet” He sighed reluctantly, “I have a few things to do.”   
“Stay with me then until I go to sleep?”  
“I suppose I can spare a few minutes” He curled up beside her.  
“Love you” she muttered already sounding drowsy.  
“Love you.” he whispered back, watching her eyelids droop.  
Will watched Chris for a while after she fell asleep, “I’m worried’ he could admit that in the privacy of his head. He smoothed her hair back from her face and tucked the sheet over her shoulders. As his hand brushed her cheek, she sighed in her sleep. There was a sudden lump in his throat making it hard to breath. This wasn’t worry, it was fear. Fear that all this could go away, in a single instant and banish him back to his old life. Back to being Will-the-thrill, back to watching other people live their lives while and wondering if he had missed his chance-again. Carefully so as not to wake Chris, he slipped out of bed. ‘ I have to talk to the Captain’ he decided.   
The computer informed him the Captain was in his quarters, Will had a moments indecision. He nearly went to talk to Deanna instead, but something told him that would not be a good idea. When Will walked into his quarters Picard was reading a book. Like Will, he was still in uniform.  
“Will i didn’t think I would see you this evening, shouldn’t you be asleep.”  
“I could say the same to you sir.”  
“Indeed, what can I do for you Number One?”  
“Can I talk to you about something Jean-Luc?”  
“Jean-Luc?” the Captain raised an eyebrow inquiringly “I take it this is not about ships business. Sit down Will.” Picard pointed at the couch and sat down himself in an armchair opposite Will, he picked up his tea and took a sip. Will suddenly felt foolish, what was he doing bringing this up to the captain?   
“I’m sorry sir, I shouldn’t have come” he started to get up.  
“sit down and spit it out Will” Picard said softly, but the tone brooked no argument. Will sank back down, he took a minute to compose himself then looked at his Captain.  
“It’s about Lieutenant Garrick and myself.”  
“Ah, I see” Picard put down his cup smiling slightly. “I hope you are not here for relationship advice. I haven’t had the best luck.”  
“I asked her to marry me.” Will couldn’t help smiling to himself as he said it. Picard blinked in surprise.  
“I assume she said yes.”  
“yeah,”Will licked suddenly dry lips.  
“Congratulations Number One” Jean-Luc smiled broadly, but it changed to a frown when Will did not respond. “I sense there is more to this than telling me about your engagement.”   
“I love her, I want to marry her, but I am worried sir. What if something happens too her? What if I give an order that gets her killed?” He blurted out, “I don’t know what it would do to me if she were hurt because of me.” Will heard Jean-Luc sigh.  
“In my limited experience, it is hard to maintain a romantic relationship with a member of the crew, but that’s my experience Will, yours may well be different.” Will remembered voicing his doubts when the captain had a brief affair with lieutenant commander Daren, now serving on a different ship. In retrospect Will felt bad about his reaction, after all he was now presenting his captain with the same situation.  
“What do you think I should do?” Picard didn’t answer immediately, he appeared to be thinking hard.  
“Will if you marry this woman she will be in danger everyday of her life as long as you are a starfleet officer and since she is also a starfleet officer, I expect she knows this already. and despite knowing the risks, she still said yes.” Picard paused, he clapped Will on the shoulder. “you are a bloody idiot if you let her go.”   
“Sir I-” Picard held up a hand silencing him.  
“But if as I suspect, you have come here to ask me to pull her from the Alpha hydra mission, I won’t do that. We need her expertise.” Picard didn’t give him chance to respond. “I have faith in you Number One, I suggest you have some in yourself and in lieutenant Garrick”

Chris strode into their quarters ready for a fight and found Will asleep. Not on the couch like a normal person, but leaning back in his desk chair, arms folded and long legs stretched out in front of him. It wasn’t the first time she had found him like this. Sometimes after a long spell on the bridge he would come home and seemingly pass out half way through his paperwork. Usually she would wake him and gently point out that to avoid neck sprain the bed was a better option. Today was not one of those days. Instead she swung her leg over his prostrate form and landed in his lap heavily.  
“What the fuck” Will’s eyes flew open.  
“Hi”   
“Hi?” he said carefully, still blinking at her, Chris folded her arms and glared at him. “I take it this isn’t some kind of foreplay”  
“What did you do?” Chris leaned forward and stared into his eyes, she wondered if he had any idea how angry she was.  
“You may have to be more specific.”  
“Will, don’t piss around. The captain called me to his ready room this afternoon.”   
“You spoke to the captain?” She heard the guilt in his voice.  
“Yes Will, I spoke to the Captain.” She stood up.  
“Oh”   
“Why the hell would you do that to me? ”  
“What if something happens to you? What if you get hurt?” he stood up and took her by the shoulders, she pushed him away. She walked over to the replicator and turned it on with a savage jab  
“Coffee, black. Me? What about you?” she shook her head. “Will I’m a starfleet officer, same as you. You can’t expect me to sit on the sidelines for the rest of my career and you can’t wrap me up in cotton wool either.” she didn’t really want the coffee, but she had to go back to the lab and her eyes were already heavy.  
“I know, I just think this mission is too dangerous.” he looked at her pleadingly, a suspicion dawned on Chris.   
“Is this about what happened on Angel One ?”  
“No of course not”  
“Really because it feels like you doubt my competency.”   
“It’s just there is so much that can go wrong.” Will spread his hands helplessly.  
“Ironic, considering my job is to keep things from going wrong”  
“Data can-”  
“Data needs to be on the ground with you and you damn well know that. I need him to co-ordinate the upload and help me watch for problems.” Will looked at her a second then turned away shaking his head. He walked to the window and stared out. Chris watched him in silence, she could hear Will’s breath hitching in his chest. A great shiver seemed to shake his frame and he leaned against the window. “Will?” she called softly. He didn’t move, she approached carefully. Will was sobbing, or rather he was not sobbing. She recognised the look on his face, she had it herself more than once. He was refusing to cry, pushing it down so hard his body was rigid with the effort of holding himself together.“hey it’s okay, baby it’s okay” she rubbed his shoulder, the muscles trembled under her fingers. “Will, please look at me. What is this.” she saw his jaw muscles tighten, he turned his back and walked, no ran away. Chris followed him, he went to the couch and sat down heavily.   
“I can’t lose you.” A simple statement uttered with complete conviction. He rubbed his eyes, Chris got the feeling Will was breaking apart in front of her. She sat down and pulled his hands away from his face.  
“You don’t have to hide anything from me remember.” So many unshed tears in his eyes, he tried to brush them away, but Chris held his hands tightly.  
“Tell me you won’t go on this mission” he was begging. Chris shook her head.  
“Will, I won’t do that. I love you, but you need me on this mission. I can’t just not go and you should not ask that of me.”  
“I know, - I just”  
“you are not going without me” She took the point of his chin in her hand. “We protect each other”  
“Chris-” she silenced him with a painfully gentle kiss.  
“Hush” she hugged him, stroked his hair. “You don’t have to be brave with me” she reminded him.  
“Habit of a lifetime is hard to break” he muttered into her shoulder. Chris stroked his back and said nothing about the warm tears she felt on her neck.


	19. I'd come for you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> everything is fine..honest..okay maybe not..

Chris was in her lab when Hallima swept in clearly angry “Are you seriously doing this?” her friend demanded, “going on this mission?”  
“Yes” Chris said wearily.  
“With Will?” Hallima put her hands on her hips, Chris recognised the precursor to an incoming storm.  
“Yes I am.” she turned away and started packing up the petrie dishes full of dead nano probes.  
“So you are going on a really dangerous mission with the man you want to marry? and you think you are going to be fine?”  
“Yes Hallima that is exactly what I think.”  
“what about him, will he be fine too?  
“Yes” Chris repeated testily “Will is going to be fine.” she shoved the last of the petrie dishes into the box. “I’m not letting him go down there alone.”  
“Chris he won’t be alone-” She stopped talking abruptly, Chris turned round, Will was stood in the doorway.  
“Is there a problem?” he asked his eyes darting between them.   
“No” Chris lied and glared at Hallima. “Are we ready to go?”  
“Yeah, I thought we could walk down to the shuttlebay together.” He took her hand, Chris could see the worry in his eyes. She squeezed his fingers.  
“Lets get going.”  
“Chris, Will wait.” Hallima rounded the table, “just be careful, please.”  
“I promise I’ll bring her back in one piece.”  
They walked down the corridor in silence, Chris found herself glancing at Will. He was clearly agitated, his grip on her hand tightened. She could see the muscles of his jaw clenching, “okay all stop.” she pulled up abruptly. Will turned to face her, his shoulders slumped slightly. “It’s going to be fine.”She told him.  
“I know I just-” he seemed to run out of words, for a second he just looked at her helplessly then kissed her. Right there in the corridor in front of several crew members who happened to be walking past. Chris could have sworn she heard some one giggle. Automatically her hands clasped his hips, pulled him close.   
“You know how much I love you, tell me you know” he whispered as their lips parted.  
“Will, I know.” Chris touched his cheek, he leaned into her palm and smiled.  
“Then lets go.” he took her hand and sighed.“You know Callahan has been assigned to the landing party.”  
“Well that’ll make things interesting.” 

So far so good, they had found the planet and slipped under the inadequate sensor grid, Evidentially the Romulans thought them selves untraceable. They landed on the lip of a crater the shuttle running on minimal power to avoid detection .  
“Be careful, Mr Hero” Chris whispered as she handed Will a phaser rifle, “Remember get in get out, don’t die.”  
“I promise I won’t die”, he wiggled his eyebrows at her and smiled, “See you in a minute,” then the briefest touch of his hand against hers, before he turned to his squad, “lets go”.  
That left Chris in the shuttle with Callahan and a female vulcan officer, T’cal, to down load the virus from the computer, once she had access to the Romulan core.  
The time for Will to check in had passed, with no contact from the away team. Chris was starting to feel the beginning of faint panic. A burst of static over comms channel made her jump, she thought she heard Wills voice shouting something.  
“Will?” Chris breathed and worked at the communications console with increasing desperation. “Commander Riker, the is shuttle craft April, come in!” She exchanged a worried glance with Callahan and T’cal. The vulcan glanced down at her sensor readings.  
“I’m still not detecting them on sensors, the bases shielding is still causing interference.”  
“Shit,” Chris spat. “Away team this is April, come in please.” Another burst of static was her answer, a cold sweat broke on her back, memories surfaced dragging sick panic with them. Her fingers danced over the console, scanning, praying.  
“This is Riker, they have us pinned down in the north-east section. We cannot get to the computer core.”Chris flinched she could hear the desperation in Will’s voice, phaser fire crackled behind his words.  
“What are your orders sir?” she asked, part of her already anticipating his words.   
“Get the hell out, come back with reinforcements. We’ll be okay.” Chris heard the lie in his voice.  
“No!” she slapped the console, “I will not leave you down there.”  
“That was an order Lieutenant!” Riker shouted, screams accompanied his voice.  
“You heard the Commander, lets go and get some help” Callahan made for the pilots chair. Chris drew her phaser, she stood up slowly.  
“We are not leaving them there.” she growled. Callahan raised his hands slowly, T’cal watched her with that impassive vulcan stare.  
“Lieutenant what are you doing, you heard the Commander, he told us to leave.”   
“if we leave them, they will die” She flicked the phaser at them. “Into the aft section both of you.” Neither of her shipmates moved, Chris’ hand was starting to shake. Callahan threw himself at her, Chris backed up and fired, the man slumped to the floor stunned. She swung the weapon round to T’cal who had been using the distraction to inch closer to the comm. “Don’t!”she warned. Chris straightened her shoulders and gripped the phaser more firmly. She had already done enough to lose her commission, the brig beckoned. The comm crackled again;  
“Chris are you away?”   
“Fuck” Chris muttered, she looked at T’cal. “I’d stick you behind a force field, but you won’t stay there.” Chris fired just as realisation hit T’cal, the vulcan dropped to the deck. Chris took a second to check her unconscious crew mates, before slapping the comm unit.  
“Negative, stand by away team.”  
Thanking which ever deity had inspired Will to brush up her rusty pilots skill, she slipped into the pilots chair. She fired up the thrusters and patched the weapons systems through to the right hand display. ‘Don’t panic, get them, get out cause as much damage as possible’ she told herself, pushing away the snide little voice which was already back whispering doom in her ears.   
The shuttle lifted off smoothly Chris flew down into the crater the Romulan base nestled in. It wasn’t much just a shamble of grey buildings. Desperately she scanned for any sign of the away team, she spotted them after a couple of seconds, a burst of phaser fire exploding to the east. She swung the ship around and headed towards it. The bases weapons came online and she had to dodge disruptor fire as she barrelled towards them. Chris spied the bases shield generator, a tall thin spike standing dead centre of the complex. If she brought the shield down the corrosive atmosphere would destroy the base in minutes, not the stealthy mission they had hoped for, but the borg tech would be destroyed. The only thing was could she make it to Will and the away team before they suffocated? She had no choice but to try, dodging the romulan weaponry was getting harder by the minute.   
She lined the shuttle up and bowled over the battle field straight at the spike at the last second she fired the phasers and peeled off. The inertial dampeners took a second to catch up and she was squashed in her seat. She fought to stay conscious as stars exploded in her eyes. The ships systems kicked in and she pulled a deep breath into her lungs. Behind her the spike crashed down and the shield collapsed Chris flew the shuttle in the away teams direction and landed in front of them shielding them from what looked like the onslaught of half assimilated romulan soldiers.   
Will stumbled in with the rest of the team, blood covered his face from a cut on his head. Worf followed dragging an injured security guard by the collar, Data was a step behind carrying another of the party. Chris swallowed she was pretty sure the woman was dead, living people tended to not have huge holes in their chest. Will stopped short when he saw Callahan and T’cal lying unconscious on the deck.  
“Chris what the hell did you do?”  
“I made a command decision. There were objections”, her fingers flew over the controls she hit the thrusters and called over her shoulder “Later Will, help me fly this thing away from this god forsaken rock.”  
Once they were speeding back to the enterprise, Will had no choice but to arrest her. She had disobeyed a direct order in front of the whole squad. He stared at her with sick eyes as he ordered Worf to take her into custody. He just turned away and sat with his back braced against the wall. Blood still oozing down his face.   
“Let me look at him, I’m the field medic remember.” Chris growled from her corner of the runabout. Callahan glared at her.  
“Shut up.”  
“It’s fine Callahan” Will called out from where he was hunched up against the wall. “I’d rather not bleed to death.”  
“But sir-”  
“she saved our lives, Ensign. Now do as you’re ordered, before I sling you in the brig to keep her company.” Callahan scuttled over to Chris.  
“Don’t try anything” He snarled at her, Chris smiled at him sweetly.  
“Callahan, you are an unmitigated dick” She whispered. Callahan punished her for her insult by wrenching the cuffs off her. She made sure to shove him with her shoulder as she got up. There was blood oozing from a four inch gash on Will’s temple, She dropped to her knees next to him. “You better not promote him”  
“I promise, no promotion for Callahan” Will curled his hand round her wrist.  
“Don’t suppose that blow to the head knocked any sense into you.”  
“seriously Chris?”  
“You’re alive, that’s the main thing.” She picked up a regenerator.  
“You shouldn’t have done this.” Will told her as she cleaned the cut on his forehead, he winced.  
“I know, but I got the job done. Their dead, we are alive and the romulans don’t have access to borg tech anymore.”  
“Chris, this was supposed to be stealth mission! You disobeyed my direct order, made a huge diplomatic mess.” Will took a deep breath. “Star fleet will be looking for someone to blame, they will bury you.” Will had taken her by the shoulders uncaring of the crowded quarters or who was listening, he looked scared. Chris touched his face, fingers running along his jaw. She took a moment to touch her lips to his, there was a finality to it.  
“I wasn’t going to let you die.”  
“Chris, I’m not worth this, I’m not worth your career.”  
“I’ve never given a crap about my career you know that, I’d rather you were alive.” She washed the dried blood from his face.  
“I don’t know if I can protect you from this.” He sighed, Chris gently pried his hand from her wrist.  
“I better let Callahan cuff me again.”  
“Take a look at Ensign Demos as well will you” he nodded to the other injured crew man. Chris nodded.   
“You sit still, I’m not totally convinced you don’t have a concussion.” she was aware of Callahan hovering over her as she treated the phaser burn on Demos’ shoulder. The young man stared up at her with pain filled eyes, she smiled at him.  
“You a re going to be okay, I’ll give you something for the pain.”  
“Thankyou for coming to get us” he muttered. Chris nodded and gave the kid a painkiller that gently knocked him out.  
“They are going to bury you for this” Callahan spat as he re-cuffed her.  
“I’d rather that than be a coward like you, you would have left them there to die.” Callahan had the decency to look contrite, for about half a second. He shoved her into the corner with a snarl. Chris glowered at him. He took a step forward, the movement must have caught Will’s eye because he jumped to his feet and inserted himself between Chris and the security officer.  
“Try it” Wills voice was full of loathing menace. The various conversations around them stuttered to a halt all eyes turned to the tableau. Callahan backed off hands in the air.  
“Sorry sir” he said with a supercilious grin, his tone bordered on insubordination. Chris saw Wills fist clench, he was one step away from decking the Ensign. She touched Wills shoulder.  
“I’m okay Commander.” he looked over his shoulder at her swiftly,’i’m fine’ she mouthed at him. He nodded and looked round at the gawping faces.  
“What the hell are you all looking at” Conversation returned quickly, no one it seemed wanted to be in Riker’s line of fire. Chris sat back down and Will went over to Data. They had a brief whispered conversation and Data got up and joined her.  
“The Commander has asked me to sit with you, as he cannot appropriately do so.”  
“You don’t have to Data.”  
“We are still friends are we not?”  
“Yes Data, we are.”  
“Commander Riker is also my friend, he asked me to make sure you are not alone.” Data glanced meaningfully at Callahan.  
“Thanks Data.” 

She knew Will was there, staring at her through the brigs force field. “Hi” Chris said without looking up.  
“Hi,” a soft response, how could a single word convey so much emotion? She couldn’t look at him knowing if she did the pressure building in her chest would explode.  
“Is everybody alright?” To avoid his pleading gaze Chris stood up abruptly and crossed her arms, she paced the small space.  
“Yes, thanks to you.”  
“Good.” She stopped pacing and stared at the back wall of her cell. Gun metal grey, whoever designed this brig wanted it’s guests to know they were persona non grata. ‘That is what I am now, outside the pale.’   
“Though, I may have punched Callahan.”  
“In the face, I hope.” Chris permitted herself a grim smile.  
“Broke his nose.” Despite everything there was a note of savage pride in Will’s voice.  
“Anyone see you do it”  
“Well it was in the middle of Ten-forward, so yeah.”  
“Will that was stupid.” She muttered and shook her head.  
“and you are the only one allowed to do stupid things?” Will growled, his anger sparking. “You going to look at me anytime soon?”  
“Will, don’t okay-”  
“They are going to court martial you, there is nothing the Captain can do.” Chris flinched she heard Will’s fist connect with something; probably the wall, judging by the soft grunt of pain that followed afterwards. “Chris, please look at me.”   
Slowly she raised her head and met his stricken gaze, there was blood on the knuckles of his right hand, testament to how hard he had punched the wall. “Will, what did you expect me to do? Leave you there to die?”  
“I was trying to save your life.”  
“With you dead?, it wouldn’t have been a life I wanted. My choice at the end of the day, not yours.” she took a step closer to the force field. “My actions already caused the death of someone I loved. I couldn’t live through that a second time.”   
“This is a huge mess Chris” He rubbed his forehead, Chris wandered if he was sleeping. “The romulans are denying everything, they are claiming the base was simply a science station.”   
“Well we have evidence to the contrary.”  
“You don’t understand, the romulans don’t care about the evidence, they want a scapegoat.”  
“And starfleet have picked me,” Chris said softly, she sat on the floor of her cell and wrapped her arms around her knees, Will hunkered down and looked at her. Chris pretended not to see the redness rimming Will’s eyelids, he looked emptied out. “What’s going to happen now.”  
“um, we have been ordered to starbase 71 to hand you over to starfleet security, there will be a trial.” There was more Chris could sense his hesitation.  
“Whatever it is you are holding back, just tell me Will, please.”  
“I am required to testify, I can’t legally refuse. I don’t know what to do!” the last words were said in an explosive gasp. There were tears on his cheeks, he dashed them away.  
“You won’t have too” Chris whispered.  
“What do you mean?”  
“I’ll plead guilty, ask for a summary judgement”.  
“You can’t do that, you could end up in a romulan prison.”  
“Then I will ask for assurances with my plea, Will the longer this goes on the more embarrassing it will be for starfleet.”   
“So? Let them be embarrassed, you saved our lives and stopped the romulans.”  
“No, the longer this takes the more chance they start getting nasty. And what’s to stop the romulans using this as a pretext for something worse, like a war.”  
“They wouldn’t-”  
“As you said this is a big mess and they want someone to blame. Let them be content with me.”  
“Don’t do this.” Chris heard the crack in his voice, she wished she could reach through the forcefield and hold him. The thought made her realise there was a good chance she would never be able to touch him again. “We were supposed to have a life.” he breathed.  
“You still can.” Chris stood up, Will jumped to his feet a moment later.  
“Chris-”  
“You should go and you should stay away. For both our sakes.” She turned away and resumed staring at the wall. “Please just go.”  
“Chris-”  
“Get the hell away from me Will, please.” He didn’t leave not until the silence between them had stretched out for minute after painful minute. Chris didn’t let herself break, she stared at the grey wall and tried not to think on the sudden ruin of her life.


	20. like wounded soldiers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...i'm sorry..

The Gliese 411 system had little to recommend it, a single ugly gas giant planet orbiting a feeble red dwarf star, far from well travelled routes. It was nothing but a forgotten dusty backwater. The perfect place for a starfleet prison. The imaginatively named Gliese prison hung above the dirty yellow clouds of Gliese I.   
Chris knew the planets moods well it had dominated her view for the last year, right now a huge storm was building at the planets northern pole, spreading like a bruise turning the jaundiced clouds black, she turned away from the window and climbed into her narrow bunk. The world below’s metrological exploits had provided a distraction when she first was confined, now it had palled into the mundane. However bad the view though, it was still better than being out in the prison population. Which is why she had punched a guard and got herself confined to quarters for a week. Better to be alone than mixing with the dross of starfleet, the bad officers, the criminals, traitors who had sold out their ship for gold pressed latinium or worse sheer spite..There were a some like her that had disobeyed a direct order for the greater good and found out afterwards that the law really did not discriminate, but they were few and most kept to themselves. Just sad lost souls ghosting along the edges of life, angels banished from heaven.  
Reluctantly she picked up the prison issue padd . She had mail, she flicked through it quickly. Letter from her mother, she couldn’t face that right now. Another one from Data, her friend wrote to her every month. Chris smiled to herself as she read it. Datas letters could be eclectic, detailing everything from a new warp field theory he was working on to the antics of his cat, this particular missive came complete with pictures of Spot’s kittens. She closed the letter shaking her head, there was one more unread message. Chris stared at it. It had arrived two days earlier and as usual she had avoided reading it, the notification blinked at her accusingly. Chris hunched on her bunk and summoned the courage to open it.  
‘Deanna is with Worf, can’t say I’m dealing with it too well’  
“Understatement I think Will” she whispered to him in her head.  
‘i didn’t expect it too hurt this much, Worf is my friend. I get why Deanna was so pissed at you when we were together.’  
“Took you over a year to figure that out?”  
‘I wish I could talk to you, why don’t you ever write back?’  
“you know the answer to that.”  
‘you told me to forget you, I have tried, I even started dating someone. But she isn’t you, it was empty, I ended it. I’m sorry’ Chris wondered who Will had tried to bury his hurt in and why she wasn’t angry about it. The pain he had penned those words with bled off the page, making her eyes blur.   
“Christ, Will don’t do that, don’t apologise for living.”  
‘I still miss you, I could really use a friend right now.’   
“Fuck” she drew her knees up to her chest, the words on the padd blurred in front of her eyes.  
‘I love you’ there was an attachment Chris opened it.  
“Fuck” the two of them on the beach, the picture from Will’s quarters.  
‘I wish I could bring you home.’ Chris wiped her tears and stared at the locked door of her cell.  
“I wish you could too.”   
‘just let me know you are okay, please.’ Her finger hovered over the reply button for a moment, the temptation was strong. She forced her self to think about the consequences, it wasn’t likely she was ever going to get out of here and giving Will false hope seemed cruel. She archived the letter, it joined the long list of similar unanswered letters in her personal storage. Eventually he would forget her, instead she typed a quick reply to Data with the post note. ‘tell Deanna to keep an eye on Will, I don’t think he is doing well’, she sent it then lay down to watch the storm as it turned the face of the globe black.

Two long years later and the federation was at war, the whole prison had been gathered in the mess hall to watch the announcement of hostilities by a pale and scared looking starfleet admiral. The Dominion had taken over Cardassia and surged out of the gamma quadrant with terrifying force and though it was not directly stated Chris knew instinctively they were losing, and badly if the admiral's shaken demeanour was anything to go by.   
That had been three months ago, there was very little news to be had. Just whispers in the corridors and fragments gleaned from the more talkative guards. Chris was starting to seriously worry, she had not heard anything from Will or Data for weeks. She had one brief letter from Hallima, somewhere on the front line and then silence. She wasn’t alone everyone was walking around in a dazed frozen state, even the more brash and vocal among the in mates were subdued into silence by the creeping horror of confinement, while their nearest and dearest died on the front lines.  
Chris jolted awake, she sat up breathing hard feeling disorientated by the familiar yet impossible surroundings. Wills quarters on the Enterprise. She let her eyes stray to the other side of the bed, there he was, fast asleep, face outlined in the starlight. She touched his warm shoulder and for a moment she almost believed she was home. Maybe the prison was the dream? Will turned over and opened his eyes. “Hi”  
“I miss you” she whispered.  
“I’m not going anywhere.” she woke up just as his arms closed round her. Woke up with tears on her face and a tight sob crawling up her throat. She swung her legs over the bed and sat there, rubbing the tell tale tears from her face and trying to quiet her ragged breathing. A knock at the cell door, dragged her away from ruminating on the cruel trick played on her by her own subconscious. The guards didn’t knock, privacy was non-existent here.   
“Come in”  
“Captain?” she shook her head, wondering if she was still asleep, or if she was finally losing her grip on reality.  
“Hello Christine” Picard, no one else pronounced her name with that gallic lift. Chris hugged him, she didn’t mean to, but it had been months since Data’s last visit and weeks of no news. She hugged her former commanding officer out of sheer relief. Picard patted her back gently, she let go feeling like a fool.  
“Sorry sir. I guess I’m just glad you are alive.”  
“It’s quite alright lieutenant. These are trying times”  
“Sir has something happened” She bit her lip to stop the tears from escaping again, “Is that why you are here to tell me-”  
“What ever do you think has happened?”  
“Is Will okay? his last letter was a while ago and I haven’t heard from Data either. We don’t get casualty lists in here unless its a family member-” Her voice trailed off.  
“He is fine Christine. We are all fine. But you could tell him yourself. He still worries about you.”   
“No, best let him forget me.”  
“I don’t think that’s going to happen” Picard’s voice was gentle, Chris shook her head.  
“We both know who has the prior claim, he was never totally mine. Someone else got there first.” Chris shrugged. Picard gripped her shoulder his face serious.  
“Are you sure?”  
“Not entirely, but I won’t cause him further pain. It’s not like we have a future. Even if I ever get out of here I’m tainted for life.”  
“Christine, if the circumstances had been different you may well have received a medal of valour and a promotion”  
“Instead of a dis-honourable discharge and a prison sentence.” Chris sat down on her bunk. “Wouldn’t that have been nice. Why are you here sir?” To her surprise Picard sat down beside her, he didn’t speak for a moment.  
“I have come here with a proposal, you may not realise but the war is going very badly.” simple words but Chris heard the horror behind them. Impulsively she took her former Captains hand.  
“I guessed as much.”  
“We need everyone, I have persuaded starfleet intelligence that they should investigate the possibility of rehabilitating certain officers who may be overlooked normally.” Picard spoke very precisely his eyes never left her face.  
“You mean me?”  
“Amongst others. You will be assigned to section 31.”  
“Black ops?”  
“Yes, it will be dangerous.” he let go of her hand and stood up, pulling his uniform straight as he did so. “But it will be better than this.”  
“What are the terms?”  
“Your record will be expunged after the war is won, if we win.” Picard sighed, “section 31 is not starfleet, but it is a chance to help us win this war.”  
“Why are you doing this for me?” Chris asked puzzled,   
“Another fair question.” His eyes strayed to the picture oh will and herself that she had set as her lock screen on the padd.  
“Because it is partially my fault you are here. perhaps I should have acquiesced to Will’s request and pulled you from that mission.”  
“Then Will would be dead, you know that sir.”  
“Maybe, maybe not. Even so, it upsets me that this is where you ended up. You saved lives, starfleet should not have punished you for that.”  
“It’s not so bad, sometimes the ion storms in the planets atmosphere are pretty” She gestured at the window.  
“So do you accept lieutenant? You will regain your rank.” Chris stared at him, wondering how many strings he had pulled and favours he had called in to do this for her.  
“Yes sir, thank you.”  
“Very good the Georgiou will be here to pick you up in 48 hours, goodbye lieuetenant” he rose to go.  
“Sir, wait” she touched his sleeve. “Don’t tell Will you were here, don’t tell him about this. I don’t want him worrying.”  
“I think that is a bad idea. Be that as it may, it is your decision. I wish you the best of luck and I expect you to stay in touch.”  
“Aye sir” she promised. She watched him leave and then went to the window. As if on cue the planet below crackled with lightening and the storms whirled a little faster. ‘i won’t miss the view’ she realised she was saying goodbye to more than just the prison and the hellish planet below it; ‘Goodbye Will’


	21. just somebody that i used to know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> okay this is part two takes place after the dominiom/cardassian war and at the same time as the events of nemesis. and Chris crashes a wedding.

Captain Christine Garrick hummed softly to herself, as she watched the Orion smuggler ship pick its way carefully out of the close packed planetary debris field. “That’s them Captain, same warp signature as the ship we tracked at Carnoss eight.” her tactical officer informed her.  
“thank you Mr Welbeck, do they have the cargo?”  
“Aye ma’am, reading 12 tons of Nitrilm.”  
“Dangerous stuff, unstable” Chris said softly, she flicked her wrist at her Welbeck, “Drop cloak, fire at will.” The small Orion ship exploded, the shock-wave barely vibrated their hull. Quick, easy and efficient, no hail, no challenge and no survivors. Chris smiled grimly, “re-establish cloak.”   
Chris sometimes wandered what it must be like watching her elegant ship suddenly appear, terrifying probably. The Georgiou was half the size of the standard intrepid class star ship used by starfleet, her shadowy armoured hull bore no registration, not even her name. Their targets never knew what hit them, which was exactly the point.  
“Course Captain?”The Andorian helm officer, a female called Nadira prompted sounding somewhat irritated. Chris ignored the lapse in protocol, she was used to it and the young lieutenant was otherwise a good officer. It was after all the reason they were all here on this shadow ship, skulking at the borders of federation space, they didn’t fit in anywhere else. Chris glanced down at her communicator, glossy black on silver and for a moment she missed the brightness of gold.  
“Set course for Sol system, section 31 headquarters Lieutenant.” Chris stood up and surveyed the sparse bridge, her crew looked at her expectantly. She favoured them with a small smile. “I convinced command to grant us a few days shore leave.” That got her a ragged cheer of sorts, it had been months since their last leave.  
“Got any shore leave plans Captain?” Welbeck asked as she passed his station on route to her ready room. Chris paused by the blonde haired officer, ignoring the flirtatious smile he directed at her. It wasn’t just that he was ten years younger and her junior officer, there was something slippery in his manner she didn’t trust.  
“I’m going to a wedding Lieutenant.”

The Alaskan sky was painfully blue, a child’s idea of a sky. A huge azure dome bounded by snow capped mountains and the sea. The town of Valdez clung to the skirts of the mountains as if fearful of being washed into the waves. Chris shivered, allegedly it was the height of summer, but to her tropical raised bones it felt like late autumn. Though that said, she was always cold on earth, at the academy she had been known to wear thermal underware even in the spring. She could see the marquee erected for the wedding. A domed structure nestled on the shore of a lake, surrounded by pines and the ever present backdrop of mountains. Chris paused on a ridge, she could hear the music and laughter from here. She half seriously thought about walking back to the transporter terminal and going to Bermuda instead or anywhere really. Anywhere but here, what was she thinking even coming? It was like ripping open an old wound just to let it bleed. Hesitatingly, she put one foot in front of the other, berating herself for the promise she had made at every step.   
Hovering at the edge of the crowd, She heard Picard toast the happy couple. She wasn’t ready to look at them yet. She had timed her arrival deliberately to miss the ceremony itself. That would have been a little too much self flagellation. A couple of guests nodded to her, one frowned. Chris wondered whether they recognised her, or just wondering who this person skulking at the back was.  
Data was singing, blue skies she recognised the song. Chris watched and in-spite of everything, she smiled. Then her breath caught in her throat. There they were, Will and Deanna. Seeing them together was like being punched, she thought she was over it, she thought she had patched her heart up and moved on. Now she realised that was so much horse shit. ‘I should leave this was a bad idea.’ it was too late, Data had spotted her from his vantage point on the stage. He finished his song, handed the microphone back and headed towards her.  
“I am surprised to see you accepted my invitation Chris.” Data handed her a glass of champagne.  
“Not as surprised as I am.” She shrugged.   
“It is good to see you” Data said with one of his awkward smiles, Chris smiled back. Data had told her about his emotion chip in one of his letters, it was still difficult to comprehend. He looked the same as he always had, but there was something subtly different about him. A sadness that hadn’t been there before.   
“It’s good to see you too Data.” Impulsively she took his arm. “Shall we sit?” Data nodded and guided her to a table near the back, where mercifully she could no longer see the happy couple whirling around the dance floor. “It’s a bit strange being with you all again.” she scanned the crowd, picking out Worf, Geordi and Beverly.  
“I’m sorry. I should have realised this might be painful for you”  
“It’s fine Data, it’s been 10 years. I should be over him.”  
“And are you not over him?”  
“I think it’s more a case of I’m having trouble letting go of what could have been.” She muttered ruefully. The initial shock was wearing off, they were clearly happy. Why resent that? She had her own life after all. The logical thought should of helped, but she wasn’t feeling particularly logical at that moment.  
“I see, perhaps I should not have invited you as my date.”  
“It’s fine Data, though I do feel a little like the weird cousin no-one talks about.”  
“Interesting analogy, though we do talk about you. Geordi and I at least.”  
“Nice to know somebody hasn’t forgotten me.”  
“I didn’t forget you.” She hadn’t seen him approach and for a moment she just looked at him. Will looked older, crows feet starting to crinkle the corners of his eyes and there was a touch of grey at his temples; even so her heart still skipped a beat, an echo of the old attraction.  
“Hi” she said softly, wishing she was elsewhere with every fibre of her being.  
“Hi”  
“Will, it’s been a while-” He engulfed her in a hug, she stood immobile remembering with some derision how safe he used to make her younger self feel. He released her shaking his head and smiling broadly.  
“I can’t believe you are here, why are you here?”   
“Data needed a plus one.” She threw a glance at her friend, “Can you give us a minute Data?”  
“Of course, I shall go and get more champagne.”  
“I think he was hoping I’d talk to you.” Chris said softly “He never understood why I asked him to lie to you”  
“He wasn’t the only one.” There was no anger in that statement, but it still stung. “I looked for you when the war ended, I didn’t find you. That’s when Data told me you got out.”   
“It was wrong of me to do that to him and to you. I’m sorry Will.”  
Chris saw his gaze stray to where Deanna was talking to Beverly. “It all seems so long ago now, did you even get my letters?.”   
“yeah, I got them”  
“Did you read them?”   
“I did, it kept me sane, knowing you were alright” she admitted.  
“I wish-”  
“Don’t, if wishes were horses, then beggers would ride.”  
“How long were you in there?”  
“Nearly three years, until the war broke out.”  
“I should have checked on you, I should have come to see you.” He took her hands and squeezed them, Chris took a shuddering breath and looked up into those damned blue eyes.  
“It’s better that you didn’t.”  
“For a long time after,” he gestured vaguely “I was so angry with myself, I always thought I should have fought harder for us.” The guilt in his eyes was real, the ghost of old pain. Chris had to look away. She knew she had hurt him, but coming face to face with it after all these years was too much. Her soul wept.  
“Will, you did everything you could, I know I was there. Some things are just not meant to be.” she forced a smile.   
“Maybe you’re right, but I would have married you.”  
“And I you.”They stared at each other for a fraction longer than was appropriate for old friends, Chris looked away first. Will coughed to cover up his embarrassment.  
“So I have to ask, are you back in starfleet?” He changed the subject to a safer one, Chris was grateful there were too many things left unsaid between them. Things which were better left buried.  
“Oh, yeah. Actually I’ve been back for a while, The Captain got me a black ops posting, we were at war starfleet needed everyone. Even me.” she shrugged. “When the war ended section 31 asked me to stay on. I made captain four years ago.”  
“Captain.” He said slowly, clearly her answer was not what he had been expecting.  
“Yes Captain” She tapped the four bright studs on her collar meaningfully. “I’m not wearing these for fun Will.”  
“Congratulations. Section 31 one though?” it wasn’t exactly censure, more disbelief. Chris wasn’t surprised the attitude of fleet officers to starfleet intelligence was generally one of distasteful apathy.   
“Somebody has to do the dirty work and I have a fine ship.”  
“I don’t suppose you can tell me more than that.”  
“Technically I shouldn’t have told you anything.”  
“Are you happy, Chris?”  
“Yes Will I am happy, what about you?” The question brought a wide smile of heart wrenching joy to Will’s face, he looked over to his bride who was dancing with the captain.  
“Yes, I’m happy.”  
“Good” Chris stood on tip toe and kissed his cheek. “Now go dance with your wife.” she straightened his collar and lightly pushed him away.  
“Will you come and say hello?”  
“In a while, I should find Data and speak to Geordi.” it was a lie, she could tell Will saw through it.  
“Don’t run away without saying goodbye, promise me.”  
“I promise.” he nodded satisfied and walked away, Chris waited until he reclaimed Deanna from the captain. Then headed for the exit determined to make her escape. Her way was blocked by Data holding two champagne flutes and Geordi looking annoyed.  
“Going somewhere Captain Garrick?” Data handed her a glass, she glowered at him and drank it in one gulp.  
“Hello boys”  
“Where the hell have you been,” Geordi dropped the frown and grinned widely. His hug was unexpected, for a minute she remembered what it was to feel like she belonged.  
“It’s a long story, I missed you both” it was going to be a long afternoon.


	22. a mirror, darkly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aftermath of nemesis, an unexpected visitor..i'll be honest this dark

“What’s happened now?” was the first thing Hallima asked when she answered Chris’ call.  
“Come on Halli, can’t I just call my oldest friend just to catch up?”  
“You could, but you don’t.” Hallima pouted at her.  
“I’m sorry you are right, I’m a terrible friend.”  
“just so long as you know that. Come on Chris what happened? Hurry up I have jambalaya on the stove,” Chris couldn’t help smiling at that, Doctor Hallima Niang, actually cooking. Hallima had quit starfleet as soon as the peace treaty was signed, she and her wife were running a farm in Nigeria and raising a gaggle of adopted kids. Chris had spent the odd leave there cocooned in warm domesticity, watching her friend’s life revolve round the delicate logistics of raising four orphaned kids from three different species. The kids calling her Aunty and begging for the war stories their parents wouldn’t tell them, borrowing a bit of the life she couldn’t have.  
“I miss you”  
“I miss you too baby girl, so what happened?”  
“I went to Will and Deanna’s wedding,” Chris said slowly. Hallima didn’t say anything for a second.  
“Why would you do that to yourself? Were you born stupid?” Hallima was glaring at her, Chris pulled a face.  
“Halli, it wasn’t like-”  
“All these years you could have contacted him and you choose his wedding day?”  
“I know it was stupid, but Data asked me to go and I guess I wanted to see him.” Chris pinched the bridge of her nose and groaned.  
“I take it you saw him?” Hallima’s voice softened, Chris nodded.  
“Yeah I saw him, I talked to him.”  
“How did he seem?”  
“Honestly? He was happy, really really happy.” Chris begrudged the words, “and all I could think was, what a total idiot I was. He was mine and I gave him up.”   
“Chrissy, you did what you thought was best.”  
“I don’t know why I am upset, I made this choice for us. I knew what the consequences were going to be. But now I wish I hadn’t told him to stay away, I wish I’d answered his letters.” her voice broke, she wiped a tear from her eye. She waved a dismissive hand at Hallima, “I’m sorry, I don’t even know why I called you. It was a stupid self destructive thing to do. I should have gone to Bermuda.”  
“You know why you called, so I could tell you what you already know somewhere in that thick head of yours.” Hallima smiled gently, “you can’t change the past, but you can’t let it rule you either. You need to let him go.”  
“I thought I had.” she shook her head sadly, a soft chime indicated the bridge was trying to contact her. “I got to go, duty calls.”  
“Still coming for new year?”  
“Wouldn’t miss it” She cut the connection and answered the bridge summons.  
“Garrick here, what is it Welbeck?”  
“another smuggler just breached the sensor net.”  
“I’ll be there momentarily.”

This smuggler put up more of a fight than Chris expected, the small ship turned on its heels and ran the instant the Georgiou decloaked. Chris had to admire the pilot, he dodged their torpedos and even fired back. His shot was precise enough sapping power from their rear shields so he could swoop behind and blow out a shield generator. It was like trying to swat an annoying fly.  
“Mr Welbeck, I’m waiting.” she growled.  
“Aye sir, sorry it’s hard to get a lock the way he is moving.” Chris blew an exasperated breath out over her teeth and stood up. She joined Welbeck at tactical and pushed the younger officer out of the way.  
“Here is something they don’t teach at the academy Welbeck” her hands danced over the controls, she fired all the phasers concentrating them in a horizontal spread. One of the beams clipped the weaving dodging ship sending it spinning out of control. Quickly Chris locked the targetting scanner and sent a torpedo sailing towards the now on fire ship. “it’s easier to use a net to catch a fish.” she explained and returned to her seat.  
“Captain the sensors have picked up an escape pod, should I disable it.”  
“No beam the occupant on board, we need intel. Perhaps our unexpected guest will be useful.” she stood up “Come on Welbeck lets see what the tide washed up.”  
Will but not Will, standing on the transporter pad blinking at her in confusion. His face was thinner, The muscles of his frame wiry rather than bulky. His hair and beard more grey than dark brown and an old knotted scar marred his cheek. He stepped forward hand extended an easy smile on his lips. “Commander William Riker, I’m on an undercover-”  
“No you are not. Thomas” his eyes widened as she said his name. Chris returned his smile and called over her shoulder, “Take him to the brig, I’ll deal with him later.”  
“with respect Captain, how do you know he was lying?” Welbeck asked as they made their way back to the bridge.  
“Commander Riker is an old friend. Besides that guy has been on the cardassians most wanted list for nearly 10 years.”  
“Oh”  
“I read my paperwork Lieutenant, I suggest you do too, if you ever want that promotion.”  
“Yes Ma’am” Welbeck only called her that to annoy her. She bit down on an angry reply, it wasn’t worth it today. Her communicator chirruped again.  
“Nigara here Sir, there is a subspace call for you from the Enterprise.”   
“Who is it? ”  
“Sender says Captain Riker,” Chris fought to control her expression, ‘crap, what do you want Will?’   
“Pipe it through to my ready room.” she turned to Welbeck. “Let our new friend stew for an hour then bring him to me.”  
“ye-” Chris glared at him, daring him to say ‘ma’am’ again.  
“Sir” he finished lamely.

“You know my ships whereabouts are classified above top secret?” she joked when Will appeared on her monitor.   
“Privileges of rank, plus Admiral Janeway owed me a favour.”It was said lightly, brittlely, Chris’ heart sank a little.   
“Friends in high places? Look at you. What can I do for you Captain?” It was a rhetorical question, Chris could tell something was deeply wrong, Will wouldn’t even look at her. He fiddled with a stylus and avoided her gaze. “Will what’s happened?”  
“Data, he uh,” he didn’t have to say anything else, the stylus snapped between his fingers.   
“How?”  
“Saving the Captain. It’s a long story, I don’t really feel like repeating it right now.”  
“What? No, not Data,” it had to be a mistake, she felt sick.   
“I wanted to tell you in person. I know you two were close.”  
“Is everybody else okay?”  
“They are alive, I wouldn’t say they are okay.” He dropped the two halves of the stylus and covered his eyes. Chris realised Will was falling apart, she searched for the right words and failed.“Something bad happened to Deanna, I don’t know what to do Chris!”  
“What happened to Deanna?” She demanded, knowing that if Will was this upset what ever it was must have been bad.  
“I couldn’t protect her” he said helplessly.  
“Oh Will,” Chris tried to think, could she get leave? Could she get there? A new message was gently demanding her attention. She opened and read it with relief.   
“You are at the Bassen rift?”  
“Yeah, warp drive is still offline and the saucer is badly damaged.”  
“That explains the orders I just received. we’ll be there in a few hours.” She said softly, Will didn’t seem to be listening, he was staring off to one side. “Will did you hear me?”  
“Yeah, I’m sorry” he rubbed his face, “The last few days have been difficult.” Chris took a second to really look at him and sighed.  
“Will has Beverly checked you over?”  
“No not yet, so much as happened, I am supposed to be on my honeymoon.” the second part of that sentence was spat out with barely repressed rage.  
“Will, go to sickbay you probably have delayed shock. I’ll see you all soon.” She remembered the problem currently languishing in her brig. “there is something else I need to talk to you about..”  
“I guess you are right.”  
“I’m always right Will, you know that, see you soon.” She cut the connection and sat back in her chair. Data was dead, her friend was gone. She couldn’t believe it, Data was indestructible she had once watched him rip off a drive plate with his bare hands. But he was still gone, she pinched bridge of her nose and forced back the threatened tears. She could grieve later when she was among people who shared the pain, when she was home. The Comm chimed.  
“Captain?” Welbeck’s snide voice, “are you ready for the prisoner?” Chris groaned, today was rapidly turning into the worst day of her entire life.  
“Send him up.”

“Come in” Tom entered the ready room cautiously the guard who shadowed his every move remained outside. He wandered one more time what awaited him, noone had spoken more than two words to him since he had been dragged to the brig and he was starting to think that maybe his luck had finally run out. Inside the room was mostly dark except a single dull lamp on the desk, the woman Tom knew was the Captain was staring out of the window, her body drawn rigidly to attention. She acknowledged his presence with a single nod over her shoulder. Tom found he was unconsciously mirroring her pose, he couldn’t help it. There was a tension and sadness in the woman’s braced formality he didn’t understand.  
“I heard a friend of mine died today” She said softly.  
“I’m sorry Captain.”  
“Commander Data, I presume you knew him”  
“Yes Ma’am, briefly” Tom’s confusion only increased, what had this to do with him? Briefly he wandered if Deanna mourned the android. Finally the Captain turned round, she leaned across her desk and stared him in the eye.   
“I prefer sir” she informed him. Tom found meeting that intense gaze deeply uncomfortable, it was like she was looking for something.  
“What do you want Tom?”  
“You to let me go?”  
“Sorry, no can do. You currently have a grand total of” She consulted a padd on her desk, “twenty nine arrest warrants out for you, from Cardassia to Betazed.” She hitched herself up on her desk and folded her arms. “Some of these have quite large rewards attached too, I could retire.”   
“I’ve been busy.”  
“there is also the matter of your face”  
“My face?”  
“Yes, because it isn’t your face. Oh your hair may be greyer and you have that rather nasty scar” Tom flinched as she traced it with a finger. His pride wouldn’t let him move away though. “but it is still the face of a decorated fleet Captain, a hero to many.”  
“So.” Tom didn’t know what to say.  
“Well what if you decided to- I don’t know” She shrugged, “pretend to be him, it wouldn’t be the first time would it?”   
“You said a hero to many” Tom took a gamble.  
“I beg your pardon?”  
“A hero too many, it implies he isn’t a hero to you.” Tom saw her flinch and rejoiced. “So what is he to you?”  
“An old friend” she growled.  
“Oh no, more than that I can tell. What did he do to you?” Tom allowed himself a smirk, small victory, but he would take it.   
“To be fair to Will, what I did, I did to myself.” it wasn’t the answer, Tom had been expecting.  
Her gaze measured him and then dismissed him. Clearly she found him deficient in some way.  
“Will and Deanna were married last week, did you know?” it was like being punched in the gut, and she knew the news hurt him. He forced a fake smile and shrugged.  
“Good for them, about time.”  
“So you see Tom I can’t let you go, you are too dangerous.”  
“Then shove me out an airlock, get it over with?”  
“I’ll admit, I did think about it” She finally sat down properly, her eyes didn’t leave his face though. Tom was starting to feel weird, a cold sweat drenched his shoulders. He scrubbed his face it felt rubbery.  
“Did you do something too me?”he demanded those eyes were still on him. Watching, measuring and seemingly void of compassion.  
“No Tom you did it to yourself. When your friends ship blew up it released a burst of gamma rays from those explosives you were smuggling. Unfortunately for you, that escape pod had no shields.” Tom tried to understand her words but he couldn’t fathom the meaning. Head spinning he slouched to one side, trying to stay upright and failed. He slipped off the chair and lay on the blissfully cool floor.   
“Please.” he begged. The Captain was the last thing he saw before the nothingness took him, she squatted beside him and smoothed the hair back from his forehead with a gentle touch.  
“Why do you Riker boys insist on throwing yourselves at my feet?” she whispered, her words followed him down into the dark.


	23. ‘if I hadn’t blown the whole thing years ago’

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter brought to you by the 90's hit hey jealousy by the gin blossoms..and a lot of rum. Enjoy

Tom woke up back in the brig with a brain splitting headache and a lingering feeling of vertigo. He sat up gingerly, lights flashed behind his eyes and he let out a groan. “Don’t worry, I had the Doctor treat you. You’re not going to die. Not yet anyway.” She was there, the cold eyed Captain watching him from the other side of the force field. Tom squinted up at her, resentfully wondering what game she was playing.  
“What do you want from me?”  
“The details of your so called friends arms trading, so I can blow them to hell.” it was said without passion, a simple statement of fact. Tom wondered what had sucked all the warmth from the woman’s soul.  
“What do I get?”  
“Continued existence.”  
“Can I think about it?”  
“Don’t take to long, or I will just have the relevant information ripped out of your mind and we will throw what ever of you is left out of the airlock.”  
“You really are a people person.”  
“Don’t try my patience Tom, I have precious little left for the likes of you.” Tom wondered if he was getting to her, then wondered if upsetting her was really a smart idea. After all she currently held his so called life in her hands. He endeavoured to look contrite and smiled his slow easy smile, the one that had charmed him out of more situations than he could count.   
“I’m sorry, you’re not exactly catching me at my best. I don’t even know your name.” She just looked at him, like he was nothing, just a piece of crap stuck to her shoe. Then she laughed, Tom wondered what the joke was, he suspected he was it.  
“My name is Captain Christine Garrick and no amount of charming smiles are going to haul your ass out of this fire. Now I suggest you tell me what you know about the Chiara nebula smuggling trade.  
“If I tell you everything now, you’ll just kill me”  
“Oh when did you become so cynical Tom?”  
“Eight years marooned plus a couple of years in a Cardassian jail will do that to you, it has a way of stripping away illusions.”  
“self pity is unattractive.”   
“When did you become such a bitch? Or were you always like this?” he smirked at her. Seemingly unfazed by his insult, she sat down cross legged on the floor and resting her chin on her hand stared at him.  
“I am sure I was always like this, but three years in a star fleet prison may have sharpened my edges some what,”  
“Are you attempting to empathise with me?” he sneered at the perverseness of that. “You are pathetic.”  
“Well I’m not the one in the brig, so who is the pathetic one really?” she smiled disdainfully at him and got up. “We’ll talk again soon, Tom.”

Chris beamed over to the Enterprise as soon they were in range. She had changed from her black one piece into a regular star fleet uniform and the Georgiou was uncloaked and nonchalantly pretending to be just a regular starship. The Enterprise still had romulans helping with repairs, it wouldn’t do for them to realise just what the Georgiou actually was.  
“You didn’t have to come” Picard said to her as she tripped lightly down the steps of the transporter platform.  
“I think I did Jean-Luc.” she smiled at him, seeing new lines round his eyes. “Besides, we will be taking the lead with the Romulan talks.”  
“I didn’t know you did that?” he didn’t mention section 31, Chris was grateful for his discretion.  
“I have my finger in a lot of pies, command feels like our particular area of expertise might come in useful.”  
“I suppose that is true,” Chris followed him out into the corridor and into a turbolift.  
“Bridge.”Picard told the computer, he glanced at Chris “Everybody is in the conference room.”   
“How are you doing Captain?” she asked now they were alone. He looked at her then looked away.  
“I’ve been better,” He admitted, “I always thought Data would outlive all of us.”  
“Me too.” She dared to squeeze his hand.  
“What about the others? I know Will’s a mess.”  
“He thinks I don’t know how bad he feels, I’d rather not burst his bubble.”  
“That’s why I’m here, bubble bursting is my speciality.” Chris smiled to herself.   
“Geordi isn’t doing well, I will be honest I don’t know what to say to him.” uncomfortable silence reigned. The doors to the bridge slid open and Picard led the way. He paused in front of the viewscreen and pointed to the Georgiou.  
“You have a fine ship, Captain. Did I ever congratulate you on your promotion?” he smiled at her with almost paternal pride.  
“No sir, I’m surprised you even heard. But thank you”  
“I have my sources, I have been keeping an eye on your progress. The way you dealt with that attempted Jem’ Hadar raid on Vulcan was impressive.”  
“Thank you captain, that means a lot coming from you” Chris knew her cheeks were flaring with embarrassment, she wasn’t used to praise.   
“Shall we?” Picard inclined his head in the direction of the conference room. Chris nodded and followed him, suddenly feeling unsure. It was the weirdest sensation, these people whether they had stayed in touch or not, only really knew her as a lieutenant. She hadn’t served with them for ten years and here she was wearing a captains uniform. Chris had not wanted a command, she had wanted to earn her life back. But fate decided other wise by leaving her in charge of the Georgiou after a particularly vicious battle. Section 31 had given her the choice go free or stay as captain and she had chosen to stay, because what else does a washed up starfleet officer do? Join the Maquis?   
She took a deep breath and squared her shoulders and feeling something akin to a prodigal daughter followed Picard into the conference lounge.  
They were all there, Will sat with his arm protectively around a haunted looking Deanna, Beverly, Worf and Geordi gathered round the table. They all looked older than they had a week ago, The empty chair that was Data’s was almost a physical pain in the room, a gap in their hearts. Chris mustered a smile. “Hello” she managed, the oppressive atmosphere stole the words from her throat. She didn’t miss the flash of relief in Will’s eyes, or Beverly’s surprised smile. Geordi didn’t look at her,.  
“Lieutenant Garrick” Worf was the only one that spoke.  
“It’s Captain Garrick now Worf” Chris tapped the studs on her collar meaningfully, she had a feeling Worf knew but was feeling antagonistic. She couldn’t entirely blame him, she was feeling like an interloper as it was. She might think of them as family, but she was starting to wonder if they just saw her as the woman who had royally screwed up and broken Will’s heart.  
“What are you doing here?” Beverly asked, clearly this was not going to be the reunion she hoped for.  
“I’m here to debrief you, Starfleet intelligence will be running point on the proposed talks with Romulus.” The formality of her own voice startled her, she gripped the edge of the table. “And if you are interested in why they picked me to liaise, it’s because I am known to you already.” she looked from one familiar face to another, they were regarding her blankly. Except Will whose eyes were dwelling anxiously on Deanna’s face. She snapped.  
“Data was my best friend.” Chris slammed her fist into the table, now even Will’s eyes were on her. “He was the only one of you who kept in touch, the only one of you who bothered to make sure I was alright.”   
“Captain-” Picard said softly, Chris silenced him with a look.  
“Forget it, consider yourselves debriefed. I can get everything I need from the mission logs.” she slapped the table again in frustration. “I thought you were my family.” she stalked out leaving a stunned silence in her wake.   
Picard caught up with her in the turbolift, just as the realisation was hitting that she had said the word ‘fuck’, twice to starfleets most decorated crew. She almost laughed.“I’m sorry, I think you were hoping for a better reception”  
“It’s fine Jean-Luc, I should have realised this ship is not my home, or at least not anymore.” She sighed, the revelation hurt. Picard dragged her into a stiff hug and then held her by the shoulders.  
“You will always be welcome on my ship Captain, I am immensely proud of you. For what you gave up and for what you have done since.”  
“Captain, you don’t have to salve my ego.”  
“I feel I do, without you my first officer, my friend would probably have died on that mission. For that I am grateful.”  
“Thankyou Captain”  
“Even so before you go, I suggest you apologise to the bridge crew before you go, because you will regret it.” he smiled at her and squeezed her hand.  
“I hate that you are always right.”

She found Will alone in the quarters he shared with Deanna. He was sprawled on the couch, uniform jacket thrown on the floor and unbooted feet resting on the coffee table. He had a glass of red wine in one hand, there were two bottles on the table, one of which was half empty.  
“Hi”  
“Hi” he answered dejectedly. He didn’t get up made no attempt to hide his miserable state.  
“I take it you are not okay?”  
“All these years and you still know me best.”  
“Well you are not exactly being difficult to read right now. Where is Deanna, I wanted to say goodbye to her too” she folded her arms and stared at her feet before adding and also apolagise for my behaviour earlier.”  
“I accept your apology,you are leaving so soon?”  
“In the morning, we have been ordered to Romulus to explore the possibility of peace talks. Being a spy isn’t just about skulking in corners.”  
“I suppose it isn’t. Deanna is staying with Beverly for a few days” he grimaced at that and sipped his drink. “Do you ever think about how we wound up like this.” ‘dangerous ground Will’ Chris thought.  
“I try not to.” Will was clearly in a bad place and she had, had the arrogance to assume she could fix it.  
“Why not? I’ve been thinking about us a lot lately”  
“Because it still hurts Will and you got married remember?” she groaned and rubbed her suddenly tired feeling eyes. “I know you love Deanna, what’s this about ?”  
“I just have a lot of regrets about you and me.”  
“So do I, but what ever it is, I’m sure you and Deanna can sort it out. Reminiscing with an old girlfriend is not the answer.” She stood up, deciding that prolonging this would not do anyone any good. “I better go, it was good to see you.”  
“Stay with me? Have a drink for old times sake?” he looked so pathetic sat there it was too hard to say no.  
“alright, but just a couple.” Chris sat down in the chair opposite and accepted the glass of red wine Will pushed across the table. “I need to talk to you about something any way.”  
“What?”  
“I have a guest in my brig I think you know.”  
“Who”  
“One Thomas Riker.”  
“Tom? You have got to be kidding me” Will groaned. He seemed grateful for the change of subject.  
“Yeah picked him up yesterday, he is involved in arms trading.”  
“How did he escape that Cardassian prison.”  
“I don’t know yet.” Chris shrugged. “He is not exactly cooperating.”  
“He’s not talking?”Will looked unconvinced.  
“Oh he talks, it’s just mostly insults and self pity.” Chris took another sip and then frowned at her glass. She held it up inquiringly, “Will, this is the real stuff isn’t it?”  
“Yeah, from the captains stash and yes this time, I did steal it.”  
“Why?” Chris picked up the bottle the label proclaimed it to be château Picard 2367.  
“I figured I still owed you, we never did get to drink that champagne,” Will said shyly, Chris smiled at him remembering.  
“As for Tom, We could take him off your hands if you like, we are headed back to earth.”  
“Tempting as that offer is, I need him for intel, I can handle him it’s like being scratched by a feral kitten”  
“Thats an odd analogy, did you ever think of me like that?” he laughed.  
“Like a feral kitten? no of course not” Chris folded her arms on the table and leaned forward, “you were more of a kicked puppy.”  
“You know that is not any better right?” he was grinning and leaning across the coffee table. Chris recognised the look in his eyes, knew that she felt the same way, temptation beckoned.   
“Will stop.” she whispered. He blinked at her and his cheeks flamed crimson.  
“Were we flirting?”  
“Yes, but we can’t do that.”  
“I know, I’m sorry”  
“Don’t apologise, if it wasn’t for that ring on your finger we’d being doing it on this table.”  
“Promise?” he grinned at her.  
“I promise, but Will seriously I know you, don’t get drunk and fall into bed with the first random fuck offered, again.”  
“I’d hardly call you a random fuck.” Chris realised he was a little bit drunk, she stood up and walked round the table. Perching on the edge of it next to Will’s couch, she stroked his hair.  
“It really is not a healthy way to deal with a crisis.”  
“It’s all so complicated, I just wanted something simple.” he looked up at her, eyes clouded with unshed tears and rank misery.  
“There is nothing simple about you and me, you know that.”  
“Maybe, I don’t know what to do Chris.”  
“Just tell me what happened. it’s just you and me and I am not leaving until I know you are okay.” part of her wanted to wrap her arms round him, hold him like she would have done all those years ago. But that wasn’t them, they were not those people any more. Instead she took his hand and squeezed his fingers. His chest heaved suddenly, the tears escaped.  
“I don’t deserve a friend like you.”  
“No you don’t, what happened Will?”  
“Uh, Shinzon, the Romulan praetor he came after her in here” Will tapped his head. “He raped her.” it was worse than Chris had been expecting, way worse. Her breath caught in her throat, she felt sick for Deanna.   
“I don’t know what to say to her, if I touch her she flinches.” his voice roughened, “We finally let ourselves be happy after all those years and then this.” Chris didn’t know what to say, she stared at his bent head noting the grey silvering his temples.  
“You just have to be there for her, that’s all I can tell you. don’t let her think you have forgotten her.”  
“I didn’t forget you.” he looked hurt. Chris sat next to him, she picked up his hand and held it tightly.  
“Yeah, you did and I get why, what happened to us hurt. That sort of shit should not happen to anyone.” Chris said quietly, Wills arms surrounded her he rested his head against her shoulder, she felt his chest heave and rubbed his back gently. “ and this should not have happened to you and Deanna. But it did.” She let him cry for a while, before gently pushing him off.“Hey Mr Hero, I’m not always going to be around so you can cry about your wife. You kind of need to cry to her”  
“Are you giving me relationship advice?” Joking already, papering over the cracks. How many times had she seen him do that?  
“Yes are you going to take it?”  
“I suppose I should.” he grinned at her, “I mean you are the only other woman I ever proposed to,”  
“I’m starting to think we would not have stayed married for long”  
“Bet it would have been fun though.” he kissed her cheek playfully.   
“I’m nearly 100% sure we would have ended up killing each other.” Their eyes met for a long moment, and it was like letting go.   
“What are we going to do about Tom” Will whispered, Chris nodded relieved at the change of tone. She pulled herself back together took a swig of the her wine, and sat back in the armchair with a groan. “The Cardassians don’t want him back, too be fair I don’t think they knew they had lost him. The empire is still putting itself back together. They aren’t bothered about one runaway”   
“I didn’t do very well by him.” Will admitted, he was staring at his hand. “I resented him too much to keep him in my life.”  
“You are not your brothers keeper. Believe me that man is perfectly capable of making his own mistakes.”   
“Chris I know that and I don’t have any right to ask you but-” he hesitated before plunging on, “Could you find a way to help him?”  
“Will, that is a lot ask and I don’t think Tom wants help from anyone, including me.”


	24. These iron bars can’t hold me in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we are off to romulus people, whooo hoo..also intense sexual tension for fun

She was back watching him again, leaning against the wall nonchalantly. This time Tom chose to ignore her. He sat on his bed and stared at the wall. After what seemed like an eternity of fraught silence the captain sighed and laughed at him. Tom was puzzled, he raised an eyebrow at her.  
“Captain, Do you find me amusing in some way?”  
“Well you do look kind of pathetic.” Tom didn’t bother to answer that, The Captain just shrugged at him. “I just got back from the Enterprise”  
“Oh, why would that interest me?” He shrugged.  
“You don’t want to ask me if they are okay?”  
“Why would I care?” Tom sniffed and glared at the floor. She knew why of course, he could tell.  
“Deanna for one, you did a lot of stupid things to try and get her attention. You stole a starfleet ship.”  
“That wasn’t the reason.”  
“Really, you might have told yourself that. But I know for a fact you had no intention of living through that.” She left her station by the wall and approached the force field slowly, like she was considering something weighty. “see thing is Tom, you might not be Will but you both share a penchant for overly dramatic gestures, I think you wanted to go out in a blaze of glory. That way she’d always remember you.”  
“That’s bullshit.” it wasn’t of course, somewhere back in his brain he had thought that. Who the hell was this woman? “Why should I care? I was stuck in that labour camp for three years, nobody even tried to get me out. So no I will not give you any information”  
“Will thought there might be something about you worth salvaging, clearly he was wrong.”  
“I’m not him, I’m nothing like him.” he spat venomously, Tom couldn’t even say his name. He couldn’t even think it without choking on a wave of resentment.   
“That much is clear.”  
“He took my life, he stole everything from me.”  
“Really? you think that is what happened” She was laughing at him now, it stung him to the quick. “The way I see it, you could have had all that. But like a whiny spoiled brat you had a tantrum and threw all your toys out of the pram.”  
“You know nothing about me”  
“I think I do, and I know you don’t want to be this person. This criminal, not really.” she held up her hands. “Now Will asked me to help you, if it had been anyone else I would have said no and you would be so much space dust right now. So you get this one chance and I think that you will take it because deep down you don’t want to die.”  
“People have tried to kill me before” he snorted, false bravado, but it was all he had left.  
“Tom, I won’t try, I just will. I’ll beam you out of this cell and set the beam to scatter. This is section 31, we do not fuck around.” she sat down cross legged in front of him, just like she had before. “So what do you say Tom?”  
“What are you offering me in return?”  
“Same thing some one once offered me, a life of sorts. If your information is useful.” she was watching him closely, the scrutiny made him uncomfortable. Tom paced his cell, the horribly small space was making him remember a slew of stuff and it was getting more and more difficult to keep a lid on his fear. He was one step away from throwing himself on his knees and begging to be let out.  
“What would that look like.”   
“I need a shuttle engineer, I know you have the skill set. Your privileges will be limited and you will be monitored, but it’s better than a cell.”  
“What about the Cardassians?”  
“The empire is in too much of a mess still to care about one runaway prisoner. Its either this or nothing, your choice” she shrugged. Tom stopped pacing and looked the Captain dead in the eyes. He couldn’t see any deception in her gaze, could she just kill him?   
“What do you get out of it?” he demanded.  
“A shuttle engineer” she said simply, folding her arms. “and a crewman with a talent for getting out of trouble, both of which are useful things.”

It hadn’t taken Tom long to fit in with the rest of the crew. Chris sipped her coffee and circumspectly watched him from her usual corner of the mess hall. She wandered what story he was telling them. His tall frame was huddled between Nadira and one of the commandos, a diminutive human called Machon. Tom was demonstrating something using cutlery and a salt cellar, his companions were shaking their heads and laughing. Tom was grinning too, he looked remarkably relaxed for a man, who just a couple of days before had stared death in the face. Nadira snatched the salt cellar from his fingers playfully shaking her head. “No way” Chris heard her exclaim and watched Tom turn the full force of his smile against the Andorian, the young woman smiled back, shyly.  
Chris put down her cup slowly, she recognised that smile. She stood up and walked across the mess hall, pausing at Tom’s table. The laughter petered out, replaced by anxious looks.  
“Good morning Captain” Machon inclined their head deferentially. Chris permitted them a small smile.  
“Riker walk with me.”  
“Of course captain.” There was not hint of disrespect in his voice, nothing that could be taken as insubordination and yet sardonic amusement flashed in his eyes. He wiped his mouth with a napkin and stood up. “See you all later.” he was still grinning as he turned to Chris.“Shall we Captain?” Chris walked away without another word, Tom caught up with her in the corridor. “Have I upset you captain?”.  
Chris glared at him, but kept walking until she came to an empty cargo hold. She pointed for him to enter first and followed after making sure no one had seen them.   
“What’s this about Sir?” Tom’s arms were folded tightly, he regarded her warily.  
“She’s a little young for you, don’t you think?”  
“Nadira? she’s a nice kid. You know I wouldn’t-”  
“No I don’t know, Thomas. Your moral compass can be a little off.” She took a step towards him, Tom for his part didn’t move. He actually dared to smile at her, the same smile he had gifted Nadira with.  
“No worse than yours Captain.”He snorted. Chris wished he was shorter it was difficult to be intimidating whilst having to look up at him.  
“Maybe I was out of line,” she admitted grudgingly.  
“She’s a kid, with a crush” he said in a disgusted tone, “She is young enough to be my daughter. I cannot believe you think I would take advantage of that.” he was shouting now. Chris felt the blood rising to her face and turned away.   
“Lets consider the matter closed.” she said softly.  
“Is that what passes for an apology around here?” Tom muttered bitterness making his words sharp. ‘I am the Captain’ she reminded herself sternly.  
“Well it’s all you are getting.” Hardly the best answer, but her habitual composure was shot, she scrabbled around trying to quiet her mind. He was standing right behind her, almost close enough to touch. Not threatening anything, just standing there.  
“Ever since I got here, you keep telling me you know me, I’m starting to wonder if you really do.” he whispered in her ear, breath tickling her neck. Chris bit her lip against the sudden heat building at the base of her spine. “I’m not some stunted version of Will, looking for acceptance and approval. I’m me.”  
“I know that” Chris knew she should walk away right now, But, the warmth of his body and feel of his breath against her neck stopped her, rooted her in place. She didn’t want to move. Tom moved closer, Why did they fit together so well?  
“So why are you so familiar?” His tone had softened, tentatively she felt his fingers stroke her neck. “Those eyes, I know them” Chris didn’t answer. Knowing that if he kissed her, her touched starved body would over ride what ever objections the shreds of her rational mind came up with. ‘and I want it to’ she admitted, in the privacy of her head. But she couldn’t, she realised in a moment of horrible clarity. There was no way of this working out well. Section 31 was not starfleet, she could lose her command. Tom could lose a lot more. Feeling sick she reached up and grabbed his hand.  
“Stop” barely a reluctant whisper.  
“Of course” he started to pull his hand away Chris twisted his arm over her shoulder and bent his wrist back, her other hand braced the elbow holding him immobile.  
“Touch me again without permission and I will break every bone in your body” she twisted his wrist a little harder for emphasis. The defiant smile he flashed her was more of a grimace.  
“My captain you are beautiful when you are angry.”Chris shoved him backwards hard, he hit the deck with a bang.  
“You need to be less familiar. Make sure the shuttles are all up to scratch, we are going to need them.” She straightened her uniform. She strove to maintain a business like tone, better to pretend that had never happened.  
“Where are we going? Tom asked, staggering to his feet.   
“Romulus”


	25. when first we practice to deceive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> romulans, angst, trust issues..more sexual tension

Chris smiled to herself and looked up at the Romulan ambassador, “so you expect me to believe that the coup d'etat that took place on Romulus less than a week ago, was nothing more than an internal scuffle?”  
“It is an internal matter for the empire” Commander Donatra didn’t move, she sat as still as any Vulcan, but there was something in her eyes, a shadow.   
“how did this situation come about? Is the empire so weak it can be taken by an upstart Reman and his pet human clone?”  
“You don’t sound like a starfleet officer”  
“I may be a little different from what you are used to. But, I’m here to find out exactly why you want this alliance, and whether it benefits the federation.”  
“and if it does not” Donatra raised an elegant eyebrow at her.  
“Then it does not and I will leave you to whatever it is you are not telling me.”  
“I assure you I am being as candid with you as you are with me.” Donatra said mildly. Chris sat back considering her next words carefully.  
“I will need access to the wreckage of the Scimitar”  
“Shinzon’s ship? May I ask why?” The innocence of Donatra’s question was an obvious trap.  
“I should like to know where he got the Thaleron technology”  
“There are limits on our participation.” Donatra made a dismissive gesture.  
“As there are on my patience commander.”  
“Tell me Captain, how did you gain your command. Starfleet records indicate that you never made it past lieutenant.” Donatra paused and steepled her fingers together. “In fact the records state that you were jailed, after a botched reconnaissance mission resulted in the loss of sixty Romulan lives.” Donatra smiled sweetly. “the massacre at the science station on Alpha Hyda 5, very nearly resulted in a war between us.”  
“We both know that was no science station and I assume that you know what was being done there.” Chris kept her voice neutral, disdainful even. The Romulan was fishing, Chris was determined she would not catch anything. Donatra stared at her for a moment, then nodded.  
“So Captain, how did you earn your ship?”  
“Why do you want to know?”  
“I like to know with who I am dealing.”   
“Ahhh I see, pure curiosity.” Chris sat back, “Well it’s a short story. There was a Jem’Hadar raid on vulcan, my ship was in the vicinity. We took heavy damage, most of the senior bridge crew was killed. I took command and I blasted the Jem’Hadar into dust.”  
“How many ships?”  
“Three.”  
“Impressive, ruthless even. Starfleet intelligence clearly gained an asset when they recruited you.”  
“As did the Tal Shiar, when they recruited you,” Chris replied softly, her reward was a flash of surprised dismay in the romulan’s eyes.  
“indeed Captain, what is it you humans say? Ah yes, touché.”  
“Are you satisfied with my credentials Commander?”  
“you may address the senate tomorrow morning.” Chris stood up and held out her hand. Donatra shook it after a moments hesitation.  
“Will you join me for dinner Commander?”  
“Not on this occasion, maybe when we conclude the talks 

Tom had his feet up on his desk eating a sandwich with every sign of enjoyment, he looked for once, fairly relaxed. Chris was almost loathe to disturb him, but who else was she going to ask?  
“You got a moment Tom?” she called softly trying not to startle him. Tom jumped to his feet, his face flickered between uncertainty and a flashes of anger. “Nothing bad I promise,” she added as an afterthought, even though that was technically a lie. He seemed to accept that and nodded.  
“Yeah of course.”  
“You had many dealings with the romulans?”  
“A few, though I mostly tried to steer clear of them.” he sat down and took a bite of his sandwich. “You eaten today captain, you look kind of pale” he held out the other half of his sandwich. “Go on take it” Chris hesitated, but her traitorous stomach gurgled loudly.   
“Thanks, skipped breakfast.” she took a bite, “Roast beef and mustard?”  
“It was the one thing I constantly craved when I was stuck on Nervala 4, funny I used to hate mustard. But eight years on basic rations and you start dreaming about condiments.” he paused and gave her a conspirational grin, “You want another one?”  
“yeah okay, thanks” Chris wandered if this was Tom trying to ineptly apologise. She decided not to rock the boat, this fragile feeling peace was better than his usual barely disguised anger. “So the Romulans?” she asked again, deciding the other thing could wait for a while and sat on the edge of his desk.   
“You must have had dealings with them yourself, why do you need my opinion?”There was a barely contained flash of annoyance in his voice. Chris chose to ignore it, talking to Tom was starting to feel like treading water while some huge storm hovered on the horizon.  
“because my senior staff are all kids, most of them have less than four years experience.”   
“Why is that?”  
“There was a mass exodus when the war ended, what was left of the bridge crew retired.”  
“Understandable I suppose. Why didn’t you” he caught her gaze, looking into his eyes was difficult, she shrugged.  
“What else would I do?”  
“I don’t know, anything? See the galaxy without wearing the uniform?, or just go home, get married and make some kids.” His gaze shifted inward for a moment.  
“That door shut a long time ago for me.”  
“Me too.” He shook himself, “that was maudlin, sorry.” he coughed to cover his embarrassment. “Why don’t you just tell me what is bothering you about these Romulans, maybe we can figure it out.”   
“They are hiding something from me, there is no way Shinzon should have been able to seize power the way he did. Our Romulan sources are extremely sketchy, there was a purge a few years into the war and most of our top operatives were exposed. We haven’t fully recovered.”  
“ Romulans hiding something, not unusual in itself. So what do you know?” Tom got up and went to the replicator, he came back with two cups. “Black coffee, no sugar right?” their fingers brushed together as she took the cup, Tom smiled at her shyly. Chris caught herself smiling back and made herself to turn it into a thoughtful frown.   
“How did you know?”  
“I pay attention to what my captain likes,” double meaning, Chris saw the hunger in his eyes and saw him bite down hard on his lip. He turned away abruptly. Chris was starting to think this was another one of her bad ideas, maybe she should just go and hope she could work things out on her own. Tom turned back to her, face composed at least.  
“Go on, tell me about the Romulans.” his voice was ragged, he was trying though. Chris gratefully accepted, they could avoid the tempting trap the universe had laid them. She moved a couple of steps away, not much in terms of physical distance. But Tom seemed to relax.  
“There is not much to tell, rumours and gossip. The empire is fighting someone on their far border. We don’t know who.”  
“And if we don’t know who, we don’t know how risky an alliance with the Romulans will be.”  
“Exactly, they are keeping us in the dark, this feels bad Tom. Really bad.” Chris rubbed her hands together, he held her hands still for a second, then guiltily let go.  
“What’s your next move”  
“I have to meet with the senate tomorrow, any suggestions?” Chris asked. Tom leaned against a bulkhead and stared into his coffee cup, he seemed afraid to look at her.  
“Nothing useful,” his eyes narrowed as he thought, then he smiled. “you ever play poker?” Chris rolled her eyes.  
“Tom I served on the Enterprise, it was practically required.”  
“well then, bluff. Make them think you know everything already.”  
“And if they realise I have nothing more than a busted flush?”  
“How fast can this ship go?” he laughed.  
“Good point.” Chris took a breath, “There is something else I need you to do for me.”  
“I can tell from your expression that it’s not a good thing.”  
“It’s dangerous, risky.” she admitted.  
“What is it? Come on captain you are not usually this evasive.” he tilted his head at her curiously.  
“I need to examine the wreckage of the Scimitar and the Romulans would rather I didn’t.” Chris walked over to a console and called up a file, Tom followed her. “Here” she said softly and tapped a map of the Bassen rift. “They missed a bit, the interstellar gas masked it from their sensors, I want you to go and get it.” Tom was peering over her shoulder at the map, he reached out and enlarged a section with a flick of his fingers. His arm bumped against her’s, Chris gritted her teeth against the sudden jolt that careered down her spin straight to her belly. She wondered if he done it on purpose, had it been this bad with Will? To be honest she couldn’t remember. Maybe, she should have thrown him out of an airlock.  
“It’s a long way, there and back. I’ll have to take a runabout.”  
“I want this done quietly. Take the Tyler, it’s been fitted with a cloak. How long will it take?”  
“Couple of days max, you know I will be not be able to contact you until I am out of the rift.”  
“I know, but ironically you are now my best pilot, I would rather not trust Welbeck with this.” She kept her voice down, in case someone was listening.   
“But you think you can trust me? What’s to stop me from just not coming back?”  
“Nothing, I’ll just have to trust you.” They were stood too close together again, Tom let out a puff of breath, his tongue ran along his lips. Chris watched his Adams apple bob up and down frantically, maybe he was having just as much trouble with this as she was.  
“Then I guess we will find out.”  
“I should go, be ready by 1600 hours.”  
“Be careful down there with the romulans Captain”  
“You be careful out there, don’t get lost.”  
“I’ll try not too,” he dodged her gaze.  
“You know you could call me Chris.” she suggested and looked up into those blue eyes. Tom half smiled and shook his head.  
“no, I don’t think so. You are my Captain.” he reached out, Chris thought he was going to touch her cheek, but he just grasped her shoulder. “be careful” he told her earnestly and turned away.

Chris wanted to go to the Shuttlebay to see Tom off, but good sense and decorum dictated otherwise and she settled for supervising his departure from the bridge.  
“Runabout cloak is online, emissions are nominal. The Romulans shouldn’t detect him sir” Welbeck informed her, tersely. He had complained bitterly about Riker undertaking this mission. Chris had come close to reprimanding him.  
“Thank you Lieutenant.” She muttered and opened a channel to the runabout. “You are good to go Mr Riker. Try not to get lost.”  
“leave a light on for me, Tyler out”  
“Shuttlecraft away” Nadira called out from helm. Chris tapped her fingers on the arm of her chair as the seconds ticked by.  
“Did they see him?” she demanded, trying to keep an unexpected tremble out of her voice.  
“No sir.” Welbeck assured her, he was monitoring communications traffic.  
“Unless they did and they want us to think they didn’t,” Chris pointed out, sometimes she wandered if the war had taken all the clever officers with it.  
“Sorry Sir, I don’t follow your reasoning” Welbeck scowled at her. Chris took a deep breath.  
“Welbeck they might have detected Tom’s shuttle, but they wouldn’t want us to know they have.” she saw enlightenment bloom on his face.  
“oh, what should we do?”  
“Nothing Mr Welbeck, Tom Riker has the luck of the devil. Lets hope it holds.”


	26. Doubt thou i love?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some introspection..*eyebrow twitch*

With his heart in his mouth and half expecting to be blown into dust, Tom guided the runabout out of the Georgiou’s aft shuttlebay. He stayed at manoeuvring speed, until he had left the Georgiou and the grey green globe of Romulus far to port and then punched it up to warp five. He didn’t bother wondering if the Romulans had seen him or not, of course they had and he could worry about that later. Right now, he was trying to ignore the goblin sitting on his shoulder, whispering that he had a ship, he could run.  
He shifted in his seat and tried to concentrate on the stars rushing past, but his mind had other suggestions. Like, He didn’t have to do this, there were half a dozen solar systems nearby where he could sell the runabout; he didn’t owe anybody anything. Not even the Captain who had spared his miserable life.  
And yet, he remembered the way the curve of her back had fitted so well against his chest and the way she had shivered when he touched her. It was a visceral thing, exquisite torture and Tom wasn’t sure he could stand it. He wasn’t even sure she really wanted him, maybe she still wanted Will?   
He had seen the flash of old pain in her eyes when ever she spoke his brother’s name, he didn’t know precisely what had happened between them. He had tried to find out, but the ship board gossip was remarkably vague in regards to the Captain. Nadira had tried to tell him some fanciful story and claimed that that the Captain had been engaged to Will. Tom couldn’t reconcile that with what he knew of his brother. Will was all about his career wasn’t he? He had given up Deanna for his dream of captaincy. Tom couldn’t picture Will proposing to anyone. Okay he and Deanna were married now, but the man he had met a decade ago? That Will had been an idiot.  
He checked the runabouts course and made a small adjustment, he was caught by his own gaze reflected in the panel. He stared at himself, touched the scar on his cheek and flinched away from the memory it brought. He looked battered, tired, he could see the constant rage simmering in his eyes. “why would she ever want you?” Tom asked himself savagely. “look at you, pathetic.” he rubbed his eyes, the insidious bleakness was back, cooling his rage into icy self hatred. “I’ll break her, just like I broke everything else” he muttered. He pictured her in his mind, persuading himself that he could say goodbye, that it was the best way. Then he remembered; the way she would smile at him, when she thought he wasn’t looking. The first time his captain had smiled at him, he had spent the rest of the day grinning inanely at odd moments and feeling like a teenager with a forbidden crush.   
“I would miss your smile” he whispered to his absent Captain. “I’ll miss you” he admitted. Tom glanced down at navigation, still 12 hours to go until he got to the rift. He should try to sleep. ‘i can decide when I get there’ he reminded himself, feeling like a coward.

The hall of the Romulan senate was somehow exactly what Chris had expected. A round lofty room, all inlaid marble and bombastic symbols of empire. A star map wound it’s way across the floor, proclaiming ‘here is greatness’ and ‘here is strength’, but it was a facade. Chris could tell by the tension that curled itself round the room. Each senator watching the others like hawks, something was clearly rotten in the Romulan star empire. Donatra was introducing her, Chris watched a ripple of consternation fan through the serried ranks of the Romulan elite, though there were no objections. Donatra nodded to her to take the floor, Chris took a breath to steady her nerves and walked out to the centre of the room. It had taken her a while to decide what to say and she still wasn’t sure, ‘okay Captain Garrick, best poker face.’ she told herself stiffly and cast her gaze around the crowd. “Noble Senators” it was difficult to keep the disdain from her voice, but then maybe she didn’t have to. The Romulans had made no secret of their own distaste for other cultures, they should receive the same in return, she had a feeling they would expect it. She let her lip curl a little. “Noble senators,” she repeated, “I come bearing the greetings of the federation council and an offer of mutually beneficial talks.”   
“Why would we need to talk with the federation” an elderly male in the front row growled. Chris turned her attention to him, the pro-consul one Telor. Newly appointed and an extreme conservative. Rumour was he was in line for the praetor-ship now the position was empty.   
“perhaps because you owe us after the recent assistance we rendered getting rid of Shinzon.”  
“Romulus does not require the assistance of the federation.” A voice shouted from near the back. Suddenly there was uproar, Chris stayed put as they showered her with curses. There was fear etched into every face, the air was thick with it. The empire might not have fallen but it was crumbling. Somewhere a massive gong sounded, drowning out the shouts. It sounded again dragging silence in it’s wake. Chris licked her dry lips, time to bluff.  
“Pro-consul” she nodded to Telor gracefully, “It should be noted that the federation is aware of the trouble on your beta quadrant border.” a chilled hush descended on the chamber. “We are prepared to offer humanitarian aid, we understand your enemy is relentless.” she saw a couple of faces twitch and exulted. She had them, though there was still a chance they would realise she was holding a bad hand. The pro-consul stood up and came forward a few steps.  
“I suggest we take a recess and think on the Captain’s words” he said softly, his cold grey eyes caught hers and Chris did not like what she saw reflected there.

“Don’t die,” Tom pleaded. There was hot blood all over his hands, all over his chest and a dead weight in his arms. It wasn’t his blood staining the ground, that was sand one moment and sharp grey gravel the next. He shook the body in his arms desperately. For a moment he was in two places at once. A beach and the stark grey of a prison. He strained trying to see the face of the person he held, then he saw her, a cardassian guard her chest ripped open. Tom dropped her and awoke breathing hard, with a cold sweat drenching his shoulders. It took him a second to remember where he was, he didn’t remember drifting off. Glaring blearily at the chronometer, Tom realised he wasn’t far from the rift, he would have to drop out of warp soon. He stood up stretched and sat back down heavily in the pilots seat. He was not sure what exactly he had been doing for the last few hours, because it sure as hell hadn’t felt like sleep.  
Pushing away his night terrors as unimportant, Tom dropped the runabout smoothly out of warp, and checked his position. Only a couple of parsecs from where the remaining wreckage of the Scimitar, was floating hidden by a veil of volatile gasses. He wondered idly if Chris had any luck with the Romulan senate, then shied away from the thought. Thinking about his captain brought too many worries and conflicting feelings with it and he still had not made a firm decision. He tapped the navigation panel and laid in a course. One thing at a time, one decision at a time.   
The runabout turned towards the murk of the rift, in a moment it was among the drifting gases. It didn’t take Tom long to locate the wreckage, a weird spidery mass of metal tentacles, twisted from intense heat. The thing made him feel uneasy for no identifiable reason.  
They came for him as soon as he uncloaked and transported the wreckage into his cargo bay. Two romulan scoutships little brothers to the warbirds he had seen before. They appeared either side of him,“clever boys” Tom chuckled to himself, “Exactly what I would have done, except I’m a bastard” his fingers danced over the controls and the runabout banked sharply to port then cut between the two scoutships. Tom strafed them both with the phasers and dumped a torpedo in a pocket of unstable gas he had detected earlier. The blast knocked all three ships over like bowling pins, Tom’s head hit the console and snapped back as the inertial dampeners failed to absorb the full force of the explosion. He tasted blood in his mouth and grinned. He had been ready for the blow, his assailants had not. One drifted, fire glowing through the hull plates. the other was still pin wheeling, sending steamers of gas spiralling in it’s wake. Tom followed the other ship lighting up the gas around it with phaser and torpedo fire until it’s warp core overloaded and it disappeared in a moment of pure white energy. Once again the runabout was buffeted and thrown about, Tom was starting to feel like a piñata at some giant child’s party.   
Tom checked on the other Romulan ship as soon as his stopped shaking him, his scan showed minimal life support and a dead warp core. “Sorry boys, party is finished and you will have to walk home.” he threw a mock salute at the drifting ship and started to plot a course out of the nebula. He touched his nose gingerly, broken. No big deal, he could get it fixed back on the Georgiou. ‘back on the Georgiou’ he had thought that instantly without doubts, automatically. As if his return was assured. 

“Sir this is ridiculous! We have been waiting for a response for 12 hours!” Welbeck slapped his console. Chris didn’t even bother to look at him. Her mind was full of gnawing half formed worries. The bad feeling she had told Tom about was growing like a shadow on her mind. Maybe it was species 8472 the Romulans were fighting out there in the wastes of space? There was another option, hell there were many, but there was one she refused to think about. ‘don’t let it be them’ she prayed and banished the thought again. “Sir I said this is ridiculous” Welbeck snorted more loudly from his corner of the bridge.   
“Patience, lieutenant. I was expecting this, it’s the romulan way. They hope to dull and frustrate us with inaction.”  
“well it’s working” Welbeck said under his breath. Chris gave up and tossed an irritated glare at him.   
“Mr Welbeck, if you are bored the starboard plasma conduits could do with a scrub.”  
“Sorry sir.” Welbeck might be a toad, but he did have some self preservation instincts. Chris stared at the viewscreen, Romulus turned slowly below them. It wasn’t an unattractive world, it had large oceans and what appeared to be a flourishing biosphere, but it couldn’t hold her attention any more. She tapped a few panels on her chair, read a report and signed a few things.  
“Any word from Mr Riker” she asked as casually as she could. Chris didn’t miss the suspicious frown that possessed Welbeck’s corn bread features for a millisecond, before he could control it.  
“Not yet ma’am” he said neutrally. ‘ma’am’ she supposed that was his juvenile payback for being publicly embarrassed. Chris turned her attention back to the viewscreen. Would Tom even come back? She half expected him to run. For all the fire between them, she was nothing to him. A relic of someone else’s past, what did they owe each other really? 

This was it, the point of no return on the edge of the Bassen rift. Tom shut the engines down and stared at the dissipating gases, a few more seconds and he could contact the Georgiou, report the success of his mission and fly back. Alternatively, he had a runabout with a cloaking device and the wreckage circling in the pattern buffer would probably be worth a small fortune on the black market. He could go now, run off to some borderland world. Spend the rest of his days far away from starfleet, Will, Deanna and every last thing that had caused him pain.   
But he would never see her again and that felt wrong. He couldn’t have articulated why it felt wrong, it just did. He slumped back in his seat and rubbed his eyes. He remembered the way his body had screamed at him when he touched her, the jolt of it. Tom recognised the feeling, he’d had it once before years ago and it had left him a scarred terrified mess. He’d be an idiot to put himself through that again.  
His Captain was waiting though, waiting for him to come back. “Fuck” he shouted at the universe. He made himself think about that and it was like being punched in the gut, she trusted him to come back and help her. No one had trusted Tom in a very long time. No one had needed him in even longer. It was like being thrown a life line, he just had to decide to grab hold.   
The irony did not escape him, Tom Riker, who had throw off starfleets shackles in a fit of disgust and desperation, had finally found a Commander to care about.  
“How was the trip?” His Captain asked as soon as he stepped out of the runabout, Tom scrutinised her face, had she been concerned? Worried? Was she glad he was back?  
“More exciting than expected.” Tom grinned, “The romulans sent a couple of scout ships after me.”  
“And where are they now?”  
“well one’s gone and the other one is drifting through the rift, without a warp core.” He couldn’t help the pride in his voice.   
“Did you secure the wreckage?”  
“It’s in the cargo hold.”   
“Well done” she patted his shoulder, a ghost of a smile on her lips. “Go to sickbay, get your nose sorted out”  
Not much of a welcome, Tom thought resentfully. Then checked himself, what had he expected? To get down to it right there on the deck in front of the crew. The doubts were back though, what if she really did just miss his brother? The anger at himself was rising again, he was an idiot. ‘i should have run.’ He managed a small curt smile at his Captain, whose gaze snagged his for a second. He was immediately lost in those deep dark brown eyes, like a woodland pool in autumn.  
“I-I,um, I better go to sickbay” he stammered, suddenly feeling off balance, “get this, sorted out” he gestured to his nose he took a couple of stumbling steps before the world started spinning.  
“Concussion?” she asked, Tom tried to focus on her face, he was afraid to nod in case his head fell off. Chris nodded to herself, as if this was the confirmation she needed and braced her arm around his waist. Despite the fact his brain was currently vibrating in his skull like a church bell and his thoughts had turned to mash potato, it still felt ridiculously good to hold on to the warm body. “Tom” Chris repeated loudly.  
“How you kno’” his tongue was thick and heavy.  
“I recognise the symptoms, you Riker boys have thick skulls.” To Tom’s disappointment she pushed him into another crew-mans arms. “Get him to sickbay, lets get that wreckage to engineering.”


	27. She lov'd me for the dangers I had pass'd,

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> erm..its like *squints at clock* 3am here more writing.

Chris wandered into the shuttlebay and found it deserted, she frowned and wondered where the hell Tom was. “Fuck” a voice shouted from the maintenance bay below the flight deck. She slid down the ladder and found Tom glaring at a Shuttle with a partially disassembled warp nacelle.  
“what are you doing down here Captain” Tom put down a torque wrench and glared at her.  
“Came to see how you are doing, since you decided to come back.”  
“As you can see I’m fine,” he growled.  
“You know you’re bleeding right?”she looked around there was a first aid kit hanging on one of the curved walls. “Welbeck made a complaint about you, he said you threatened to punch him”  
“Did he tell you why”  
“He was vague.” Chris admitted, Tom grinned nastily.  
“Trust me he deserved it”  
“Maybe, but you can’t go around threatening my officers.” she told him softly. Tom dumped a field coil on his work bench. Chris set the first aid kit down with a deliberate click.“Give me your hand.”  
“It’s nothing.”  
“Your brother said that to me once, then he nearly died. Give me your hand.”  
“Fine he muttered and reluctantly stretched out his blood soaked fingers. There was a deep jagged gash across his palm. Chris disinfected the cut and picked up a small regenerator and tried to ignore the desperate plea in his eyes.  
“So while we are waiting for this cut to close, why did you threaten Welbeck?”  
“You know that slimy little shit hates you right”   
“Is that concern I hear in your voice?”  
“it’s self preservation, if something happens to you don’t suppose your successor will keep me around for long.”   
“Well then I will try not to die.” Chris switched off the regenerator and shut the medi kit with a snap.   
“I’m sorry” Tom said suddenly.  
“Why what have you done now?”  
“About the other day, when you nearly broke my wrist. I should not have touched you, without asking, it was- ”He stuttered to a stop, turning beetroot red.  
“was what?”  
“inappropriate. You should have broken my nose. I think I have forgotten how to be around people.” he held up his hands. Chris felt a wave of guilt, she tried to keep her face blank. He was actually blaming himself. “I should have apologised before. I’m so sorry”  
“Well try and learn, or I really will break your wrist.” it was supposed to be a joke, but it came out woodenly, there was another of those uncomfortable moments. Chris realised she was still gripping his fingers. She dropped them with alacrity. As she looked around the maintenance bay for anything to break the tension, something caught her eye. “Can we just forget any of that happened?” A pillow and a starfleet issue sleeping bag folded neatly on the floor of an alcove.“Tom? Can you come here a moment?”  
“What?” he stalked over.  
“Are you sleeping in here?” she pointed to the tidy pile of bedding, Tom looked sheepish.  
“Only if I work late.” his eyes darted to one side, Chris shook her head.  
“Don’t lie to me.” she told him softly, his expression spasmed into unfiltered anger.  
“How do you always know?” he demanded. Chris chose to ignore his reaction, pointing out his insubordination would only make things worse.  
“We assigned you quarters, see that you sleep there in future.” she kept her tone mild, like she was discussing the weather, rather than remonstrating a crewman for sleeping on the god damned floor. She heard his sharp intake of breath and continued, “Unless there is a problem with your quarters?”  
“I can’t sleep there, it’s too shut in, too small. I’m never sure the door will open again”  
“there are doors in here”  
“I know, but it’s different. I don’t expect you too understand.”  
“Try me.”   
“I spent a lot of time in solitary, I have trouble with confined spaces now” he admitted grudgingly. Chris remembered Will’s incipient claustrophobia with a jolt. Clearly Tom’s time in prison had brought the nascent fear to the surface.  
“You never did tell me how you escaped that Cardassian labour camp.” Chris asked idly, she saw Tom’s back stiffen.  
“You’ve never asked” he replied quietly, Chris frowned.  
“Then tell me now.”  
“I’d rather not.” the usual bombastic sarcasm was gone for his voice. Chris joined him at the worktable, he was just stood there holding the spiral tube of the field coil and staring into space.   
“Tom?” he jumped when she spoke his name.  
“I said I would rather not talk about it.”  
“Come on Tom, you are free enough with your tales of derring do in the mess hall. Tell your Captain a story.” She snatched the thing from his fingers.  
“There is no tale of derring do, one of the female guards took a liking to me, I used that to escape.”  
“so you slept your way out of prison”  
“No, it wasn’t like that, I- she-” he stopped talking, there was fear in his eyes and intense self loathing. Realisation dawned and Chris felt like a complete idiot, she handed the coil back.  
“I’m sorry-” she reached for his hand.  
“Don’t” he batted her away. “I don’t need your pity”   
“if you want to talk about it”  
“I don’t okay, not ever. Now leave”   
“I’m going,” Chris held up her hands in surrender. She happened to glance over her shoulder as she walked away, Tom looked smaller, shoulders hunched against his own darkness. ‘crap’ she flinched as the field coil bounced off the wall accompanied by a cry of something not precisely rage, but knowing she was being a coward decided to keep walking.  
Later, lying on her back in bed, staring at the ceiling she ran through the incident in her head again. He had trusted her with something and she had been flippant. Chris covered her eyes and groaned, she couldn’t leave things as they were. She was starting to understand how Will had felt those first few weeks they were together. When everything he did had ended in misunderstanding and one near death incident. She couldn’t do anything about the Romulans until they summoned her, so perhaps she could at least try to fix the one problem within her power. “come on Chris, he won’t bite” she muttered, throwing off the covers and groping around in the dark for her uniform. At least she wouldn’t have to hunt the ship for Tom, she knew exactly where he would be.

“Hey” she called softly, Tom was sat on the floor back braced against the hull of the shuttle he was working on.  
“What are you doing here?”  
“I decided that as your Captain, I can’t ignore this situation” she pointed to the sleeping bag rolled out ready on the floor. “so tell me”  
“I told you no.” Tom growled.   
“Tom, you can’t just carry this around with you, it will eat you away.”  
“how would you know” a savage snarl and Tom surged to his feet, Chris took an instinctive step back. Tom stared at her confused for a second.  
“I’m sorry, I wouldn’t hurt you. I just don’t want to talk about this.” he sat back down clearly ashamed. Chris looked down on him for a moment, how could she reach him?   
“I lost someone, I loved.” she said slowly.  
“Will?”  
“No” Chris shook her head smiling ruefully. “Her name was Izzy, she died at wolf 359 and for a long time” she paused considering her words carefully, “for so very long, I blamed myself. it coloured everything I did. It ruined things between me and Will.”  
“How?” Tom asked quietly.  
“I was so scared of losing him, that I lost him.” Chris bit her lip to keep her tears at bay, why did it still hurt. “Let it go Tom. Tell me, before it hurts you again.”   
“It’s not a good story” Tom had gone quite pale, he refused to look at her.   
“I kind of guessed that much” she wanted to touch him, reassure him, but the way he braced his body warned her off.   
“alright,” his eyes flicked up to her once lightening quick. “I found out we were at war, I couldn’t stand it. Stuck there in that place with her. So I played along.” he went quiet squeezing his hands together, an ugly grimace twisting his features. “I let her do what she wanted, I made her think I liked it. Most of the time I just tried not to think about it, tried to not think at all.”he finally looked at her, Chris held out her hand. He took it gingerly, “I decided it wasn’t real. Is that stupid?” Chris sat down on the floor opposite him, she turned his hand upside down and stared at the lines of his palm.  
“It’s not stupid, there are times when I have done the exact same thing.”  
“Any of those times related to my brother.”  
“When I was in prison I used to pretend he was coming to get me” she shrugged sadly.”We all tell ourselves stories to make things bearable right?”  
“I suppose.”  
“So then what happened?”  
“i fooled her, one day she left the door unlocked. I knocked her out and ran and ran. She came after me, gave me this.” he touched the scar on his cheek. “I managed to-to um, get the knife” his tongue was tripping over the words, he closed his eyes and went very still, Chris could hear him desperately trying to even out his panicked breathing. Chris shifted over to sit beside him, she didn’t let go of his hand. He was gripping her fingers tightly now an expression of horror washing over him. “i didn’t just kill her, I ripped her apart. I didn’t know I had that much rage in me and now that’s all there is inside me. That’s it.” he hung his head, “I don’t know who I am anymore, the person I used to be would never have done what I did.”  
“You mean Will wouldn’t have.”  
“i guess, he is who I used to be after all.”  
“I’m not sure that’s true.” she rubbed his neck, he shied away from her touch. “Sorry.” she said softly and withdrew her hand. “neither of you are that kid who went to Nervala 4.”   
“I know but-” Tom sighed, “the universe makes mistakes, I think we both know I’m clearly a mistake.”  
“You are not a mistake Tom.”  
“Thats sweet of you to say My Captain.”the soft way he said the words ‘my Captain’ sent a shiver down her spine,   
“You know you and your idiot brother are not all that different.”  
“I think we will have beg to differ on that one.” He growled, Chris gave in to temptation and ran her fingers along his jaw, this time he let her touch him.  
“Did you really love that idiot” Tom asked. Chris sat back on her haunches and sighed.  
“Yeah I did very much, we were going to get married.”  
“Really, so Nadira was right. What happened?”  
“oh I saved his life and a few other peoples. But I had to disobey his direct order and made a bit of a diplomatic mess to boot. They threw the book at me.”  
“And I suppose Will broke it off.”  
“No, I did” Chris looked at her feet, “At the time, it seemed to be the right choice, I thought I was there for life”  
“Do you still love him?” Tom asked softly, Chris didn’t answer immediately. She looked at Tom for a while. He didn’t even look as much like Will any-more. His hair was a messy salt and pepper thatch that curled on his forehead and stuck up in all directions. He pushed the over long fringe from his eyes tiredly and scratched at his goatee. There was precious little trace left of the high flying career officer who was marooned on Nervala four.  
“I’m not that person any more.”  
“And yet, here I am because Will asked.”   
“I wasn’t really going to beam you into space.” she grinned apologetically.  
“I did kind of hope that was the case, but you didn’t answer the question, do you still love that idiot?”   
“There’s nothing like watching the love of your life marrying some one else for closure.” Chris knew anger was bleeding into her voice, she didn’t care.  
“Maybe they were not the person you are supposed to be with.” Tom pointed out.  
“You believe in soulmates?” Chris raised a sceptical eyebrow.  
“I used too, but as you said nothing worse than watching the love of your life marry someone else.”  
“Maybe she isn’t the love of your life either.” Chris grinned at him.  
“Touche! my Captain.” They both dissolved into laughter, it had a dark edge to it, but it was still laughter. Chris decided she liked this Tom, the suspicious, defensive glare gone from his eyes, lying propped up on his elbows laughing. ‘No,’she told herself forcefully. He stopped laughing with a series of hiccuping breaths and looked at her. She was lost in the blueness of those eyes for a moment, all these years and she had never before seen the deep azure sea of an Alaskan summer sparkling there. He was just looking at her, that was all, but she knew that look. No barriers, no filters, just the naked honesty of a soul trying to heal itself, back together. She dropped her gaze and stood up.  
“Come on get up” she nudged him with her foot, he held out his hand.  
“stiff back muscles” Tom grunted. Chris hesitated then hauled him to his feet. He didn’t let go of her, instead his fingers slid up her arm and cradled her cheek. He kissed her carefully like she was made of glass. “You were the girl on the beach” he shook his head, “On Edwin’s world.”  
“I wondered if you would remember.” His arms were round her waist she could feel his thumb rubbing the base of her back absent-mindedly.  
“You nearly died in my arms, I was covered in your blood” his eyes narrowed remembering, “scared the shit out of me, first time I ever saw that much blood.”  
“it was no picnic for me either” she grinned at him.  
“Do you remember anything I said to you.”  
“No, what did you say.”  
“just stupid stuff, I think I begged you not to ruin my birthday by dying.”  
“You said”, Chris closed her eyes a moment trying to catch the tattered memory, “That I had the most beautiful eyes you had ever seen, you kept telling me to open my eyes so you could see them.”  
“You were suffering from extreme blood loss, I’m not sure I said that.”  
“Liar” she kissed his cheek, and whispered in his ear “The tips of your ears are turning pink, you remember.”   
“How could I have forgotten those eyes” Tom chuckled, then his expression turned serious. “This is crazy, we can’t do this.” he still didn’t let go. Chris ran her fingers through the salt and pepper of his hair. His fingers still stroked her spine, plucked at the fabric of her uniform nervously.”You should probably go.”  
“Yeah I probably should” Chris laid her head on his chest, she could hear his heart thumping. His fingers tangled in her hair. Tom sighed and kissed the top of her head lightly. “You know Will couldn’t remember what he said to me, I asked him once.”  
“I had a lot of time on Nervala and not much else to do but think and remember.” he hugged her tight and then pushed her away. “We can’t do this, not now.”  
“Tom-”  
“Don’t Chris. You are the Captain and I’m a convicted felon. I am only here because of you.” he stepped away. “For your own good, just go.”  
“You know I don’t need you to protect me.” she muttered, feeling resentful and yet knowing he was right.  
“I think I do. You are not great at protecting yourself.”  
“I’m the Captain”  
“Exactly,”he took her hand and kissed the knuckles gallantly like some old time knight.  
“Will I see you tomorrow?”  
“yeah, I’m not going anywhere” Chris let go of his hand reluctantly, fingers sliding apart slowly. Her communicator chirruped startling them both. She slapped it with more force than was really need. “Garrick here”  
“It’s Nadira sir, the Romulans are hailing us and also chief Visser has finished the analysis of the Scimitar wreckage.”  
“Tell the chief to come to bridge and advise the Romulans I will speak to them shortly. It took them three days to reply, they can wait 15 minutes. Garrick out” she looked at Tom.“I have to go.” she didn’t want to leave with so many things left unresolved between them, but duty came first.  
“there will be time, after this mission” he said, almost as if he read her thoughts.  
“Lets hope so.”


	28. Shadows of the Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> romulans being lying romulans, a large chunk of smutty shuttle sex.

Chris stared at her chief engineer in disbelief, “Tell me you are wrong,” she leaned against the bridge’s engineering console and fought to keep her face neutral. No use the crew seeing how worried she was.  
“No Sir, I’m positive” Visser, looked as horrified with his results as she was.   
“Okay now we know what the Romulans have been hiding” Chris rubbed the bridge of her nose.  
“Where did in hell Shinzon get Borg tech?” She demanded.  
“Maybe they salvaged a cube?” Nadira suggested, her blue skin had gone almost white.  
“There hasn’t been a recorded Borg incident in Romulan space for 10 years, believe me I know.” Even as she said the words a monstrous suspicion began to grow. Chris remembered everything about that last mission on the Enterprise, she had dropped a torpedo on the planet. She had been certain that everything had been destroyed by the corrosive atmosphere and the following explosion. “Visser, show me a schematic of the nanoprobes you found. Put it on the main view screen”  
“Aye Captain” Chris stared at the screen for a minute, she walked over to a console and silently pulled another schematic from the files, she overlaid the image on the first one and studied it, her heart sinking. “Of course,” she whispered darkly.   
“Captain, the Romulans are asking permission to beam Commander Donatra aboard” Welbeck informed her. Chris nodded.  
“Inform the Commander that she may beam over when ready. Escort her to my ready room, full security complement.”  
“Aye Sir” Welbeck practically saluted, Chris ignored him and addressed the bridge crew. “i want to know everything that moves in this system, full long range sensor sweeps. If the borg turn up we’ll be leaving immediately” she left them gaping and strode into her ready room.  
As soon as the doors closed Chris sagged, she had maybe five minutes to pull herself together, to be the federation representative, the Captian. It was hard, the shadowy part of her that was still that young lieutenant wanted to run screaming. She couldn’t give in though, that terrified youngster had never had a crew depending on her to keep them alive. Her crew, who were just as young and inexperienced as she had been; she couldn’t abandon them to the dark.  
The door chimed, Chris sat down at her desk and schooled her expression into calmness. “Come in”  
“Sit down Commander”  
“I’d rather stand,” Donatra radiated her habitual disdain.  
“I said sit down, we are all friends here after all” Chris insisted, trying to keep her voice dispassionate. Donatra sat smiling pleasantly, she seemed unfazed.  
“The senate has authorised me to inform you that we are fighting the Borg collective on our far border.”  
“I know.” Chris stood up and leaned across her desk.“Do you know what I did when I was in starfleet Commander?”   
“No.” Donatra raised a disinterested eyebrow.  
“I was an engineer, quite a good one. Which is how I know the nanoprobes we recovered from Shinzon’s ship, while a borg design, have a unique romulan flavour. A very familiar flavour.”  
“That wreckage is the property of the Romulan star empire, you will return it immediately” Donatra stood up and glared at Chris. Time to test the romulans nerve.   
“I will do no such thing, you attacked my runabout without provocation, if we are talking technicalities, your scout ships participated in an act of war.”  
“That is preposterous-”  
“Are you willing to risk another war Commander?” Chris met the flinty eyes unblinking.  
“ten years ago a single drone was recovered from the base on alpha hydra 5. it was kept for research purposes.” Donatra admitted.   
“Who adapted, it only takes one. And now I assume, they have called their friends in the delta quadrant.”  
“We under estimated their abilities”  
“How much of your space has been compromised?” Chris planted her fist on the table with a bang, it hurt but she didn’t care. It was worth it just to see Donatra flinch.  
“we are not sure.” Donatra admitted, the Romulan seemed ashamed. “Colonies vanish over night, we battle them on the border but somehow they slip through.”  
“I will need all your intelligence, all of it.” Chris growled.  
“I will have it downloaded to your computer Captain, as a sign of good faith and then?”   
“And then, you will get off my ship Commander and you will convey the federations disappointment and tell those lying senators of yours that they better pray we are feeling merciful.” If her reaction surprised Donatra she didn’t show it. She nodded curtly and marched out.   
Chris sat down, her body was shaking with rage and racked by irrational guilt. She clenched her fists, letting her nails bite into her palms. Anything to stop the scream she was sure was coming. It was like ripping open a half healed wound all the old hurt came flooding back. She had to get off the bridge, to calm herself. ‘what the hell am I supposed to do?’ she forced her breathing to slow down and scrubbed her face. After a couple of minutes she stood up and pushed all of the pain as far away as she could, the better to be composed for the crew. Chris walked on to the bridge and waited until she had their attention.  
“I am going to my quarters there are some things I need to research, there will be a briefing at 0600, in the meantime get this ship battle ready, we may be facing the borg.”  
Chris didn’t go to her quarters, her traitorous feet took her past her door, down to the shuttlebay and into the warm soft darkness of the maintenance bay. Tom wasn’t there, and that itself was like a blow to the chest. She hadn’t realised how much she needed to see him, until that second. Too late now, the panic was rising, the fear. She sat down in one of the alcoves back braced against the wall and let the silent tears slide down her face unchecked.

Tom’s dinner had been interrupted by an unscheduled battle drill, in which he had no assigned role. The rest of the crew were still at their stations and no one would tell him anything. He had started to forget he wasn’t really one of them, but the close lipped silence that met his enquiries was a sharp reminder. The only person likely to tell him any thing was the Captain, but that bastard Welbeck had told him she was locked away in her quarters and couldn’t be disturbed. So Tom was a little surprised when he found her huddled in a corner of the maintenance bay in the dark.  
“Captain, I wasn’t expecting a visit this evening,” he couldn’t help the smile that forced itself onto his lips.   
“Can’t you just call me by my name, please?” she looked utterly miserable. Tom hunkered down in front of her.   
“Chris,” her name felt odd on his tongue, “What happened.” she shook her head and looked away, he heard her sharp intake of breath as she swallowed a sob. “Tell me.”  
“It’s the borg, the Romulans are fighting the fucking borg.” she covered her eyes. It wasn’t his captain crouched on the floor, it was someone else. Someone scared and shaking with the effort of trying not to show it. He couldn’t just leave her like this, what if the crew saw? He gathered her into his arms and rocked her. She buried her face in his chest and sobbed like a child.  
“It’s going to be fine” he muttered, sounding unconvincing to his own ears.   
“I can’t do this, I can’t lose everything again.”  
“you won’t,”  
“the borg take it’s what they do.” the words were a mangled sob, hissed out through clenched teeth. Tom held her tighter, her fingers dug into his back holding on to him.  
“I’m here” he whispered in her ear.  
“This is my fault.”her voice was hoarse from suppressed heartbreak and old grief. Tom loosened his grip and stroked her hair gently. After a moment he leaned back a little and took the point of her chin in his hand. He smiled at her, over whelmed by deja vu. His breath stilled in his throat for a second, he let himself feel the thing he had been fighting against.  
“How can the borg be your fault? None of this is your fault.” the desolate look in her eyes was scaring him.  
“I missed something and now the borg are here” Tom had no idea what she was talking about, he wondered if she was in shock, he rubbed her back and hushed her. “I should of blown that moon to hell.”   
“shhh, it’s okay”  
“It’s always them, they killed Izzy, I lost Will, I can’t lose you”  
“Captain, I’m not going anywhere, ever.” he promised, he stared into her eyes urging her to believe him. “I promise you. You are my Captain. I couldn’t make myself leave you and I did try.” he chuckled and Chris gave him a small smile. “I could have taken that runabout and been halfway to the badlands by now. The borg are not going to take you away from me, I won’t let them.” he lifted her chin planting a kiss on the lips that quivered inches from his. He started to pull away, thinking that perhaps it was best to move before someone came in. The maintenance bay had few visitors, but some of the crew had taken to wandering in for a chat from time to time. Chris’ hands slipped up his neck and cradled his face.   
“Feel better?” he asked, wiping a stray tear from her cheek.  
“Yes.” She kissed him hungrily, her fingers played with the hair at the base of his neck. Tom allowed him self to drown in the almost forgotten joy of being held by another warm body, the illusionary safety of it.  
Gods he wanted her. Reluctantly, he disentangled her hands from their tight clasp round his neck and drew her to her feet.  
“Captain, we decided not to do this now.” he reminded her in a low voice, he was trapped in her eyes again. “Dammit, Chris, we can’t do this.”  
“Tom, I just found out that I gave up everything I loved for nothing, I don’t want to do that again. I need you, please-I-” she hugged her arms to her chest tightly.“I ” her mouth flinched as she restrained another sob.,   
“You know how I feel about you, but this is a bad idea,” Tom muttered, his resolve shattering against the beat in his blood. He looked at her, he could almost feel the misery radiating off of her, it made his heart ache.  
“my entire life has been a series of bad ideas.” She peered at him over her shoulder “How do you feel about me?” she asked quietly, Tom thought about it. He remembered how his heart had jolted in his chest, when he had found her waiting for him and the smile that had forced it self on to his face. He knew this twisty electric feeling that buzzed under his skin.  
“If romulus had a moon I’d be howling at it” he grinned and shyly slipped his arms around her waist.   
“where do you get these lines, Riker?” she actually laughed. Tom liked that, his Captain didn’t laugh enough.  
“It’s a gift,” he tightened his grip.  
“Cheesy lines is a pretty weird gift.”he shut her up with an uninhibited kiss, a long deep one. Chris relaxed into his embrace, her hands gripped his hips. Tom nipped the skin of her neck and let his tongue wander along the line of her jaw. She let out a little huff of pleasure, her head tilted back, her eyes half closed.  
“Seems to work.”  
“Commander, will you please stop teasing your Captain.” she whispered in his ear as she mouthed his ear lobe and crushed herself closer to him. Tom pulled away so he could look her in the eye.   
“Commander? Welbeck’s not going to like that”  
“It’s my ship, I do what I fucking want.”  
“I’m starting to get that,” he glanced around the bay. “not here though, as it I’m going to have to hack the security cameras again”  
“Welbeck checks those every morning,” her expression turned serious as harsh reality suddenly reasserted itself. Tom grinned nastily.  
“He only thinks he does, I’ve been editing out anything I don’t think he should see.” he could not resist winking.  
“You mean like me?”  
“yeah” he lifted a strand of hair from her face. “I told you I’d protect you, that wasn’t an idle promise”. He took her hand, “trust me?” 

Chris squeezed his fingers and laid her free hand against his chest, “you are my first officer, you are my friend, i-” She stopped and licked suddenly dry lips, no she couldn’t say the words, not yet. Those words hovered in the air unspoken between them, her fist clutched convulsively at the fabric of his uniform. “of course I trust you, what do you have in mind?”   
“Come with me, my Captain.” he grinned and the devil flashed in his eyes invitingly. Chris let him lead her to the back of the shuttle that still rested on the deck of the maintenance bay. He unlocked the door and pulled her inside.   
The door shut with a hiss, Chris started to shrug out of her uniform, “slow down” Tom said softly and stopped her hands. “Let me?” Chris managed a nod. Tom smiled at her and began to unzip her uniform shirt. She leaned back against a console to steady herself as his lips kissed the exposed skin. The soft kisses thrilled her skin as they cooled. Anticipation grew as he worked his way lower his fingers hooked over the waistband of her pants and drew them down to her thighs in a smooth motion. Tom was on his knees now. He teased her his tongue making wet spiral trails across her belly, before dipping lower, ever lower. She thrust her hips at the probing tongue, but he held her still, before very slowly kissing her inner thigh, first one side then the other. Chris looked down, he was staring at her, maybe waiting for her to look at him. As soon as she met that gaze he pulled her panties to one side and slowly deliberately sank his tongue inside her, blue eyes not leaving her face. She reached down and curled her fingers in his hair,.Her hips jerked against the hot wet deliciousness of his tongue, as it slipped against her own answering wetness. Tom grabbed her wrists and pinned her hand against the console, not hurting her just holding her still. He stood up, abruptly and rubbed the growing bulge in his pants against her belly. Chris was ready to explode.  
“Please”  
He stripped off his uniform, he was leaner than Will, she couldn’t help the inevitable comparison. His ribs showing under the hard muscle of his chest, his belly was taunt under her exploring fingers, his hip bones sharp. It was the scars that stole the breath from her, a map of abuse across his torso. Rough and knotty under her touch. She looked up at him with pity. “Tom, my god what happened.”  
“Please don’t ask me” he begged, “just let me-” she saw the fear in his eyes, knew what it was now. Terror of loss of control, the shadow of that Cardassian guard. He bowed his head against her naked shoulder, “Please don’t ask “  
“It’s okay” She whispered into his hair, “Whatever you need.”  
“just you, I just need you.” his hands explored her body, pushing and pulling the last of her clothes out of his way, she kicked off her boots so he could drag her pants down. Chris shivered as his long fingers grazed her back, from shoulder to hip then dipped once to slip inside her already soaking quivering folds. His dick was hard against the soft skin of her belly, she reached down and wrapped her fingers around it, Tom’s breath hissed out over his teeth. Their mouths smashed and bruised together, not a really kiss. Deeper than that, more violent, straining together in mutual frenzied want. Pain and pleasure tangling together, she wanted him right now, she ached for him, an urgent ache deep inside that made her want to scream in frustration. She raked her short nails down his back.  
“Tom please” she half sobbed half screamed into his chest. She wandered if he realised how much she wanted him. With Will it had been different, always slow, relaxed, practised. Tom was pure primal need, vulnerable, desperate, the words he whispered into her ear were half formed prayers.  
Maybe he had been waiting for Chris’ permission, maybe he didn’t hear her plea at all, but finally he picked her up and they slammed into the wall. He filled her up, pushing inside in one thrust, the now almost painful ache dissipated, leaving the other feeling the exquisite tension which just grew with every small movement. Instinctively she wrapped her legs around his hips, his hands gripped her thighs holding her up. She draped her arms around his neck and shifted a little, Tom moaned as he slipped deeper inside. “Tom fuck me” the tautness inside was unbearable, that weirdly pleasurable itch building. She ground down on his dick, bracing her back against the wall.   
“yes.” he held her steady, pulled out almost entirely, then slid back in, they both shuddered and gasped. Chris abandoned herself to the beat of her blood. Her body knew what it was doing, thought was not required here, there was just the salt of his skin, the touch of his lips and the heavenly friction of their joined bodies. she felt him come, a red hot pulse that seemed to go on forever the feel of it drove her own body harder. He pinned her against the wall and held her, his forehead resting against the curve of her shoulder while the last soul flaying shudder died away.   
They were both flushed and breathing hard, drenched in sweat. Tom’s skin was slick, his muscles shaking under her fingers, with aftershocks. Chris squeezed the tight curve of his buttocks and he lifted his head from her shoulder.  
“mmmmmmmm” His lips stretched into a wide satisfied grin.  
“You should probably put me down”  
“I suppose, I should” Tom blinked at her, gently they separated their still conjoined bodies. Chris’ legs felt like jelly and she held tightly to Tom. “Captain, did we have a good reason for not doing that before?”  
“probably, but right now I can’t remember what it was.” Chris took a deep breath, the air was full of the smell of sex, of them.  
“I think I’m going to lie on the floor.” Tom said softly.  
“I think that is a good idea.” They both collapsed down on the deck and stared in silence at the ceiling as their breathing returned to normal. Tom reached out and caught her hand.  
“The last time I was promoted, when I made lieutenant, I just got a cake.” Chris heard laughter in his voice.  
“At least you stood to attention” she retorted grinning, she couldn’t help herself and they dissolved into giggles, like a couple of teenagers.  
“You know this is not an appropriate relationship between senior officers” Tom pointed out. “I think it might actually be worse than fucking a shuttle mechanic.” he was joking, but Chris felt suddenly cold. She was after all a section 31 Captain, even in starfleet this would be a big deal.   
“do you want to stop?” She asked half dreading the answer, “Because you are right this is not good, if command find out-”  
“Chris, my Captain look at me,”she turned her head to meet his gaze, he squeezed her fingers, “I, I uh” his tongue stumbled, he stopped looked away, his chest hitching as he took a deep ragged breath “The way I feel about you, when I’m with you” he stopped and shook his head as if arguing with himself. Chris sat up and turned his face back, she could feel the heat of his embarrassment radiating under her touch.“I don’t think I have the words, what ever I say will sound stupid.” he bit his lip and sat up, “but, this feels right, you and me.”  
“I know, I don’t want to stop,” she traced the scar on his chest with a finger tip.  
“I don’t want to either, so lets not?.”  
“Agreed” His fringe was hanging in his eyes, Chris brushed it back tenderly. he was still smiling at her. Her breath stilled in her throat, Tom was so beautiful in that moment, it scared her.  
“Are you alright” Tom asked startling her out her daze.  
“I was just-doesn’t matter,” She smiled at him, then shrieked as Tom grabbed her waist and bore her down next to him on the floor his arms round her waist. He snuggled up against her and sighed happily. Chris wished she could stay right there and sleep in that warm embrace, but they had other problems.   
“Tom?” She whispered his name.   
“What?”  
“I hate to tell you this but we need to get dressed.”  
“I really don’t want to move”  
“Don’t make me order you. You ripped my uniform” Chris muttered in mock annoyance.  
“Then you shouldn’t be so sexy” he leaned over for a kiss, but yelped as her lips brushed his.  
“oh” Chris ran a finger along his bottom lip which was swelling up, he flinched. “I think I bit you.”   
“It’s fine. By the look of those bruises, we’re even” he ran a gentle finger over her shoulders, Chris’ turn to flinch. “I didn’t mean to do that sorry”  
“I didn’t even feel them, I had more pressing matters on my mind.”  
“I suppose you did,” his eyes beckoned her and his hand caressed her hip. Chris smiled.  
“sorry, I’ve got to go to the bridge, before someone wonders where I am.” she whispered and kissed his dirty grin.  
“This is unfair on so many levels” Tom snorted and rolled over. He watched her dress, clearly enjoying the spectacle.“We could runaway, just run.”  
“You know we can’t do that, it’s the borg Tom. We couldn’t run far enough.” she leaned down and planted a kiss on his forehead, “get cleaned up, I’m going to need you on the bridge, Number one.”


	29. it’s just like deja vu, me standing here with you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> long distance phone calls and calling in favours..

Chris tended not use the Georgiou’s briefing room very often, it was an odd space. Too dark, too sparse, all shiny surfaces and sharp corners. There was something faintly goulish about the way the light caught her assembled senior officers faces, making them look yellow and corpse like. The sickly light made the ship’s Doctor, a reclusive Kelpian called Arius resemble some kind of fairy tale monster. Chris let her eyes rest briefly on each of her officers in turn, Welbeck, Visser, Nadira and at the far end of the table, Tom. He was looking distinctly uncomfortable and avoiding the curious and in Welbeck’s case, hostile, gazes of his crew mates.   
“Morning, I trust you all slept well, it may be the last time for a while” Chris didn’t wait for a response, instead she activated the tables holographic display. An image of a familiar star system appeared revolving a few centimetres above the shiny surface. “Ten years ago I was part of a mission to Alpha hydra 5-”  
“Captain, was this when you were serving on the Enterprise?” Nadira interrupted. Chris bit back a harsh reply, it was just Nadira’s way. The young Andorian had questionable social skills.  
“Yes actually, it was my last mission as a starfleet officer.”Just a touch of pain accompanied the memory, Tom had stopped his in-depth study of the table top and was looking at her, understanding dawning in his eyes. “We learned that the Romulans were experimenting with salvaged borg tech, it was thought we had eliminated the threat. But it seems the Romulans salvaged some of their research and predictably the borg adapted.” Different reactions from each of them, fear mostly. Visser shifted in his seat.  
“captain, i was at Wolf 359 ” the red headed dutch man looked pensive. “is this another invasion attempt?”  
“Honestly Visser, at this moment we don’t know, but I need to be very clear” She took a breath and gripped the three gold pips in her palm tightly. “Because that is what we may be facing, war, with the borg.”  
“What does command say?” Welbeck demanded, for once his voice was devoid of it’s snide tone, he sounded scared. Chris couldn’t blame him.  
“They want us to assess and investigate the situation. Before the federation council approves an offensive of any kind into Romulan sovereign space.” Chris paused, she caught Tom’s eye. “To facilitate our mission, I need all the experienced officers I can get.” she stood up,“Mr Riker come here” she said stiffly and ignored the confused looks from her crew. Tom stood up, pulled his uniform straight. He approached her slowly, Chris reached up and one at a time, attached the pips to his collar. She saw him swallow as her fingers brushed against his neck. His eyes shot her a brief look of consternation, as if he hadn’t thought she was serious until that moment. “I hereby promote you to the field rank of commander.”  
“Thank you sir”  
“Sit down number one” she told him and pointed to the empty chair next to her. “I need suggestions about how to proceed. Mr. Welbeck, anything in the data the Romulans provided?” Welbeck did not seem to enjoy being asked he goldfished for a moment.  
“well, um, There is a lot of long range sensor data to go through, that might show us where they are coming from”  
“Did you examine the data at all Mr Welbeck?” Chris allowed a spark of annoyance enter her tone and pursed her lips.   
“I made a start Captain but” his voice trailed off. Chris closed her eyes, she didn’t have time to deal with Welbeck’s lazy incompetence.   
“Nadira, assist Mr Welbeck in his analysis.”   
“Yes Sir.” Nadira sat up straighter practically vibrating. The young andorian shot Welbeck a triumphant look.  
“I need suggestions.” Chris slapped her hand on the table.  
“Captain?” Tom sounded hesitant, Chris nodded to him. “I’m confused if the Borg are here why are they not assimilating territory? Right now they seem to be sweeping in removing populations then disappearing.”  
“Your point number one?” It was hard to keep her face neutral, just meeting his gaze made her want to smile.  
“I suppose the question is why do they need so many drones?”  
“A work force perhaps?” Visser interjected. It made sense, Chris felt dread bubble in her belly. She shared a worried look with Tom.  
“But for what?” Doctor Arius voicing what they were all thinking.  
“I guess we will have to find out, Mr Visser reconfigure the long range sensors to search for tachyon bursts, if a borg cube appears I want to know instantly” A tentative idea was forming.  
“Aye sir.”  
“Tom run a level four diagnostic on the cloak, we need to be as close to undetectable as possible”  
“What are you thinking Captain?” Chris felt his fingers brush gently against her leg, trying to reassure her.  
“First Borg cube that we spot. We are going to follow them we need intel and I do not like operating in the dark. You have your assignments dismissed.” Chris stood up. Tom paused beside her for a moment as the double doors shut on the departing bridge crew.   
“Are you all right Captain?”He asked in a low voice, the blue eyes that searched her face were full of concern, his fingertips grazed her wrist and slipped down to briefly grip her hand. Reluctantly, Chris broke the physical contact and took a step away, they were not safe here.  
“I’m fine” Chris muttered, it was a lie. She could tell Tom knew too. He went very still, his hand hovered for a moment then dropped back down by his side “You have the bridge number one” she reminded him.  
“Yes, my Captain.” he held her gaze for a moment longer, ‘i’m here’ he mouthed at her and a ghostly smile twitched his lips. The sick feeling in her belly lessened a little, she nodded. His message received Tom left, throwing her a mischievous wink over his shoulder.   
Chris sat back down at the table and rubbed the bridge of her nose, maybe she shouldn’t have dragged Tom into this. But she needed him on the bridge, she needed his experience and that outweighed everything else or at least that was the lie she was telling herself..  
“What the hell am I going to do?” she asked herself softly.“Computer is admiral Janeway in communications distance?”  
“Yes”  
“Call her.” Chris bit her nails while she waited for the admiral to respond, it didn’t take long.  
“Captain Garrick, I’ve been expecting your call.”  
“sorry to disturb you Admiral Janeway, I find myself in need of some advice.”  
“I thought you might” The Admiral leaned forward in her chair and propped her chin on her hand.“I heard you have a new first officer, interesting choice.”  
“a complaint from Welbeck by any chance? That was quick, even for him.”  
“Mr Welbeck feels the appointment of a convicted felon, is inappropriate. Knowing Welbeck as I do I assume this is motivated by spite, but I must admit I am a little concerned Captain.”  
“Well it’s not the first time an ex maquis has become a useful member of star fleet or section 31 for that matter, just taking a leaf out of your book Admiral”  
“Flattery won’t get you anywhere Chris, are you sure he is trustworthy?”  
“Yes”  
“And you are not allowing your previous relationship with” Janeway frowned “ William Riker to cloud your judgement.”  
“I need him” Chris heard the urgency in her own voice “For the good of my crew.” Chris wondered if Janeway had noticed the infinitesimal pause. The sudden stillness of her superiors face indicated she had. “Admiral I am out here alone, with a ridiculously inexperienced crew and with no idea when the borg will show up. I need all the experienced officers I can get.”  
“I suppose I can’t argue with that, we are trying to co-ordinate a response, but the fact this is in sovereign Romulan space is giving the federation council jitters.”  
“If they don’t make a decision soon, it may be too late.”  
“I am aware Captain, I’m dispatching more ships to patrol the neutral zone. But the Georgiou is the only ship currently authorised to enter their space.”  
“Feeling a little lonely here Kate.” Chris tapped her fingers on her desk.  
“Now that I do understand.” Jane way paused, she smiled. “also explains why you suddenly decided you need a first officer, after telling me you didn’t need one for the last four years.”  
“well if something happens to me, I don’t think Mr Welbeck would be up to the job. Tom sacrificed his freedom to keep his crew out of cardassian hands. I think I can trust him to get these kids of mine out of trouble.”  
“piece of advice Captain?” Janeway leaned forward a little, “if you don’t think you are going to win, you probably won’t.” she looked down at a padd on her desk. “how do you plan to proceed?”  
“i’m going to try and stalk the next cube that we find, if we find one. See if we can work out what they are up too.”  
“A risky plan, but under the circumstances I can’t think of anything better.” Janeway paused, her eyes narrowed. “Chris, you may have to stand by while people are assimilated. Do you think your crew can handle that? Can you handle that?”  
“Honestly Kate, I can’t answer that with any certainty.” Chris met the Admiral’s gaze and held it for a moment. Janeway nodded as if agreeing with some internal monologue.  
“Keep me informed and be careful Captain.”  
“Aye Admiral  
“And Captain” Janeway held up a finger, Chris had been reaching for the cut off button. She snapped her fingers back. “Tom Riker? I’ll allow it for now. But when you get back to headquarters we should have a serious talk, do you understand me?”  
“Yes” Chris muttered, Janeway cut the call. Chris let out a breath, she had caught the Admiral’s not so subtle warning. “Shit.”

Tom walked out on to the bridge, he didn’t miss the ugly glare Welbeck sent in his direction. Rolling his neck in a desperate attempt to release the tension making his shoulders ache he headed over to the command chair. How long had it been since he had sat in the big chair? Long enough that it felt odd, like he was play acting. He glanced round the bridge officers in turn they were all looking at him. “Is there a problem?” he deliberately kept his voice silky soft, best to deal with this now. He would less than useless to Chris if the crew wouldn’t follow his orders and they didn’t have the time for him be nice about it. ‘time to be the bastard they think you are’ he told himself. He glared most of the crew turned back to their stations, except Welbeck whose belligerent glare sharpened. He looked away and muttered something under his breath. Tom nodded to himself and smiled, ‘got you’  
“I beg your pardon Mr Welbeck, please speak up so the class can hear you.” Tom stroked his beard thoughtfully and raised an eyebrow. Welbeck squirmed in his seat.  
“i said you don’t have to sit in the Captains chair, sir.” The lieutenants voice was a paltry squeak, Tom watched his eyes darting round the bridge, clearly he was expecting more support.  
“Mr welbeck, I will sit where ever I damn well like, I am the first officer and unless you would like me to tell the captain exactly what it is you do in your off hours, you will remember that” Tom let a smirk crawl across his face. Welbeck’s eyes bulged and he went pleasingly pale.  
“Yes sir, sorry sir.”  
Chris walked back on to the bridge, Tom jumped up from her seat. “Relax number one, I’m heading for engineering.” she flapped a dismissive hand at him. Tom sat back down and watched her disappear through the turbolift doors, wondering if anyone else had seen the half smile that had flashed across her face. The tiniest of smiles and yet his pulse stilled for a moment and goosebumps prickled the back of his neck. Suddenly aware he had been staring after his Captain for longer than was appropriate; he tore his eyes away from the turbolift doors and stared pensively at the view screen instead. Tom was worried, it wasn’t just the borg, it was Chris. There was something different about her, a desperation almost.   
Chris was right they couldn’t run, not from the borg. There was no point, they would always be one step behind. Tom tapped his fingers morosely on the arms of the command chair , still no word from section 31 or star fleet. He wondered about that, it was the borg for gods sake, shouldn’t the cavalry be on it’s way?  
The diagnostic Chris had ordered him to run was happily purring away, he could monitor it from anywhere on the ship. He picked up the padd he was using and flicked his eyes over at Welbeck.  
“Lieutenant Welbeck, you have the bridge.” Tom stood up. Welbeck vacated his station and crossed the bridge. “Get some help with the holo-addiction, Sebastian.” Tom hissed in his ear before heading for Chris’ ready room.  
“Computer is the USS Titan in hailing distance?” Tom asked quietly already regretting what he was about to do.  
“Yes”  
“Hail them on a secure channel.” Tom sat behind Chris’ desk and flipped the monitor upright.  
“What do you want?” Will growled without preamble. Tom studied his so called brother for a moment. Time had clearly been kinder to Will, there was a lot less grey in his hair and his forehead had fewer lines.  
“Good to see you too Will, I heard you finally made captain”   
“what is it Tom? I’m busy, I have a ship to run.”  
“I need your help” it was hard to get the words out, his twin just scowled at him.  
“I’m not helping you out of what ever mess you have got yourself into, Goodbye”  
“Please just wait, it’s not for me.” Tom pleaded. Will sat back in his chair arms folded and raised an eyebrow. “it’s Chris.”  
“Is she okay” Will asked quietly, Tom read the guilt in Will’s face.  
“yes and no, we found out the romulans have been fighting the borg. That is the reason Shinzon was able to seize the senate so easily, the scimitar also used borg hybrid tech.”   
“the borg?” Will repeated, “You are sure? we are patrolling the neutral zone, but I hadn’t been told why”  
“Yeah, we’re sure. She is really shaken up, I’m worried she may do something unwise.”  
“Unwise? What do you mean?”  
“I don’t know” he admitted angrily.  
“Then Tom I’m not sure what you expect me to do?” Will’s eyes narrowed suddenly as he spotted the fresh new pips on Tom’s collar “When did you become a Commander” he demanded.  
“My Captain, needed experienced officers.”Tom explained with a blank stare. Will’s eyebrows shot up, but he seemed to except the explanation.  
“Tom you should go through the proper channels, I do not have the authorisation to enter Romulan space.”  
“Then get it, we are stuck with no back up.”  
“Look Tom I get that you are worried about your Captain, I’m actually pleased you found somewhere you belong. But there is not much I can do without official orders”  
“Will I’m begging you! You owe her,” he slammed his fist into the desk “you left her in that prison to rot”  
“Tom don’t you think you may be over identifying a little?”  
“It’s not that, christ Will!, you don’t-” Tom snapped his teeth shut and took a breath trying to steady his anger, screaming at his brother wouldn’t help anybody. “Please, Will.”   
“Oh” Will said quietly sudden enlightenment dawning in his eyes, “So you and Chris?”  
“Yes, you have a problem with that?” it came out as a possessive growl.  
“No but-”  
“but what?” Tom fought the urge to cut the connection. Will wasn’t even doing anything wrong, but seeing him like this, captains pips on his collar, sat in his ready room, on his ship; it brought the old resentments boiling back with a fresh sting.  
“Are you sure you should be sleeping with your captain? it’s not a good idea”  
“You know what? Forget it Will, I should have called Picard.”he reached out to cut the call.  
“just wait Tom, I’m sorry” Will groaned. “has she told you much about when we were together?” Will stroked his beard thoughtfully.  
“not much”  
“It was intense,”Will smiled, a small nostalgic smile and shook his head ruefully. It was probably a good thing there were several light years between them, Tom wanted to punch him. “It always felt like we did everything at warp 9.9.”  
“do you have a point? Because I’m not really enjoying this trip down memory lane.”  
“Yes I have a point” it was Will’s turn to sound angry, “be sure about this Tom. Chris did not deserve what happened to her.”  
“What you let happen to her” Tom spat back, remembering the way she had held on to him as all the repressed pain had gushed out, his back still bore bruises from her terrified grip.  
“I didn’t let-”Will’s voice was low, dangerous.  
“Yes you did!” Tom wanted to laugh, at the sheer cognitive dissonance Will was displaying, “If you really cared about her you wouldn’t have left her there, you’d have torn down the damned walls.”   
“You love her don’t you,” not a question, a statement of fact. Tom knew he was gaping like an idiot, but Will’s response had caught him flat footed.  
“Yes,” Tom couldn’t look at him, didn’t want him to see how much it cost him to admit that he cared about another human being. “Are you going to help me or not?”  
“I’m not sure what you want me to do.”  
“Just get permission to enter Romulan space, or at least try.” Tom realised he was begging, but what did it matter. Will owed him, he owed Chris. His brother looked away, Tom heard his breath hiss between his teeth in frustration.  
“Alright, I can try. But try not to need us and look after your Captain.”


	30. Cards on the table, we're both showing hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> smut and plot.. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

‘look after your Captain’ Will’s final words echoed mockingly around Tom’s head for the next few hours. He resented the implication serious or not that he would ever let anything happen to Chris. Will after all had been the one who had failed her, not him. The diagnostic was finished and showed the Georgiou was as invisible as anything her size could possibly be. Tom sent Chris the results and then feeling at a loose end took some time to walk the ship.   
He checked in with the various departments, trying to at least act the part of first officer even if he felt like an imposter. he was impressed with the equanimity the crew seemed to have accepted his promotion. He had expected more resistance, but so far so good. One less problem to worry about that just left the borg and the fact that he was desperately deeply in love with his captain. His Captain who was still in engineering when he went to check in with Visser.  
Tom stood and watched her, uncertain whether to interrupt or not. ‘you are the first officer’ he reminded himself, “You are allowed to talk to the Captain.” he took a couple of steps forward and coughed politely. Chris acknowledged his presence with an austere nod.  
“Number one, thought you were on the bridge”  
“I uh,” He stuttered aware of chief Visser’s curious eyes on him. “I thought you might like to discuss the department heads reports.” Chris turned to face him, he could see she was fighting off a smile.  
“I’ve already received Mr Visser’s report, you might as well brief me on the others.” She walked away and gestured for him to join her under the towering blue white light of the warp core.  
“I always feel more at home in engineering.” she said softly and smiled.  
“i remember, you never wanted to be Captain.” he whispered hoping no one was listening, Chris half shrugged.  
“Needs must when the devil drives, I think I’m quite good at it..” They looked up at the warp core together.  
“You are,” Tom felt a gossamer light touch on the back of his hand.  
“I need to talk to you.”  
“Of course Captain, about what?” She didn’t answer him straight away, her shoulders went very stiff, her gaze didn’t waver from the idling core.  
“Not here, later.” For a second her expression was filled with worry, then she mastered her face. “I take it all departments are ready?”  
“Yeah ships running perfectly.” Tom assured her.  
“Good it needs to be.” Her voice shook a little, Tom studied her profile. Her expression remained neutral, but he could see the tension in her jaw. Her fists were clenched tight, the skin of her knuckles turning white from the pressure.  
“Are you going up to the bridge?” he asked trying to sound formal, there were engineers in earshot after all.  
“Yes, I ought to check in”  
“I’ll accompany you.”  
“Of course Number one.”   
Tom followed her out, she walked quickly and he had to lengthen his stride to catch up. Chris didn’t speak, Tom stayed silent as well. He couldn’t think of anything helpful to say, he just wanted to hold her. Eventually they came to a deserted stretch of corridor. Tom glanced round, there was a weapons locker on the right hand side.  
“We should double check the phaser rifles.” he said loudly. Chris frowned at him and then s nodded as comprehension dawned.   
Tom paused by the door and thumbed the lock which scanned his fingerprint and dna then slid open with a slight whoosh. He stood aside and let Chris enter first, then stepped inside himself.  
“You wanted to talk to me? We will be okay here for a couple of minutes.”  
“It’s going to take more than a couple of minutes” he didn’t like the look in her eyes.  
“You’re worried.” not a question a statement of fact.   
“Yes.” Her eyes strayed to the floor, Tom folded her into his arms. She held herself away, then melted against him with a sigh.”I never thought that the one bad decision I made would come back to bite me in the ass, at least not like this.”  
“You couldn’t have known, we all have 20/20 hindsight.”  
“I should have run a scan, I was more worried about getting Will out of there alive.”  
“And I’m glad you did, otherwise we would never had met. I’d probably be dead right now”  
“you don’t know that”  
“I do, do you think if any other section 31 ship had picked me up I would still be here?” she didn’t answer, Tom kissed the top of her head and hugged her tightly.”Don’t start second guessing yourself.”  
“I think Admiral Janeway knows about us.”  
“What do you think she will do?”  
“I don’t know, hopefully just transfer one of us” the hopelessness in her eyes hurt, he gave in and kissed her.  
“I am not leaving you.”he stroked her hair back from her face and kissed her harder. Chris buried her face in his chest.  
“We should really get back to the bridge” she muttered into his chest, her grip on his waist tightened.  
“I know”  
“I really don’t want to let go”  
“Me neither” they clung together for a few seconds longer, then Tom let his fingers slip away and loosened his arms. Chris stepped away and pulled her uniform straight.  
“Ready?” she held out her hand, he squeezed it briefly.  
“Not really, but when has that ever mattered?” 

Tom opened the jefferies tube’s hatch and slithered inelegantly out, in the near total darkness he misjudged how far away the floor was and hit the deck. With no time to brace himself, his chest took most of the weight making his breath hiss out in a pained rush, his ribs screamed at him. He clamped his mouth shut, but it was too late he had already disturbed the sleeper. For a second a dark form was outlined against the star field and then before he could gasp another word out, there was a knee in his back and what felt like a phaser pressed against his temple. “Chris it’s me”  
The knee was removed from his back, he rolled over. Chris was standing over him, he could hear her breathing fast. “Half lights” she snorted at the computer, Now he could see her face, Tom was wondering if perhaps this had been a bad idea.“What are you doing here? I could have killed you.”  
“I wanted to see you.”  
“By sneaking in through the jefferies tube?”  
“it was a lot more romantic in my head” he grinned up at her. She shook her head, clearly trying not to smile.  
“Thought you had claustrophobia” she held out a hand Tom grasped it firmly and let her haul him to his feet.  
“I do, my hearts still hammering” he lifted her hand and held it against his ribs, His heart was still racing from climbing through the maze of narrow maintenance tunnels. Chris’ fingers flexed against his uniform, she looked up at him with alarm in her eyes.  
“Tom you shouldn’t have put yourself through that, not for me.”  
“I know this whole mission is hurting you, I just don’t think you should have to deal with that alone.” he cradled her face, and leaned down to press his forehead against hers. “And I missed you.”  
“I missed you too,” her fingers curled in his hair. “But we have to be careful.”  
“Easier said than done.” he lifted her face and planted a longing painful kiss on her lips, they parted reluctantly, breathing hard and unable to look each other in the eyes.“I hate this,” Tom couldn’t help the resentment cracking his voice.  
“I do too” A sad smile crooked her mouth, “You should go, the bio-monitors will have already picked up that you are here. You are now my first officer it’s inappropriate for you to spend the night in the captain’s quarters.”  
“I suppose I had better go. But-” Tom glanced around as if someone was listening.  
“But what”  
“What would you think if I told you I hacked the bio feed and security protocols for this deck?”  
“I’d think you were a crazy person and I would ask how?”  
“Better you don’t know, remember I used to be a wanted criminal.” he saw the smile she was trying to suppress and grinned at her. “So I could stay? if you want me too.” he mused and raised an eyebrow.  
“Still dangerous” Chris said, even so her fingers found the fastening of his uniform shirt and pulled it open.  
“Yeah” Tom gripped the hem of the tank top she was wearing and pulled it over her head in one quick motion, “Anyone could just ring the doorbell.” her skin was hot and her muscles rippled under his hands, he pulled her against him and ran a teasing finger down her spine. They stumbled awkwardly towards the bed, shedding the rest of their clothes with an inelegant urgency.  
Chris snagged his waist and dropped him with surprising deftness onto the mattress. Tom smiled up at her as she straddled him. He couldn’t resist reaching down and running his palms along the inside of her thighs. Chris made a rude noise and to Tom’s disappointment grabbed his wrists, pinning them on the pillow above his head.  
“I’m sorry-” she silenced him with a finger to his lips. There was a suggestion in her eyes Tom couldn’t quite read. “What?” he asked softly, Chris smiled and looked down, then further down at him. Her tongue skimmed her lips and she raised an eyebrow, realisation dawned. “oh-okay,” he managed to whisper as anticipation tightened his chest. The smile on Chris’ face turned into a devilish grin.  
“You sure? I know you like being in charge.”   
“Are you teasing me?”  
“is it working?”her lips touched his neck spreading goosebumps.  
“Yes,” She was working her way lower, her tongue flicked against Tom’s nipples, first one then the other while her hand slipped between their bodies to gently cup his balls. A single finger caressed a spot that Tom had forgotten existed. His back arched and he thumped back down on the mattress with a groan. His body spasmed again as her mouth closed around his already hardening cock, delicious warmth began to pool in his belly. Now he really wanted to howl at the moon. He looked down and tangled his fingers in her hair. He rammed his buttocks back into the mattress, resisting the urge to fuck the warm wet mouth. Her tongue was teasing him sliding round his shaft, he gripped the sheet “god” he half sobbed into the pillow. The fingers touched him again then grasped the firm aching flesh of his cock and squeezed. He wanted to be inside her, wanted to throw her down on the bed and-“You now” he managed to gasp, he pushed her teasing lips away. Chris looked up at him, “Please?”  
“Alright” Tom sat up and pulled her against him, her legs wrapped round his hips. Chris was wet against his cock, she groaned softly and rubbed her self against him. Tom sucked at the nape of her neck, her hand snaked up his back and held him there, her fingers clutching at his hair. There was a moment of pure fire as Chris lowered herself onto his cock. Tom threw his head back and closed his eyes, savouring the friction and the pull building in his muscles. Chris was breathing hard her hands flexed in his hair. She grabbed his face and planted hir lips on his, their teeth clicked with the force of it. Tom was already coming he gripped her hips and poured himself inside her, Chris came a moment later.   
Tom held her while the shivers died down, rubbing her back afraid that maybe he had hurt her in his haste. He felt a little ashamed at that, for a horrible second, he caught himself wondering how he compared to his brother. He banished the thought feeling like an insecure moron.  
“Hey, Tom” Chris touched his face, fingers tracing the scar on his face.   
“Sorry zoned out.” he smiled, the brief darkness irradiated by a burst of dizzy happiness. ‘you love her’ his brain screamed at him. Tom let himself fall backwards on to the mattress, he stared at the ceiling, Chris tucked herself next to him her fingers playing with his chest hair. Now he had acknowledged the feeling, it was like being in free fall and he was watching the ground rushing towards them. Suddenly Tom was terrified, he hugged Chris impulsively. She snorted and wriggled in his arms until she had shifted him into a more comfortable position.  
“Can I ask about these now?”she spread her hand across the tangle of scars on his chest.  
“Nothing to tell, lets just say the Cardassian guards did not appreciate the presence of a starfleet officer in their facility. They could be quite inventive.” he pushed the memory away, stroked a hand down her back. His fingers traced the knotted crescent of the sand hunters bite. “Everybody has scars, it doesn’t matter”.  
“It does,” She caught his chin in an iron grip and looked deep into his eyes. “you are allowed to admit to pain” she released his chin and laid her head on his chest.  
“it’s not pain, not any more”  
“What do you mean?”  
“It’s fear.” A little more of the bravado flaked away with that confession. “I’m scared” his chest was suddenly tight, saying it, uttering the words dragged the feeling to the surface. Chris went very still in his arms, then shifted so her head was pillowed on his shoulder. He felt her lips brush the skin of his neck.  
“it’s okay” she whispered, Tom curled his fingers round hers. He took a deep breath, half scared to say the words trapped in his throat.   
“I think I’m in love with you.” he sat up, suddenly not wanting to see her reaction. “You don’t have to say it back. I understand it’s a lot. I just wanted you to know.” he swung his legs out of bed and sat there, the admission made him feel ill. A pit opened up in his belly as he waited for Chris to respond. She had been quiet for too long, Tom felt the rejection like a blow, he sucked in a deep breath. It had only taken a fraction of a second, but the desolate loneliness of his years marooned on that rock flooded back. “Maybe I should go.” Chris’ arms encircled his waist, halting his flight.  
“Tom, I love you” she said the words quietly and kissed his cheek, her breath tickled his ear. It was hard to believe her, did she mean it? Or was she just saying the words to make him happy? He hugged her arms against his chest more tightly. “There’s nothing to be scared of.”   
“you don’t- ” he paused how could he explain the way he was feeling? He tried again, “i had nothing, I was ready to die in your brig. I was ready for it to finally be over.” he licked his lips and stared at the floor, tears prickled his eyes. Angry at himself and feeling horribly vulnerable he rubbed them away. “i don’t want to go back to feeling like that, I can’t.”   
“You won’t have to. I promise. Come on love, lie down we can sleep for a little while.”  
“I should get back to my quarters.”  
“Not yet.” A kiss to the back of his neck, her hands tugged at him. “Lie down.”  
“Do you mean it?” he couldn’t help asking, he wanted certainty, assurance. “It’s been a long time since I have said that to anyone.”  
“some where in that head of yours ,you know I do.” he let her drag him down and cover them both with the sheet, she curled against his back. Warm, solid, real and his, just his. “Go to sleep, idiot” she muttered into his shoulder. The constant chirping of her communicator, dragged Chris from what was for once a deep dreamless sleep. She sat up and blinked. Beside her Tom slumbered on, the pillow scrunched up under his head, oblivious to the insistent warble. Chris sighed and picked up the badge, she pressed it with more vehemence than was strictly required.  
“Garrick here”  
“It’s Welbeck sir” Chris detected a hint of panic in her junior officers voice, that didn’t mean anything, Welbeck had a tendency to panic about everything.  
“What do you want lieutenant?”  
“We have detected a transwarp signature in the Wanli system, it’s 3 light years from our current position.” So that explained the fear, Chris took a breath to steady herself. ‘I’m not ready’ she thought bleakly.  
“Lay in a course, warp 8. I’ll join you on the bridge shortly.”  
“Aye sir, and captain?”  
“Yes Lieutenant?” Chris rolled her eyes.   
“I tried calling the first officer but he is not responding” Chris glanced guiltily at Tom, now sprawled on his back, sleeping peacefully.  
“Don’t worry Mr Welbeck, I’ll take care of it.”


	31. Some things are destined to be -- it just takes us a couple of tries to get there

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pure fluffy angst. trust me it will be important for later.

“Where are they now!” Chris snapped at Welbeck as soon as she stepped foot on the bridge, “And get the hell out of my chair” the Lieutenant practically jumped out of the command chair. Chris didn’t miss the swift glare, Welbeck directed at Tom who was a step behind her. She sat down, “Well lieutenant, where are the borg?”  
“Still on course for the Wanli system  
“What do we know about the Wanli system?  
Welbeck gaped at her, Tom made a disgusted noise and pushed him out of the way. He stared at a screen for a moment, Chris saw his shoulders sag.   
“According to our database, two romulan colonies on the two inner planets.”  
“Population?” Chris asked, not really wanting the answer.  
“50,000” Tom looked up at her, horrified.“How soon can we get there at maximum warp?” he asked. Chris shook her head.  
“three hours,” she ran the sum in her head instantly, it wasn’t quick enough. He was looking at her in confusion. “Number one, I need to speak to you in my ready room.” She stood up, “Now, Commander. Ensign Nadira increase our speed to warp 9.8”

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do” Chris admitted she walked to the window and stared out at the rushing stars, a horrible sense of deja vu clouding her mind. She heard Tom cross the floor, his hands settled on her shoulders, his reflected gaze was painfully troubled.  
“All those people” he whispered softly, his voice trailing off. “What does command say?”  
“Wait and follow” Chris dropped her gaze to the floor, meeting his eyes was too hard. He embraced her roughly, holding her against his chest. “Tom, I can’t -”  
“I know, me neither.”he held on to her for a moment longer, breath tickling her neck before he let go. Chris heard the chair creak as he sat down heavily.  
“Any suggestions number one?”   
“None that would help.”he made an angry noise,”They expect us just to sit back while people die?”  
”They won’t die. They will be assimilated, which I am reliably informed is actually worse.” Chris reminded him. She squeezed her eyes shut for a moment to stop the tears that prickled her eyes from escaping.  
“I know.” Tom muttered.   
“I did some shady stuff in the war, but I never had to standby and let people die.” Chris shook herself and turned round, Tom was watching her, his eyes narrowed and his index finger stroking his beard. “What are you thinking?” she sat down opposite him.  
“Honestly? Mostly that I hate seeing you like this.” he smiled weakly, “but also, that we can’t just do nothing. I don’t want the assimilation of thousands on my conscience.”  
“our orders are very specific.” They shared a look, Tom reached across the desk and loosely held her hand. Chris rubbed his fingers listlessly, trying to ignore the dull panic that was ghosting the edges of her thoughts. “What about my crew? I will be expecting them to disobey direct orders, putting them at unnecessary risk.”  
“Then maybe you should ask them? Or maybe you should start trusting them to make the right decision?” there was something, some inflection in his voice that snagged Chris’ attention.  
“do you think I don’t trust you?”she asked softly, Tom’s grip on her hand tightened.  
“Fuck, Chris no, no that is not what I meant.” he whispered shaking his head. “You can’t always protect people, I learned that the hard way.”  
“I don’t understand your point.” That was a lie, she did understand, she just didn’t want to admit it.   
“When I got out, I went looking for my maquis friends. Some of them were in prison, but most of them were dead. I tried to protect them, but they still died.”  
“I just want to protect my crew, is that so bad.” angry, she snatched her hand away and folded her arms.  
“No, but you have a habit of throwing yourself in the fire.”  
“Now you are being overly dramatic.” Chris bit her lip and picked up a padd from her desk .  
“You might be right” Tom stood up, spreading his hands wide, “in which case, fine. So tell me you are not planning something stupid?”  
“Tom-”  
“Chris you have a history” He said quietly. “and the way you are right now is scaring me”  
“What” cold fury gripped crawled up her spine. Tom walked around her desk, he knelt down and swung her chair towards him, for half a second she considered taking a swing at his face. His hands closed over hers. He took a deep breath, then he looked her in the eyes. The naked soul wrenching fear she read there shocked her. ‘do not do this to me’ she read the message clearly.   
“I’m not Will, I will not allow you to throw yourself away because you think it’s your job to protect everyone else. Where ever we go we go together. You want to go fight the borg? Then we will go fight the borg. But together. Whatever happens, happens.”   
“but the crew-”  
“We protect the crew, you and me.” he pressed his forehead against hers “please don’t leave me.”  
“I’m not going anywhere, I swear.” Chris could tell that he still didn’t believe her, “you are mine and all the admirals and all the borg in the galaxy can’t change that”   
“I used to think I was a mistake, I don’t think that now” he paused the hands gripping hers trembled for a minute and Tom flushed bright red. “I think the universe knew what it was doing on that beach.” he bowed his head.  
“Another cheesy line, Riker.”  
“It’s not a line” smiling, he shook his head and kissed her gently. “and you forgot something.”  
“What?”  
“You made me your first officer, it’s my job to keep you alive. Are you going to let me do my job?”  
“I suppose when you put it like that, I’m sorry I scared you.” Chris studied her nails for a minute, considering her next words. “i think part of me is still that kid at wolf 359, I push her down. But she is still there and she is still scared.” he tucked a strand of hair over her ear, his forehead wrinkling with thought.  
“tell me something about Izzy, you never talk about her.” Tom’s voice was hesitant as if worried he was impinging on territory he had no right to.  
“Why?”  
“just tell me something, anything”  
“She was crazy about hummingbirds, she used to feed them from our dorm window at the academy”  
“See now you are smiling” he kissed her smile, “You have to focus on the good Chris”  
“Coming from you that is quite the statement,”  
“Well, lets just say I’ve had an epiphany.”  
“What do you think about?” she held out a hand and he hauled her up.  
“Going home, one day” he half shrugged, “Where ever that turns out to be.” he looked away, Chris impulsively hugged him. Tom held her tight for a second, “I’m going to have to scrub the security footage in here as well.”  
“You know what?”  
“What?”  
“Don’t bother, just leave it” Chris ran her thumb along his bottom lip teasingly. “If we make it through this mission alive, do you want to do something really stupid?”  
“Define really stupid?” Tom’s smile was wide and happy, his eyes flashed with amusement. Chris felt suddenly weightless, the years rolled back. She touched his cheek and was on that beach. Her back a mass of agony and those bright blue eyes pleading with her not to die. She had dreamed about that moment for years afterwards, now though she could see him clearly; the boy on the beach. He was there in Tom’s eyes, Will had left him behind; Literally buried on Nervala 4.  
“Hey you okay? What were you going to say?” he was frowning. Chris curled her fingers into his hair. She felt weird, like a note had changed somewhere, or something that had been wrong was now right.  
“I love you,” hardly words, more breath. Not just a declaration this time a promise. Tom caught the added depth.  
“I love you too, so what is this stupid thing?”   
“marry me.” the words escaped Chris’ mouth without thinking, she snapped her mouth shut.  
“That’s pretty stupid, but,” he laughed, “when we get out of this mission alive, yes I’ll marry you.”  
“Good” she kissed him briefly and let go.   
“So, what are we going to do about the borg?”  
“I have an idea, though it might just kill us.”


	32. I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep,

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> plot. angst. ah you know the drill.

Tom watched Chris carefully, they were back in the briefing room awaiting the senior officers. He was sat at the table, Chris was standing staring off into space. “What do you think they are going to say?” he asked softly. Chris shrugged, she draped her arms over the back of her chair and sighed.  
“I don’t know. I’m asking them to disobey direct orders.” she stood up sharply and walked to the window, hugging herself as if cold. Tom drummed his fingers on the table.  
“I suspect the only one who will cause trouble is Welbeck.”  
“I know,” a sharp retort. “Sorry, feeling a little defensive.” she added after a second.  
“It’s fine.” He watched her pace back and forth, aching to hold her, knowing that right now she was trying to gather herself together to present a cool face to her crew. It hurt him a little watching her withdraw into herself and away from him, the reality of captaincy; you were always alone. Why had he ever wanted command? “Captain, I-” she shook her head silencing him. He read the message loud and clear, ‘not now’.  
The doors to the bridge slid open and Welbeck walked in followed by Nadira. Welbeck was gesticulating wildly and smiling, he fell silent when he saw the captain and Tom. “sit down” Chris ordered them. The younger officers did as they were told, their eyes flicking nervously between their Captain and Tom. Visser and the Doctor chose that moment to enter their eyes roved the frozen tableau and they took their seats in silence. Chris flashed a look over her shoulder, Tom could see the nerves she was trying to hide. ‘I’m here’ he tried to tell her, her lashes dipped once in acknowledgement.  
“I have decided that I will not allow the borg to destroy the Romulan colonies.” Chris’s voice cut through the silence. she was still facing the window, her head bowed slightly. In response, Visser nodded vehemently, the veteran looked relieved. Nadira shrugged her acceptance, but Welbeck went quite pale, his hands twitched into fists. Tom caught the younger man’s gaze and glared at him. This time it didn’t work.  
“With all due respect Captain”, there was precious little respect in his tone “This is suicide! We have our orders.” Tom opened his mouth to respond, but Chris shut him up with a warning look over her shoulder. she turned round and with deliberate slowness sat down.  
“Well then Mr Welbeck we have a problem” Expression stony, she laced her fingers together and leaned forward pinning the hapless Welbeck with a dagger-like stare. clearly unnerved Welbeck, squirmed in his seat as tense seconds dragged by. “What do you think we should do?” her voice was as smooth as silk, but Welbeck flinched.  
“I don’t know captain, I was just suggesting caution” Tom pushed down a smile, Welbeck was back peddling so fast he expected his chair to fly backwards.  
“Noted” Chris said crisply, Tom detected a hint of a victorious smile twitching her lips as she turned that enquiring eyes on the rest of her officers. This time, no one looked away.  
“The borg are like an infection” Doctor Arius growled unprompted, “we need to stop them before they spread further” Chris nodded to the Doctor, Tom didn’t know him well, he tended to hide in sickbay sallying forth only occasionally to join the rest of the crew in the mess hall. Nadira had hinted at a dark story there, but Tom had been unable to find out what exactly. The Doctors service record was sealed. Now seeing the Kelpian’s eyes burn with rage, Tom wasn’t sure he wanted to know what was behind that kind of pain. Chris knew the story, he could tell by the way she granted the doctor acceptance of his pain. If it was possible he loved her a little more in that moment.  
“When the Enterprise encountered the Borg before wolf 359, they managed to get them to drop out of warp, by taking out power distribution nodes. We are going to try something similar.”   
“Captain, the borg have adapted since then and if I remember the Enterprise sent an away team to that vessel” Visser’s tone was mild, he shrugged. Tom felts Chris’ eyes on him, he took a breath. He was disliking this plan more and more, but he couldn’t let the crew know that.  
“Yes they did, but we have adapted too, we have ablative shielding, inter phasic torpedoes. The plan, is to sting them enough so they stop to scratch.” Visser did not look reassured, the Chief engineer sat back in his chair, freckled face wrinkled with thought.  
“can I make a suggestion Captain?”  
“By all means Chief.”  
“So you want to overload their power matrix, hurt them enough so they stop attacking the colonies”  
“That’s right” Tom felt Chris’ leg brush against his as she shifted in her seat. He had to stop himself from reaching down to curl his fingers round her thigh, definitely not appropriate.  
“Then can I suggest we also deploy mines, the more fire power we can throw at them, the more likely they are to break off.”  
“Good idea Mr Visser.”   
“What if they stop attacking the planet and go for us instead.” Tom pointed out, “I’m not saying it’s a bad idea, just making you aware of the risks, sir.”  
“Serves me right for promoting you I suppose.” that got a general laugh from the table, releasing a little of the tension in the air. Tom let himself grin.  
“I take it you want them to chase us” he clarified, Chris raised an amused eyebrow at him, under the table her leg pressed against his.  
“yeah, if we can keep them away from the planet, the surviving population will have time to escape. The Romulans are sending ships to evacuate.” she stood up and activated the table display, a schematic of a borg cube flashed into holographic life a few inches above the table. “it’s been over a year since star fleet encountered the Borg.” Chris enlarged the projection with a flick of her fingers, “The last encounter was when Admiral Janeway destroyed the transwarp hub.”  
“And we thought they were safely sealed in the delta quadrant.” Visser interjected dolefully.  
“That we did Chief, we know better now.”   
“Suppose it was naive of us to hope they were gone.” Welbeck this time, the young officer sounded deflated.   
“Nothing wrong with hope Lieutenant” Chris sighed.  
“What if they go transwarp, we won’t be able to track them?”  
“Mr Visser, can you modify a probe to match the hull signature of the Borg cube?”  
“yes, but it won’t survive transwarp”  
“It will if it’s stuck to the hull, I want simple, inert and a signal we can recognise, but the borg think is harmless”   
“I think I could knock something up, a small subspace transceiver, tuned to the lowest subspace frequencies should work.” Visser’s face grew animated as he considered the problem.  
“Sounds good Chief, you have two hours I suggest you get moving.” Visser nodded accepting his dismissal and strode out. Tom realised Chris was looking at him. “Tom I want you at the con for this.” Tom had known the announcement was coming, they had already discussed it. He felt the weight of the responsibility, it scared him. The ‘what ifs’ were darkening his thoughts, what if he lost everything again? He must have zoned out for a moment because Chris nudged his leg under the table and glared at him.  
“Yes Captain” he stuttered and dragged his attention back to the here and now. Chris was already turning to Nadira.  
“It’s not that I don’t trust your skills Ensign.”  
“What ever you think best sir.”   
“Right dismissed get to your stations, last minute weapon checks. Nadira assist Visser if he needs you.” Tom rose to leave with the others, Chris checked him with a touch to his arm. “Number One, a moment.” he sat back down.  
“You don’t really need me here do you?” He whispered once the room was empty.   
“I always need you Tom.” The mask wavered a little then vanished completely, Tom reached over and gripped her hand.   
“Is this going to work?”  
“I hope so” he heard the pain in her voice, the fear. Impulsively he pulled her into his lap. She laid a hand on his chest fingers plucking at the fabric of his uniform. He caught it and raised it to his lips kissing the knuckles briefly.  
“Are you okay?”  
“No, but I think that makes two of us.”  
“yeah, I’ll admit I am worried. we’ll be okay.” He said it as much to reassure himself as much as her. “Everything will be fine.”

“Nice of you to join us number one” Chris said mildly as Tom jogged on to the bridge. She raised a quizzical eyebrow at him.  
“Sorry Captain, loading the mines took longer than anticipated.”  
“well waltz on to my bridge late again and you will have to be disciplined.” The murmurs from the rest of the bridge crew abruptly halted. Hot blood rushed to his face, but not for the reason the crew must have been thinking, he saw the laughter sparking in her eyes and had to bite down on the smile that tried to force it’s way on to his lips.  
“Aye Captain.” he managed to reply aware that his voice was higher than normal, he coughed struggling to compose himself and turned to Welbeck “Status?”   
“Visual contact with the Borg, Commander.”  
“On screen” Chris ordered. Tom let his gaze flick over to his captain, Chris leaned forward in her chair, her fingers curled round her mouth. The cube appeared on the screen huge, menacing already it was carving pieces out of the purple oceaned globe. His fears were cresting now, chilly doubt creeping up his spine.  
“Take the con Number One” Chris said softly. He wanted to refuse, suddenly it all felt like too much of a risk. Chris must have sensed his hesitation, she sat back in her chair and caught his eye. “Tom, now.”  
“Aye sir” his feet felt like blocks of stone, Nadira stood up giving up her seat. The Andorian was very pale, blue skin almost white. As she passed by Tom gave her what he hoped was a reassuring smile, the one he got in return was more of a grimace. He sat down heavily and turned his attention to the navigation console, he hoped Chris’ faith in him was justified.  
“Nadira, assist Welbeck at tactical, keep an eye on the cloak, it’s going to drain power.”   
“Aye Captain”  
“Well then lets get on with it, drop the cloak on my mark.” The bridge was silent a communal breath held in, Tom’s heart hammered against his ribs. “mark.”  
Tom kicked the engines up to full impulse and swung the Georgiou in a tight arch, they swept between the borg vessels cutting beams and the planet.  
“Fire phasers, full spread”, Chris ordered Welbeck. Tom heard her, but it was distant. He concentrated on guiding the ship back the way they had come.   
“Their shields are holding, phasers didn’t touch them.” Welbeck called out his voice an octave higher than normal.  
“As expected, lieutenant. Steady your nerve.” Chris’s voice was calm, it cut through everything else. “Deploy the mines”  
“Aye Captain” Tom dropped their speed a fraction so the mines would deploy evenly. Then urged the ship to go faster. The sensors were telling him that the cube was leaving orbit, following them. “recloaking, now sir” Tom called out risking a single glance over his shoulder. Chris was leaning forward her hands gripping the arms of the chair. On screen the Cube started to move, deceptively fast for such an inelegant design. It crashed through the mine field, lighting up the viewscreen like new years eve.   
“Welbeck report”  
“their shields did drop momentarily Sir”  
“Can they see us.”  
“No sir, they are scanning” Nadira answered, her fingers flying over her console as she spoke.  
“Good Tom, bring us around for another pass, attack pattern Beta.” Now he could hear the stress underlying her calm tone. His own jaw was already aching, teeth grinding together with the effort of keeping his hands steady and his mind focused.   
“Aye Sir, initiating beta”, The cube had stopped in space, scanning the void around it. Tom pulled the ship back around. “Dropping cloak, now” he dropped the Georgiou under the cube.  
“Deploy mines fire torpedoes.” This time they were not so lucky, The borg fired shaking the ship hard, Tom banked sharply the second volley grazed the saucer taking out the forward shield generator and super charging the armour. Sparks flew as circuits overloaded, the view screen blurred clearing a moment later to show the cube almost on top of them. He rolled the ship, inertial dampeners screaming, the crew hanging on for dear life as they were violently yanked side ways. He engaged the cloak and raced around the purple globe. The cube stopped again and restarted scanning for them. Breathing hard, Tom lifted his hands away from the console and flexed his trembling fingers.  
“Shields down to 60 percent, forward armour compromised Captain.” Welbeck shouted, “forward phasers are inoperable.”  
“They got a lucky shot, that’s all Lieutenant, What about the borg?”  
“The torpedoes partially over loaded their power grid, but they are regenerating.”  
“Thank you Welbeck” A hand gripped his shoulder, Tom looked up into his captains eyes. “One more round Number One, we dump the probe this pass and then you get my ship the hell away from here.”   
“Yes, Captain” Tom turned back to his console, Chris’ hand stayed on his shoulder for a fraction of a second longer. There was a lot in the small gesture, Tom felt it in his soul. ‘it’s okay, I can do this’ he told himself. Behind him Chris sat back in her chair.  
“Do it.”  
“Aye Captain” Tom dropped the cloak one last time and the Georgiou surged forward, he banked to stern, so the functioning phasers could strafe the cubes side and releasing mines into it’s path which exploded leaving debris floating in their wake. The Borg responded in kind Tom fought to control the ship as it shook and bucked under the barrage.  
“Fire at will Mr Welbeck,” Chris shouted, the aft console exploded, tossing Nadira to the deck.  
“Shields are failing Captain!”  
“Is the probe away?”  
“Yes Sir, it’s lodged in their hull.” Welbeck dropped to his knees next to Nadira after answering, Tom heard him frantically calling sickbay.  
“Tom get us the hell out of here!” Tom didn’t answer he was too busy, he breathed a sigh of relief as the ship went to warp. Finally he let himself look at his Captain, she smiled at him. Her hands still gripped the arms of her chair, her fingers trembled as she flexed them. “are they following us?”  
“Yeah, and they are gaining. Time to hide?”  
“Down the rabbit hole Number One.” she stood up and went to help Welbeck with Nadira. Tom turned back to his console and plotted a new course. The adrenaline had chased away the fear, but it was draining away now. Where they were heading was less Alice in wonderland and more like Dante’s inferno.


	33. night is now falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> emotional angst, find tissues.

A volatile planetary disc was not the best place to hide but it was the only spot within several light years that offered any kind of sensor disruption. Tom had parked the Georgiou next to a still forming gas giant. Trusting in the vague hope that the chaotic electro magnetic fields would shield them form the Borg ships sensors. “Are we safe Number One?” Chris asked, Tom half turned, she could see the relief in his eyes.  
“For now.”   
“Damage report.” She asked trying to keep her voice neutral. Nadira had been whipped away to sickbay, Doctor Arius himself had fetched her. Chris knew they could not have come through completely unscathed, the weight of it sat on her shoulders  
“Shields are inoperable, phasers are offline” Welbeck paused his face stricken, Chris caught his eye. “Sickbay reports four deaths, 15 injured.”  
“Thank you, Lieutenant.” she felt queasy, ‘four dead, shit’. “How long will repairs take?”  
“Chief Visser says 36 hours, at the minimum.”  
“Tom, can we stay here for that long?”   
“Maybe, if we get the shields back online quickly.” Tom stood up, yielding the con to Welbeck with a sharp nod. He crossed to the command chair in two quick strides.   
“I want all available crew on repairs, shields and phasers are top priority, make a ship wide announcement.” Chris told Welbeck.  
“Aye sir”   
“There’s nothing to stop them coming in here after us.” Tom said quietly. Chris nodded, the sick feeling wouldn’t go away. she was skating on the edge of panic old memories bubbling through her thoughts.  
“well, if they are hunting us, that should give the romulans time to evacuate.” Chris wasn’t sure which of them who she was trying to reassure, herself or Tom.  
“Yeah, it should.” Tom muttered, Chris caught the roughness of suppressed fear in his voice.  
“I better get to engineering, Visser will need all the help he can get.” Tom’s gaze dwelled on her possessively for a long moment, his hand reached out briefly for hers before clenching into a fist and dropping back by his side.  
“I will assist you captain, I’m pretty handy with a laser welder.” She almost said ‘no’, she almost told him to stay on the bridge, that one of them should stay in case something happened. ‘fuck it’ the savageness of her own thought surprised her. There was a good chance they would be dead soon enough, better spend the time together.  
“Yes good idea Number One, Mr Welbeck you have the bridge.”

Once the turbo lift doors closed on them, Chris sagged against the wall. She massaged her face, trying to get rid of tension in her aching jaw. Tom was watching her like a hawk, she turned away from the scrutiny, feeling too raw to meet his eyes right now.  
“Are you okay” Tom asked. Chris couldn’t stop her self from chuckling darkly.  
“No, not even a little bit, What about you?”  
“I’m fine” he even grinned, irritated Chris shook her head.  
“Don’t do that”  
“Do what?”  
“Pretend to be fine when you are not. Will used to do that, drove me crazy.”The words came out a lot harsher than she meant them too. Tom gaped at her for a minute then slapped his palm on to a panel, halting the lift.  
“Is this our first fight?” he demanded.  
“Technically, no.”  
“Sarcasm now?”  
“I’m sorry, does my tone not please you?”she was aware of the waspish edge in her voice, but she couldn’t stop herself. Tom blinked at her, he looked hurt. Anger flashed in his eyes.  
“I’m sorry if my demeanour offends you.”his turn to snarl. Chris glared at him, her lip curled. The fear and uncertainty was spilling out as rage, the air was thick with it.  
“Maybe you should stop pretending to be Will-” she regretted it as soon as she said it, Toms jaw went slack, his eyes narrowed.   
“What the hell do you mean by that?”  
“if you don’t know, I’m not going to explain it to you.”  
“Are we really doing this now?”  
“why not? We could all be dead in a few hours,”  
“And this is how you want to spend that time?”   
“No, of course not”   
“Is that why you are pushing me away, because you think we are dead already?” he stared at her, Chris shifted her feet, he was right and she hated that he knew her so well. When she didn’t answer he took a step towards her.“I’m trying to be the person you want,” there was a new hopelessness in his eyes.   
“I can’t watch you die.”she admitted, same old song, the same old panic nipping at her thoughts. “Why does this keep happening to me? What did I do?” She spat, the anguish was a pain lodged deep in her chest. The rage drained from Toms face he let out a deep sigh.  
“I’m right here, Chris I’m not going anywhere,”   
“You don’t know that.” She wanted to believe him. “You can’t possibly know that,”they stared at each other.  
“What are we doing?” Tom shook his head and straightened up, Chris heard him take a ragged breath. “I’m so sorry, Christ Chris-”  
“No I’m sorry, this whole thing it’s getting to me.” Chris rubbed her forehead, a headache was starting to spread across her temples.“Tom I need to know that I am not the only one scared shitless right now, I don’t need a brave face from you, I need to know you understand.” she folded her arms and swallowed the sob trying to crawl out of her throat. She stared at the wall, avoiding his eyes, feeling emptied out. “don’t hide from me Tom.”   
“I’m not hiding-” he said vehemently and then snapped his mouth shut, there was a heavy silence. Tom paced the small space, “Dammit, fuck!” the words hissed under his breath. He stopped abruptly and faced her.“you’re right” his shoulders slumped. “I’m scared. I’m terrified.” His voice was hesitant, the admission dragged from some deep place. “And I’m having trouble rationalising maybe losing what ever this thing between us is, for the sake of strangers.” Chris flinched as he punched the wall. “I know it’s the right thing to do, but still-” he shrugged and rubbed his knuckles.   
“Yeah, the right thing” Chris repeated grudgingly, her voice was a strangulated miserable whisper, the unfairness of the universe was galling.  
“I know, I know, but it’s like-” He paused frowning as he thought for a moment,“You ever been fishing?”  
“Yes actually”  
“My Dad used to take me when I was small, before things got really bad between us”  
“I know, Will told me.” Unconsciously, they had drawn closer together. Chris reached and touched his cheek, fingers tracing the old scar that cut such an angry welt across his skin.  
“I used to have nightmares about the fish caught on the line, tugging away unable to escape. That’s how I feel now, trapped.” she felt his fingers tangle in her hair. “I just want to take you and run as far away from all this as we can. But I can’t because we have to do the right thing.”  
“It’s not fair,” there she said it, the root of it. ‘it’s not fair.’  
“No it isn’t,” Tom’s hands settled on her shoulders.“I love you” he whispered earnestly. Those summer sky eyes pleading with her not to give up.   
“And if all we have is the next few hours?”  
“Then that’s all we have.” he smiled sadly. “I’ll fight for every second with you.”he stopped and laughed darkly. “I guess that sounded pretty sappy.”  
“just a bit,” She curled her fingers round his neck. “but, I know you mean it, cheesy line or not.”  
“Always.” he pulled her against his chest, she wanted to push him away, she wanted to run before the pain caught up all over again. But she could no more shirk him off than cut her heart in two.  
“I love you too.” she muttered into his hair.  
“I want to scream” he admitted.  
“I know.”  
“But I can’t.”his voice caught in his chest, he dragged in a breath tried to centre himself.  
“I know, me too. But I’m here, I know.” she wiped the traitorous tears from his eyes, he sagged against her. she rubbed his neck gently, “I’ve got you.”  
“I wasn’t hiding,” he took a deep breath smiling “I didn’t want you to worry about me.”  
“I always worry about you.”she drew his face down close and pressed her lips briefly to his. “So I am a neurotic mess, still want to marry me?” his smile grew wider, the corners of his mouth twitching with suppressed laughter.  
“that’s not new information.” Fleetingly, his fingertips grazed her jaw tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “So once again, yes I’ll marry you.”  
“We better fix the ship then.” 

“you know when I was on the Enterprise, Will never mentioned you to me”  
“That is not surprising. I hurt him really badly.” Chris sighed. “Pass me that laser welder, will you.” Tom picked up the tool and tossed it to her, she caught it and ducked back into the injector assembly.  
“Deanna did though.”  
“What?” There was a clatter, presumably the welder.  
“Not by name. She told me Will had lost someone close to him recently.”  
“Oh” Chris’ voice was subdued, she stuck her head out of the conduit tunnel. “Did she tell you anything else?”  
“No, not really. She seemed to not want to talk about it. Did Will tell you about me?”  
“Yeah he wrote to me a lot while I was in prison.” Chris waved a hand at him, “Chuck me the anti matter regulator and keep an eye on the flow while I recalibrate.”  
“Aye Sir, pressure is at 3000 milli-cocranes and holding. What did he say about me?”  
“He wasn’t very happy about your existence.”  
“Well I could have told you that. Pressures stable.”  
“Containment field integrity?”  
“95%, he wasn’t exactly happy to find out he had a brother.” Tom snorted. Chris emerged from the ships entrails and stood up.  
“He got used to it, he worried about you when you left the Ganges.”  
“Well that’s nice, pity his concern didn’t extend to getting me out of prison.” Tom knew he sounded bitter, he shrugged at Chris. “I always knew that I had to get myself out of there, that no-one was coming for me.” Chris laid a hand on his arm, the small smile she gave him was balm to his soul. “Water under the bridge” he assured her.  
“I know, number one. Come on there is a fried EPS conduit in the next section and a bunch of burned out relays.” Chris pointed to the tool kit. Tom snapped it shut and swung it over his shoulder.  
“Lead the way.”  
They walked in silence for a while, there were no other crewmembers on this deck. Tom allowed himself to shyly take Chris’ hand. “Are you okay?” he asked after a while, she seemed pre-occupied. Not surprising considering the state of the ship, but Tom sensed it was more than that.  
“I’m sorry about earlier,”  
“You already apologised, I shouldn’t have reacted.” Tom was a little ashamed of himself, the surge of irrational anger had come out of nowhere.  
“I was cruel, I think my edges are a little too sharp sometimes. I never used to be this, this-” she threw her hands up in frustration, “Volatile.”   
“We are both stressed” he reminded her, but she shook her head and moved a pace or two away, stopping by a panel.  
“The conduit is behind here, we should reroute the relays first.” she hunkered down and pulled the panel off savagely, it fell on the deck with a loud clang.“I’ve been thinking about whether or not to tell you something.” She fell silent abruptly, Tom didn’t like the look in her eyes.   
“What is it?” He demanded, worried.  
“Pass me the toolkit.” He passed it to her wordlessly. “Thanks I, um- shit” she fumbled with the catch for a minute then sat back on her haunches, breathing hard.  
“Hey, my Captain” he whispered trying to catch her eye. After a moment or two she looked up at him.  
“I’m okay” she said softly.  
“Really?” Tom lowered himself to his knees and flipped open the case. He found a laser cutter and started to remove one of the blackened circuits. “I’ll reroute these through secondary systems.”   
“you cut, I’ll reroute” she paused and reached into the case for a tricorder. “After Izzy died, I was diagnosed with PTSD, you know what that is?”  
“Yeah, I do.” he reached out and stilled her shaking hand.  
“I nearly ended up with a medical discharge, but I got through it.”  
“I see,” Tom strove to keep his tone neutral, trying to encourage her to talk.  
“I came close to relapsing a couple of times, but I had help.” He heard panic in her voice, “right now, I feel like I am skating on thin ice and I don’t know if I can keep it together.”  
“Chris-”  
“You have to promise me, you will relieve me of command if needed.”  
“I’m not going to do that.” The words were instinctive, protective. Tom busied himself removing the fused relays. “There you can reroute now.”  
“Yes you will, because I am asking you to.” Now she seemed utterly composed, her hands still again. Tom looked at her and saw right through the mask, just as she always saw through him.  
“All right, what ever you need, when ever you need it.” he promised grudgingly.  
“Thank you. Better get this finish-” The deck pitched suddenly throwing them both on the floor, Tom struggled to his feet and dragged Chris upright as another distant bang rumbled through the ship.   
“What the hell was that!”  
“I don’t know” they clung together to avoid being tossed around a third time. Chris slapped her communicator, “Mr Welbeck what the hell is happening”  
“It’s the Borg, they are sending mines randomly into the planetary disc. It’s igniting the hydrogen.”  
“They need you up there. Go!” Tom told her, “I’ll fix this and be just behind you, I promise.”  
“You better be.”


	34. we can make it to the dawn, it won’t be long

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry this update has taken so long, serious case of block. this chapter is super violent..and a side character dies. just so you know. but there will be a happy ending..eventually.

The deck shuddered and jerked under Chris feet as she ran, the frequency increasing with every passing second. “Bridge” she snapped at the computer, as she dove into a turbolift and clung to the wall, breathing hard, adrenaline driving her heart against her ribs. ‘don’t get stuck, don’t fall’ she prayed to what ever divinity might be listening as the lift rattled and screamed it’s way upwards. She half fell, half jumped through the doors as they slid open, staggered across the bridge catching hold of consoles as the ship lurched, thrusting her panic back down with a snarl. “report!” she shouted at Welbeck.   
“They are just blindly firing into the disc, I don’t think they can see us.”  
“Shields?”  
“Holding at 70%.”  
“Can we move deeper into the disc?” Chris asked the con officer, one ensign Tyson.  
“Not unless we divert all power to the shields, the gravimetric forces will rip us apart.”  
“and we can’t do that we’ll never have enough power to get out of here. What about the cloak?”  
“I can’t guarantee it’s stable Captain.” Welbeck shouted, Chris glanced over her shoulder. Welbecks eyes were wide with fear, sweat dripped down his forehead. Once again she regretted agreeing to accept this disgraced politicians son into her crew. She stood up, bracing her feet firmly against the tossing deck.  
“Okay, okay.” she flapped an impatient hand at Welbeck, mercifully he fell silent. She needed to think, needed to find away to get past the borg. It was obvious they were not going to stop, not until her ship was gone or assimilated. So they needed to be gone, an idea was starting to form. “Garrick to Riker, Number One, where the hell are you?”  
“Just finishing up this section then I’m on my way captain.”  
“I’ve got an idea, I need you at the helm, Garrick out.” she beckoned Welbeck over.  
“Orders Ma’am?” he asked, lip twitching. Chris bit back a harsh retort. She could deal with Welbeck’s insubordination later, provided there was a ‘later’ obviously.   
“We will exit the disc, go to warp. If we purge the plasma conduits the instant we go to warp. They might think we’ve been destroyed.”   
“And what if they realise what we have done, we should stay here”  
“If we stay here we are dead.”  
“it’s suicide”  
“I’ll make a note in my log” she growled turning away, Welbeck’s hand closed round her wrist. Chris turned back slowly and looked him up and down. His expression was ugly, spittle clung to the corner of his mouth and the grip that held her wrist shook.   
“Remove your hand.” she kept her voice quiet, aware of the stares of the rest of the crew. Welbeck’s grip dropped away. “Carry out my orders Lieutenant.”  
“No! This is insane, we should go deeper into the disc.” he seemed surprised by his own daring, his voice, high panicked. Chris folded her arms, another blast shook the hull. She waited until the vibrations faded away, enough was enough.  
“get the hell off my bridge.”  
“You will get us all killed.” he hissed. Chris glanced around her crew, catching the eye of the Vulcan ensign manning the security station.   
“I said get off my bridge, or I will have you escorted by force. Ensign Elak if you would be so kind?” Elak stepped forward hand resting suggestively on his phaser, he was half a head taller than Welbeck and thickset for a Vulcan.  
“Aye sir” Welbeck snarled snapping off a facetious salute.   
“Confine him to quarters” she told Elak and feeling uneasy, watched him stalk across the bridge to the turbolift, he cast her one last furious glance before the doors shut.   
“Any other objections?” she asked mildly, her answer was a muted chorus of ‘no sirs’. “Good. Tyson, start prepping the plasma conduits.” she hit her communicator “Mr Visser, how long before the cloaks online?”  
“ten minutes, just repairing the last of the power relays now Captain.”   
The minutes ticked by agonisingly slowly, Chris kept one eye on the turbolift willing Tom to appear. He didn’t. “Commander Riker report to the bridge” she spat at the com. No answer, “Tom, respond,” nothing. Chris shared an uneasy glance with Tyson. ‘where are you?’   
“Cloak is back online Sir”  
“Right well then, we can’t wait any longer, are the plasma conduits primed?” Chris settled herself at the helm and took a deep breath.  
“Yes”  
“lets do this.” She laid in a course and waited. The ship refused to move.  
“Sir we are still at the same position.”  
“I noticed Mr Tyson, what the hell is going on?”  
“someone has rerouted navigation to engineering, impulse, warp drive, cloak we’re locked out.”  
“Captain, sensors are showing weapons fire in engineering.” the Ops officer called out his voice high with sudden alarm.  
“What?” Chris was by his side in a few quick strides. She stared at the readouts in disbelief. Her communicator beeped startling her. “Garrick here.”  
“Chris” Tom’s voice, faint slurred with pain.  
“Commander what happened.” nothing, no words just a low animal moan.   
“Should I call security?”  
“Tell them to stand by until I have assessed the situation. Give me your phaser” he tossed it to her. “you have the bridge Mr Tyson, try and hold the ship together until I get back.” 

Chris found Tom in a corridor not far from where she had left him. When he saw her he struggled to his feet, one hand clutched protectively to his chest. The smell of burnt flesh permeated the air. Chris rushed towards him.“What happened?”  
“Welbeck, he jumped me. Hit me with something, then tried to shoot me.” Blood trickled from his mouth. Chris wiped it away with her thumb and grasped the point of his chin in her hand.  
“Can you get yourself to the bridge?”  
“You can’t go after him on your own, thats insane.”  
“Crews busy trying to keep the ship in one piece, you have only one working hand.” Ignoring a hiss of pained protest, she ran her fingers up the injured arm. “you have fractured it badly, couple of your fingers too.”  
“I’m not letting you go on your own”  
“I’ll be careful, he’s rerouted navigation and warp drive. He is trying to move us deeper into the disc.” Chris ripped the sleeve from her shirt and fastened the makeshift sling round Tom’ neck.   
“that’s insane.”  
“Yeah I know, go to the bridge. call the doctor get him to meet you there.”   
“No! You can’t.”  
“Yes I can , Number one I am your Captain. Now go to the bridge”, she backed away.  
“Don’t make me, do this”  
“Tom just go and the instant warp is back online I want you to purge the plasma conduits and get the hell out of here.”   
“why would I purge the-” he frowned then understanding dawned. “so they think we exploded.”  
“Yes.”  
“I’m not sure who’s plan is more insane yours or Welbeck’s.”  
“I’ll be fine,” she shoved him in the direction of the turbolift turning away before he could argue further. “Get to the bridge” she jogged away, not daring to look back.   
Chris slowed down and hugged the walls as she came closer to engineering. She stumbled over the body of a Tellerite engineer, Graak she remembered after a moment. His face barely recognisable, contorted by phaser burns. She drew her own phaser and shrank back against the bulkhead, there was scarce cover in the corridors. Her heart was hammering again, how long had she been existing on stress and adrenalin, days probably. ‘when this mission is over, I’m going to sleep for at least a week’ she promised herself, ‘on a beach’ she added for incentive. She leaned against the wall, closed her eyes and pulled a deep calming breath into her lungs. Panic was pointless.   
The closer she got to main engineering the more carnage she found. The lights flickered over prone bodies lying on the deck, not all were dead. Some made soft cries for help as she passed, she found Visser sat up against a bulkhead nursing a phaser burn on his calf, he grinned bleakly. “Captain, nice of you to drop in.”  
“Some visitors are more welcome than others, what happened.” Chris dropped down beside him.  
“That idiot Sebastian, he took us by surprise. Burst in and started firing” Visser grimaced as he shifted his leg into a more comfortable position. “I ordered the others to leave, they should be at the muster point in the shuttlebay.” he paused then added quietly “What’s left of them, casualties were high. He has a phaser rifle.”   
“Thanks for the heads up. Can you make it to the bridge?” Chris dragged him to his feet.  
“I can try. What about my people”  
“I’ll get triage teams down here as soon as I have cleared the threat, I promise.”  
“Aye Sir” Visser mumbled, he didn’t look too happy. Chris clapped him on the shoulder.  
“Best way chief, lets not expose the crew further.” Visser looked away, his shoulders sagging in acquiescence. “Go,” she told him firmly, “Tom will brief you on my plan.” The chief engineer gave her a sharp searching look, ‘shit!’ Chris cursed silently. There was something speculative in the engineers eyes. He knew! Or suspected at least. Chris avoided his gaze, trusting in the flickering light to hide the blush crawling up her neck.  
“Captain, he is armed.”  
“You mentioned that, now go.” Visser nodded, Chris watched him limp away waiting until he made it into a turbolift.

The main doors to engineering slid open smoothly as she approached, Welbeck hadn’t bothered to erect any kind of forcefield. ‘Probably can’t spare the power,’ Chris thought, “what the hell are you trying to achieve, Sebastian.” she muttered under her breath. Warily, she slunk inside. Surely he must have heard the doors hiss open. Here only the red of the emergency lights and flickering consoles illuminated the gloom. Welbeck must be pulling energy from every system to bolster the shields. There were deep shadows all around he could be lurking anywhere.  
“Hello Captain, I didn’t think you would be stupid enough to come down here on your own.” There he was, phaser rifle slung over his shoulder the muzzle pointing straight at her.  
“Maybe I didn’t.”  
“I think you did. Drop the phaser,” Chris glanced round and dropped her phaser, she didn’t really have a choice.  
“Sebastian, you don’t have to do this.” she forced a calm smile and opened her arms wide.   
“Sebastian now is it?” Welbeck smirked at her. There was something unhinged in his gaze that raised goosebumps on her arms, like he wasn’t really there in that room with her.   
“Let me help you.”  
“Don’t need your help captain”   
“You have killed your crew-mates, your friends!”  
“That’s on you Captain, you should have listened to me.” he stabbed an accusing finger at her. “You never listen to me. Besides what kind of captain fucks their first officer?”  
“what?” Chris’ throat went dry.  
“Oh yeah I know all about you two, you are not fit to be in charge of anything.”  
“If you move us any deeper into the disc, the hull will breach.” Chris was pleading now, hoping that maybe their imminent destruction would pierce what ever insane rage the lieutenant was feeling.  
“I’ve rerouted power to the shields, it should keep us safe”  
“It won’t be enough and you will burn out the power grid.”  
“I am not going out there” Welbeck backed away, keeping his phaser rifle trained on her. Chris raised her hands.  
“We can’t stay here.”  
“I say we can, I will not be assimilated.” Snarling he took a step forward and fired. Chris was already moving, Welbeck was no marksman. The beam went wide, shattering a console into sharp metal shards. She ran forward before he could re-aim and knocked him to the deck. They fought for the weapon both hanging on for dear life. Chris managed to yank it away from him, but her hands were slippery with sweat and the rifle flew from her grasp to clatter onto the deck some distance away. Welbeck knocked her backwards with a stomach punch that dragged the air from her lungs leaving her gasping. He hesitated for a second, long enough for Chris to grit her teeth and slam her shoulder into him. He fell backwards his head ringing against the deck.   
Still wheezing, Chris stumbled over to the weapon and stooped down to retrieve it. As her fingers grazed the stock, pain blossomed and her head was wrenched back. Welbeck’s fingers were enmeshed in her hair, dragging her head back against his shoulder. Chris kicked out sending the rifle spinning across the deck, out of her reach, but out of his too.   
“Bitch!” His spit splattered against her cheek. Revulsion and panic swamped Chris, how much longer could she keep this up?, the days running on little or no sleep were starting to catch up with her. Eyes blurring she planted her feet solidly on the deck and twisted her shoulder throwing Welbeck to the floor. Desperate to end it, she cast around for a weapon. He recovered quickly and came up swinging. Chris dodged the first blow, but the second connected with her cheek. She went down tasting blood. Welbeck was on her in a second, grabbing at her collar, no doubt trying to get a decent grip so he could choke the life out of her. Her flailing hand closed on something long and sharp, she shook him off and stabbed out blindly.   
Chris stood up wiping the blood from her nose, glassy eyed Welbeck stared back up at her. His hands twitched once around the metal strut protruding from his belly and then fell still. Chris walked away stiffly, her ribs screaming. ‘don’t think about it’ she told herself. “Don’t think about it” repeated out loud this time. “Don’t think about it” her bloody fingers stuck to the engineering console as she restored helm control to the bridge. Slapping her communicator she swallowed hard steadying her breathing. “Garrick to bridge helm control restored,”  
“Aye sir” Visser’s responded curtly. The chief engineer at least had made it to the bridge.  
“Mr Visser, where is my first officer”  
“He hasn’t arrived yet, sir.” Chris swallowed the panic his words sent hurtling down her spine.  
“Visser, you need to get us out of here. Can you do that?”  
“I can try Sir”  
“Then do it now, before the shields fail and the Borg barbecue us.”  
“Aye Captain.” Chris cut the connection, behind her the warp core flared into sudden life. She stood holding her aching belly and waiting, waiting for the hull to implode. It didn’t.  
“We are free and clear” Visser’s voice was crackly with relief. “Looks like they fell for it.”  
“I’ll join you momentarily.” she braced her hands against the console and let out a deep breath.   
“I assume from the lack of being dead we have escaped?” Tom appeared clutching his arm to his chest.  
“Yeah, not dead yet. I’m calling it a win” it was meant to be a quip, a dark joke, but despite her bravado her voice still trembled.  
“are you-” he took a step towards her, and almost tripped over Welbeck’s corpse. Chris saw him stoop down then recoil instantly.   
“I did that” she admitted, Tom nodded.  
“He attacked you?”  
“Yeah. I told you to go to the bridge,” Chris sucked in a deep breath, her chest hurt. Distantly, she wondered if her ribs were broken. Her thoughts kept straying back to the sound the metal rod had made as it pierced Welbeck’s guts. Bile filled her mouth and she threw up.  
“Well then court martial me, Are you alright?” He walked towards her, uninjured hand held out.  
“I don’t know, I’ve never stabbed anyone before.” Chris shuddered.   
“Trust me, that’s the right reaction. When I killed that cardassian I wanted to throw up everything I had ever eaten.” his hand closed on her shoulder. Chris couldn’t meet his eyes, his fingers brushed her cheek and then curled round her neck.  
“I’ve killed before, but this-”  
“You had no choice, he would have killed us all.”  
“The lies we tell ourselves right?”  
“No, Chris don’t say that.” He pressed his forehead against hers. “Please don’t say that.”the adrenalin had drained away now leaving her cold and shaking. She buried her face in his chest to hide the tears, the pit was there she could feel it, the one she had spent her life crawling away from. The one that Hallima had dragged her out of all those years ago. The place where she could feel nothing, apart from those hideous times when she could feel everything like needles in her brain. Tom hugged her closer, muttering gentle nonsense in her ear. She lent against him a heartbeat longer, crushing everything down until it rested in an uneasy knot in her belly.  
“I’m okay Tom,” she lied through gritted teeth.  
“That’s not true”   
“yes, but we have to do the work, first” pushing him away was hard, she rubbed her bloody hands on her uniform. “And then I’ll deal afterwards.”  
“I’ll be there” Tom promised, Chris wanted to believe the certainty in his eyes, but the old fear was pounding in her head. For a moment Izzy flashed into her mind.   
“I have to get to the bridge, you have to go to sickbay.”  
“Chris he hurt you, I’m not comfortable leaving you like this”  
“I’ll be okay, I’ll see the Doctor later. We need to start scanning for the probe.”  
“maybe we should contact command ask for back up.” Tom caught her waist. “Hear me out” he said softly before she could interrupt. “I have a bad feeling about this mission, we don’t know what we are walking into.”  
“I know, I know.” exhausted tears stung her eyes, she was bone weary and aching all over. Tom scrutinised her face.   
“I’m taking you to sickbay, don’t argue.”  
“Tom, I’m the captain-”  
“yes, you are. But you are bleeding and you can barely stand upright.”  
“I don’t have time to stand here and argue with you.”  
“Good, then sickbay it is. We’ll be fine” a hoarse whisper in her ear, his lips skimmed her bruised cheek. Chris shrugged and gave in.  
“I hope so.”  
“It’s always darkest before the dawn right?”


	35. The things that we dared not dream before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a twist upping the stakes..

Tom watched Chris reluctantly submit to Doctor Arius’ ministrations, she glared at him. “I said this can wait.” Tom only just managed to stop himself from rolling his eyes. He forbore to comment, it wasn’t as if she had passed out twice on the way to sickbay, or anything. “I’m fine” Chris repeated and sat up. Doctor Arius stopped her, by simply gripping her shoulder with his long kelpian fingers. Tom knew from experience the Doctor had an iron grip.  
“Captain, I beg to differ” Arius’ voice was concerned. “i can see you have a fractured lateral zygomatic, at least three broken ribs and you are covered in contusions. You must let me examine you.” Tom took a few hesitant steps forward, Chris saw him and looked away her expression pensive. She was biting her lip, as she always did when faced with a choice she didn’t want to make.   
“Could you give me and the captain a minute Doctor.” Tom asked, he didn’t like the way Chris was holding herself. Her shoulders rigid, fist’s curled tightly, ready for flight or to fight if cornered. He knew that feeling intimately, had known it time and again in the caverns of Nervala 4. Arius nodded and gave them some space. Tom folded his arms and sat down on the biobed beside Chris, he left a decorous few inches between them. That hurt, the distance between them seemed to stretch. He ached to hold her, to be held in return.   
“Chris, let the Doctor look at you.” he kept his voice low, mindful of the other patients, engineers mostly, injured in Welbeck’s rampage.  
“We don’t have time for this, we need to track that cube.”  
“I can take care of that.”  
“You’re injured too” she gestured to the biogel cast covering his strapped up arm.  
“Yes, but I’ve seen the Doctor and you haven’t.”   
“Tom, don’t,” barely words. She touched her swelling eye and winced. “I keep hearing the sound he made.” her breath was growing ragged in her chest.   
“breath, it’s okay.” Tom whispered keeping an eye on Arius as he checked his other patients.   
“He sounded surprised,” sweat hung on Chris’ forehead, her skin looked ashen. “I feel sick” she muttered, a shudder shook her body. Concerned, Tom jumped up, steadying her shoulders, the eyes she turned on him were miserable.   
“I’m getting the Doctor.”  
“Tom-”  
“No more arguments, let me take care of you. It’s my job Captain.” He didn’t wait for her to answer one way or the other. “Lie down, before you fall over.” He managed to catch Arius’ eye and beckoned him over with a quick nod. The Doctor snapped open a tricorder and ran it over Chris, he clicked his annoyance at the results.  
“As I thought, fractured cheek bone, broken ribs and internal bleeding.” Arius fixed Chris with his wide blue eyes, she squirmed a little under the scrutiny. “Captain you are also exhausted.”  
“Just patch me up Doc, things to do.”  
“Nothing that the Commander here cannot handle. I’m going to give you a sedative.”  
“Arius, no-” her words were cut off by the hiss of a hypospray. “You Kelpian bastard” she muttered, before her eyes rolled up in her head.  
“You know when she wakes up, she is not going to be happy with you.”   
“It won’t be the first time Commander.” The Doctor shook a blanket out and laid it gently over the prostrate form. “when it comes to Captain Garrick, I have always found it easier to ask for forgiveness rather than permission. She can be quite stubborn.”  
“Is she going to be okay?” He asked hoping his tone conveyed the appropriate amount of concern for his senior officer and not a hint of the howling anxiety he actually felt.  
“She suffers from PTSD, but I think you know that” The doctor told Tom softly. “I’ve treated her for it before.” Arius clicked his tongue. He shrugged at the incredulous look Tom gave him.  
“How do you know?”Tom hissed, was the Doctor a threat?  
“Commander, I am her Doctor.” Arius tilted his head, he was looking at Tom like he was slightly slow. “If the crew asks tell them the Captain has a concussion.”   
“Why?, why you would lie for her?” Tom wondered again what Arius’ story was, Kelpians were rare in starfleet. How did this one end up in section 31?  
“She is a very understanding Captain.” Arius looked at the tricorder again and added “Besides, she does indeed have a concussion. You should go to the bridge.”  
“I know” Tom hesitated, torn.  
“I assure you, the Captain is safe with me.”   
“I don’t doubt it doctor, I should check in with the injured. Morale and all that.” he smiled weakly and cast a last glance at Chris, wishing he could at least kiss her goodbye.  
“Before you go commander there is something else you should know” Tom was about to forestall him, but the look in the Doctors eyes made him hesitate.  
“What?”  
Feeling useless and needing to process what he had been told, Tom made a quick tour of the occupied biobeds. There were more injured crew than he had realised, he was going to have to call a department meeting and try and run the ship with less man power. Another problem to add to the ever increasing pile.  
He found Nadira curled on a biobed in the far corner, she looked even younger in this setting. A delicate blue child, who really shouldn’t be trapped here in this bloody hopeless mess.“hey kiddo how you feeling?”  
“like I was struck by lighting.”  
“You survived that’s the main thing. I’ll brief you on everything as soon as you are up and about.”  
“I’m fine sir, just have a headache.”  
“You did okay kid, now let the Doctor care of you.”  
“She will be good as new in no time.” Arius loomed over them both, he pressed a hypospray to Nadiras neck with a gentle smile. Tom realised this was the first time he had seen the doctor smile. His long fingers brushed the fluffy white hair from her head. “That will help with the pain” he told Nadira and then fixed his large blue eyes on Tom, “The ensign should rest now” he whispered before moving off to deal with another patient.  
“I’ll be going” Nadira grabbed his sleeve.  
“Is the Captain going to be okay?” her voice shook a little. Tom mustered a reassuring smile and nodded.  
“Yeah, she got banged about, but she will be fine.”  
“Good, I can’t believe Sebastian did what he did.” her confusion creased her face into a frown, Tom patted her shoulder awkwardly. What could he say to that? He didn’t have the full story himself. Nadira’s next words chilled his blood. “Sir? Can I ask? you and the Captain”  
“What about me and the Captain?”  
“She loves you and you love her”  
“Ensign-”  
“I’m not blind sir. My mother used to look at my father the same way.”  
“like what?”  
“Like he was the only thing in the universe, I won’t say anything. I just thought if I’ve noticed-” Tom mustered a smile and squeezed her small hand.  
“Thank you for the warning, now try and rest. That is an order.”  
he made it to the bridge to find Visser waiting for him, the cheif Engineer looked distinctly worried. His normally stoic expression creased with concern. Tom took a deep breath, no doubt there was another problem. All he wanted to do was find a quiet corner to try and absorb everything that had happened and maybe come to tentative terms with the doctors unexpected news, he also had to figure out a way of informing Chris without pushing her over the edge.“What is it Visser?”  
“You are not going to like this, I located the probe we dropped on that borg ship”  
“Well that doesn’t sound ominous at all. What do we know?”  
“Nothing good, the telemetry we received was a bit scrambled. I managed to partially restore some of the sensor information from the probe.” Visser was leaning against the science console, his right leg was still encased, like Tom’s hand in a biogel cast. Tom could see the engineers jaw muscles clenching and there were the two days worth of stubble on his jaw; In short he looked exhausted.  
“And?” Tom prompted. Visser snorted and punched up a couple of graphs, his stubby finger stabbed at the data.  
“high neutrino emissions with intermittent graviton flux? Only one thing gives off those kind of readings.” Visser’s finger tapped the screen again an image appeared. “That”.  
“Shit.” Tom stared at the twisted honeycomb like structure, feeling a bit sick. “That is a transwarp hub.” he kept his voice low. He paced out a small nervous circle and rubbed his face, he was so god damned tired.  
“Ja, like the one Voyager blew up, surprised you know about that.”  
“I try and keep up to date, does anyone else know?”  
“No, I thought it best to be discrete.”  
“Not even the captain?”  
“No sir, she was still unconscious.” That was something at least, what was the old phrase? Small mercies.   
“I’ll tell her myself, the Captain has a difficult relationship with the borg”  
“I would call that an understatement sir” Visser gave him a wry grin, Tom saw him wince as he shifted his weight.  
“get yourself to quarters Vincent, you look done in”  
“With all due respect sir, you first.”  
“I will, but I have a call to make first.” Tom clapped the engineers shoulder and headed to Chris’ ready room. He hesitated a good while before placing the call, Will did not look pleased to see him.  
“I need your help.”  
“Tom we talked about this.”   
“I’m sending you a data dump and some rendezvous co-ordinates.”  
“Why should I endanger my ship for you?” Will glared at him, Tom thought about the other thing the Doctor had told him. He took a breath and realised the resentment he usually felt for Will was gone, blown away by the new paradigm in his life.   
“Because it’s not just about me, please Will, I’m begging you.” Tom made himself meet his twin’s eyes. “Don’t make me watch her die, please.”  
“What the hell is going on?” Will demanded. Tom knew he had to tell him, his throat was dry. Saying the words would make it real, no turning back.  
“Chris is er, she is pregnant.” he stuttered and watched as a variety of expressions fought for dominance on Will’s face.  
“Fine” Will agreed quietly, “We’ll be there.”  
“Thank you.”  
“I’m not doing this for you.”


	36. Before the dawn, i hear you whisper.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fluffy angsty, cuddles. pain.

The doorbell chimed, Chris ignored it. She was lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling and wishing for a sleep that refused to come. The doorbell chimed again and again, Chris attempted to drown out the sound by holding her pillow round her ears. Who ever it was and she had a pretty good idea who, was not about to give up. The intercom buzzed.  
“It’s me” Tom, his voice cracked with worry. Guilt flooded her, Tom had the right to worry.  
“Christine, don’t be an idiot” she berated herself out loud and hit the intercom button by her bed. “I’m fine I was trying to sleep, I’ll be there in a second” she dragged herself out of bed and pulled on a robe.“You know you shouldn’t just turn up at my door like this, people will talk,” he was leaning up against the wall exuding concerned innocence, right arm still caught up in a sling.   
“You should be in sickbay, did the Doctor discharge you?”  
“I discharged myself, I’m fine and I am the Captain.” She glared at him, Tom just tilted his head and smiled.  
“I beg to differ” he looked her up and down pointedly. “How are you even standing upright?”  
“Spite mostly. Are you coming in? If someone sees you-”  
“You know I’m getting to the point where I almost don’t care.”Tom laughed at her shaking his head.   
“The crew might.” Chris glanced along the corridor before grabbing his shirt front and yanking him through the door.   
“I get the impression, they already know.”he shrugged “I had an interesting chat with Nadira while I was in sickbay.”  
“Ah, I’m pretty sure Visser knows too. Welbeck certainly did.”  
“How do you know?”  
“He told me, right before I shoved that spike through his belly.”  
“Hey, hey don’t think about that” he reached for her. Chris didn’t want his touch right now, even his sympathy hurt. She brushed him off and went to stand by the window, arms hugged tightly round herself. “Chris we will get through this.” the words rang hollow to her, nothing more than a meaningless mantra.  
“You keep saying that”  
“because I have to remind myself. There has to be more to life than this,” He gestured wide encompassing the whole ship. “we deserve more than this, don’t we?”  
“I’m not sure I do, I just killed a man. A member of my own crew.” Her voice choked on the words coloured with self-loathing. Her mind insisted on replaying the whole thing over and over. She felt Toms hands on her face, this time she didn’t push him away. He wiped away the tears and hugged her close.  
“I’m right here, I’ll always be right here. I’m so sorry that happened.” After a moment she felt him take a deep breath. “There are a couple of things I need to tell you.” Chris pulled away and looked up at him. She recognised the reticent expression on Tom’s face, what ever it was he clearly didn’t want to tell her.  
“Firstly, Visser located the probe, the Borg have a transwarp hub about 10 light years from here.”   
“No!” she backed away, stabbing the air with an accusatory finger.“Admiral Janeway destroyed the hub.”   
“looks like they built another one.” Tom answered softly. ‘how are you so calm!’ she wanted to scream at him, but the words were lodged in her chest. Eyes closed, She wished her heart would stop racing and let her form a coherent thought. “We can assume it isn’t complete” Tom carried on stoically, determined it seemed to get it all out.  
“Why?”  
“Because we are not knee deep in borg, there is only one reason to build that thing right?”He wasn’t calm, Chris realised, not really. He was being calm for her, she could read the fear in his eyes and in the rigid way he was holding himself.   
“At warp 7 it will take us what five days to get there, we have time to work out what we are going to do.” Chris was not sure who she was trying to reassure, maybe both of them. “We can’t just leave it Tom, I wish we could.”  
“Me too.” he was staring at his boots now, anxiety radiating from every nerve.  
“Tom there is something you are not telling me.”  
“Yeah the other thing, I’m going to presume the Doctor hasn’t told you yet?” Tom walked around aimlessly, he didn’t seem to know what to do with himself.  
“Tell me what? I was in a rush.” Needing something to concentrate on she walked over to her desk picked up a padd. “we should run the numbers, with so many injured efficiency is going to suffer.”  
“Chris this is important.”he snatched the padd out of her fingers and tossed it to one side. It missed the desk and clattered on the floor. The room went very, very quiet.  
“What is it Tom? Am I dying on top of everything else.” his obtuseness was starting to get on her already frayed nerves.  
“No, not that.” he laid a shaking hand on her belly, “Um..one of us forget to take our meds.” Chris stared at him, she goldfished for a moment trying to frame a lucid response.  
“What?” she managed a whisper. Tom’s fingers flexed against her belly his breath whistled between his teeth. The expression on his face was one of slack jawed incredulity as if the reality was just hitting him.  
“ We made-” he stuttered, blinked and fell silent.  
“That’s not possible.” it was a lie, but to herself. Her hand closed over Tom’s, fingertips traced his knuckles.   
“it is.” he still stared at his hand where it rested against her stomach. There was something in his voice, something new.  
“how long?”her brain was numb, she frowned trying to process.  
“Doc said about six weeks”  
“So that first time, in the shuttlebay.” An inane detail, not really important, but she could focus on nothing.   
“Yeah, more than likely.”  
“Why did he tell you and not me.”  
“Section 31 protocol. If the command officer is medically compromised-” Tom’s voice trailed off lamely, he shrugged. “I’m sorry.”  
“We can’t do this now” Chris felt muted, sick, mind spinning in a thousand different directions reaching dark conclusion after dark conclusion.  
“I know that.” He tugged her into his arms, folded her against his chest. “I know that” he repeated, his lips brushed her hair. Chris felt the beat of his heart against her cheek, a spasm shook her hand gripped the fabric of his shirt. She wanted to force away the sob crawling up her throat. It escaped anyway in a great gasp of exhausted courage. Everything that poked and screamed in her mind, all of it came rushing out in a series of silent screams. Tom’s embrace tightened as she shuddered against him. Time passed, Chris put herself back together; Pushed the old fears away and dragged herself from the pit.  
“Love, you need to sleep.” Tom lifted her chin. She met his gaze, considered the lines tiredness had etched at the corners of his eyes and the tracks of tears he would not acknowledge on his cheeks.  
“You first.” she muttered defiant, even so she was still glad of his solidity, his warm body anchoring her to reality   
“How about we both sleep?” Tom sighed, his fingers tangled in her hair.  
“There is too much to do and I’m scared that if I stop, I’m going to break.” she paused and licked her dry lips. “what if I lose it on the bridge.”  
“You won’t, I keep you sane, you keep me sane.”  
“You know this is probably not healthy right?”  
“No, but it’s working so far.”  
“We need counselling”  
“I thought that was a given” Tom let out a dark chuckle, finally she allowed the ghost of a smile to twitch her lips and was rewarded with a relieved grin. He gripped her hand and steered her to the bed. Begrudgingly, Chris lay down. She heard Tom grunt as he kicked off his boots and fumbled with his uniform. He turned off the lights, the bed shifted as he curled his lanky form around her, hands fussed for a second then settled on her belly. “lets just pretend everything is fine” he breathed in her ear, “just for a few hours, please.”  
“You mean like normal people.” Chris snagged the blanket and drew it up over them.  
“Yeah, like normal, ordinary people.”  
“What about the crew?”  
“Visser is on the bridge, course is laid in. We can spare a few hours.” Tom’s voice grew drowsy, her own eyelids were heavy. She was spent, emotional and physically, too much had happened. Her mind craved safety in slumber. She relaxed surrendering to the illusionary safety of the warm dark cocoon, as if blankets could keep the monsters at bay.


	37. What's gone, and what's past help, Should be past grief.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> angst and interrupted smut as we prepare to face the borg..

Some sound on the edge of her sleep made Chris start awake. She lay there blinking trying to work out what had woken her. It came again, a low moan. Beside her Tom suddenly jerked and flailed about. She sat up, in the dim light she could see his eyes clenched shut. “Don’t” he begged in a small scared voice, “No.” his hands covered his head and he drew his knees up, as if fending off some unseen attacker.  
“Tom?” she kept her voice low, he didn’t stir. Whatever dream he was caught in was not about to let him go. “Tom, wake up” she reached out tentatively and shook the rigid shoulder. He snapped awake, eyes wide and breathing hard. He looked at her blankly for a moment.  
“It’s okay just a dream”  
“Sorry” he gasped, Chris brushed his over long fringe out of his eyes and laid a calming hand on the heaving chest.   
“must have been a really bad one.”  
“yeah it was” Tom said softly. He sat up scrubbing at his cheeks and looked at her for a long moment.   
“Do you want to talk about it?” he shied away from her touch and rolled off the bed. “Tom?”   
“No, not really” he was leaning against the window, his back to her. Chris slipped out of bed, pulling the sheet round her shoulders.  
“Don’t do this, please.”she stroked his back, “Come on Tom, I thought you were finished hiding from me”  
“I don’t want to talk about it.” he mumbled refusing to meet her gaze.  
“Just tell me.” his eyes flicked over her briefly and he let out a defeated sigh.  
“I was almost caught in a cave-in on Nervala four, broke my arm. I barely got out of there” he shrugged, and stared out of the window, Chris realised it wasn’t stars he was seeing out there.  
“Is that what you were dreaming about?”  
“Yeah, only this time I didn’t get out.” he paused biting his lip “it was so dark, there was nothing, just darkness” the words stumbled broken off his tongue. Chris felt sick, why hadn’t he told her? She knew the answer of course, he thought he was protecting her. “I never thought I would get off that rock. I used to dream about getting rescued and those dreams were so real-” he pressed his knuckles against his eyes dashing the tears away. “I keep thinking one day I’m going to open my eyes and I’ll be back there under the earth. Alone.”  
“Sweetheart, this is real.” Chris tangled her fingers in his hair and made him look at her. “I promise this real.” the incredulous expression on his face chilled her.  
“I don’t deserve it.” from anyone else those words would have been histrionic, Tom uttered them with the certainty of the already damned. There was guilt in his eyes, old guilt ingrained into his soul. Chris’s reply snagged in her chest, more words wouldn’t help here. Slowly she slipped her arms around his neck and hugged him close. Tom’s breath was hot on her bare shoulder, his chest heaved though the sobs came out as a repressed whimper.   
“I’ve got you.” her own heart breaking, she tightened her embrace and stroked his hair.“When I was in prison I used to dream I was back on the Enterprise, waking up hurt. It was like the universe was torturing me.”  
“Did you ever regret what you did.”  
“Yes” it hurt to admit it. “My life was made of what if’s and when things got dark, yeah I wished I had never met Will.” she stroked his face, he caught her fingers and kissed the tips. “do you regret what you did?”  
“Leaving starfleet and joining the Maquis? Of course I do.” he grimaced. “Chris-”  
“Wait” she covered his mouth, his eyes widened in surprise at being silenced.“You are not alone Tom and if we get out of this there’s a good chance neither one of us will be alone again” she took his hand and held it against her belly.  
“Was that supposed to be comforting?”  
“It did sound kind of terrifying didn’t it”  
“Just a bit” he chuckled darkly, “I’m sorry we can’t have one normal night can we?” Chris wiped the tear tracks from his face.  
“We are pretty far from normal, that said can we go back to bed now? I’m freezing.”  
“You look pretty hot to me.”  
“Really?” Chris rolled her eyes theatrically.  
“I thought you liked my cheesy lines?” his hands gripped her hips and he grinned dirtily. Chris couldn’t help laughing.  
“’Like’ may be too strong a word, tolerate is more accurate.”  
“Oh so you tolerate me” he snorted with mock anger.  
“Tom!” Chris squealed as he swept her up in his arms and carried her to the bed. He dropped her and then clambered on top. Chris wrapped her arms around his waist, hugging him close letting the warmth of him chase the chill from her skin. 

“i was thinking, I must have only just missed you on the Enterprise. a few weeks earlier and maybe I wouldn’t have been so eager to run off to the Gandi.”  
“You were still in love with Deanna and I was with Will.”  
“I really wish you wouldn’t bring your brother into it, it’s a little weird” Chris let herself grin. Tom raised his eyebrows and smiled back.  
“Well clearly we have good taste.”  
“Stop it” Chris warned,   
“you’re right it is a little weird” he rolled off her, flinging himself onto his back, he settled his good hand behind his head and wriggled to get comfortable. “When can I take this sling off”   
“The Doc said in the morning, why?” he didn’t answer just looked at her, a suggestion in his eyes. Chris propped herself up on her elbow, “He also said no strenuous exercise,” she ran a finger teasingly down the centre of his chest.  
“You could be gentle with me.”  
“I suppose I could” Chris flexed her fingers against his belly. Tom’s breath caught in his throat, a small gasp of happy anticipation, encouraged she straddled him. Tom smiled at her and sat up. He mouthed her breasts, making her skin tingled sending fire to her belly. On the bedside table Chris’ communicator beeped.  
“you got to be kidding me” Tom muttered, disappointed. He let his head drop back on the pillow with a huff of annoyance. Chris shrugged.  
“perils of command” she rubbed his chest regretfully and picked up her combadge. “Garrick here.”  
“Captain” it was Nadira, the Doctor must have released her from sickbay. Chris allowed herself to be relieved the kid was okay.   
“Go ahead” Chris glared at Tom and pressed a finger to her mouth, he grinned up at her and rolled his hips. Chris slapped his chest playfully.  
“I have Admiral Janeway on an encrypted channel.” Nadira’s word’s froze Chris mid-slap.  
“Pipe it through to my quarters” Chris snapped and slapped her combadge severing the connection and probably confusing the hell out of the Andorian. “Shit” she scrambled to her feet and fished around on the floor for a shirt. The one she found turned out to be Toms uniform jacket, it would have to do. “stay quiet” she jabbed a finger at Tom and sat down at her desk. Taking a deep breath she flipped the monitor open and entered her clearance code.   
“You took a while to answer, Captain were you sleeping?” Janeway raised an eyebrow, Chris felt the blood drain from her face. She wondered what the admiral made of her mussed hair and red face.  
“No I wasn’t sleeping Admiral.” she answered neutrally.  
“hmm, you look a little flushed are you quite alright Captain?”   
“I’m fine Admiral, I was-”she groped around for a believable response, “exercising.” She tried to ignore Tom’s barely suppressed giggle and hoped the Admiral hadn’t heard it.  
“I received your report about the hub, it makes for worrying reading”  
“Yes Admiral,” The reminder of imminent danger cooled Chris’ mood. “I hoped never to see them again.”  
“As did I.” Janeway sighed, for a moment she looked older, her eyes filled with sadness. “They’ve stolen enough from us.” Chris met her gaze and the Admiral seemed to pull herself back from whatever memory the mention of the Borg had stirred in her. “Well one should never be surprised by the Borg.” for a moment Janeway fiddled with the pads stacked on her desk, marshalling them in to neatness. “We cannot allow them to gain a foothold in the alpha quadrant. Your orders are to investigate the hub and gather intel. The Titan will rendezvous with you, they are closest. Then you will join with the Romulan fleet at Tranome-sar.”  
“The Romulans? Admiral with all due respect-”  
“It’s their space Captain, what did you expect? Even with the Borg in the frame the Romulans are not going to allow a federation fleet to cross the neutral zone.”  
“I suppose not.”  
“One other thing Chris.” The Admiral using her first name was disconcerting, it meant either celebration or censure and Chris was sure she had not done anything worth celebrating recently.  
“The Titan is not where it was supposed to be, would you happen to know why that is?”  
“I’m sure Captain Riker could enlighten you better than me, Ma’am”  
“He was vague.” Janeway raised an enquiring eyebrow at her  
“I haven’t spoken to Will for about two months.” Chris knew she sounded defensive, but she didn’t like the implication in Janeway’s tone.  
“well it’s a mystery then.” The Admiral paused, her eyes narrowed suspiciously. “I don’t like mysteries Captain.”  
“Can’t say I am a fan of them either Admiral,” Chris had been trying not to let her gaze drift to where Tom was sat silently on her bed, she only glanced in his direction for half a second, but she saw the guilt written large on his face.  
“Maybe you should ask your first officer if he has spoken to his brother recently?”  
“I certainly will.”  
“See that you do, good luck Captain. Janeway out” Chris folded her arms and sat back in her chair. She stared at the blank screen for a long moment.  
“Well?”  
“I called Will.” he admitted.   
“Why would you do that.” She asked quietly, trying to figure out why she felt suddenly angry.  
“We need backup, how are we supposed to take that thing out on our own?”  
“Does he know about us?” Chris demanded. She felt oddly betrayed, Tom frowned at her he stood up abruptly.  
“Yes he knows about us and the other thing” He gestured at her weakly. “Why are you angry with me?”  
“I don’t know” Chris avoided his eyes.  
“Did you not want him to know?”Tom suggested with a note of suspicion, the suggestion in his voice riled her, Chris stood up and stalked round her desk.   
“It’s not that, why did you go behind my back?”  
“What was I supposed to do?”  
“Not that”  
“Is it the fact that I told him without your permission, or that I told him at all?” Tom’s voice was like ice, Chris stared at him speechless for a second.  
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”  
“Nothing” he muttered and pulled on his boxers.  
“Oh that was something”  
“I said it was nothing.” Tom was looking everywhere accept at her, he found his uniform trousers and made a show of putting them on.  
“Then why can’t you look me in the eye?”   
“I thought I was okay with it, but I don’t think I am.”  
“What the hell are you talking about?”  
“You and Will, I’m not sure you are over him.”  
“Are you twelve?”  
“Then why wouldn’t you want him to know about us?” Belligerence in his eyes, just like when he first came on board. Chris took a step back she sucked in a deep breath to stop herself from just screaming in his face.  
“what the fuck are you saying Tom?”   
“I don’t know” he shrugged, that irritated her. “I don’t know okay.” he pulled on his undershirt and cast about looking round for his uniform jacket. After a moment he straightened up and rolled his eyes at her. “Can I have my jacket.”  
“No,” Chris said calmly and folded her arms. “you think after everything that’s happened, I am not over your brother?” it hurt to repeat the words. She shook her head in disbelief. “How could you even think that.”Tom’s shoulders slumped, he looked at her dolefully.  
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it. I promise I-” he took a step forward hands held wide. Chris took a step back.  
“You said it, you must have thought it.”  
“Yes I did and I’m sorry.”   
“It’s like me accusing you of having feelings for Deanna” Chris snapped, a flash of guilt in his eyes grabbed her attention. Her anger cooled into rage. “I think you had better leave.”Tom reached down and picked up his boots. Chris watched him sit to pull them on, she didn’t react when he took her gently by the shoulders and kissed her cheek.   
“Captain, I’ll be on the bridge. Keep the shirt, get some sleep.” he planted another kiss on her forehead. “and forgive me for being an insecure asshole, please.” Tom smiled sadly at her. “Remember I love you.”  
“I love you too” Chris let herself stroke his cheek, Tom leaned into her touch for a moment then pulled away. He seemed to relax, Chris wondered if he thought the fight was finished, it didn’t feel finished. “We better go the bridge, we need to brief the crew.”  
“I can do that, you should rest-”  
“It’s my ship Tom” She reminded him sharply.   
“Yes Captain.” The frown that fleetingly creased his brow was telling, it wasn’t finished. “Sooner or later we are going to have to talk about this.”  
“Yeah, but not right now okay?” Chris took a breath, she wasn’t sure she could deal with anymore problems, her chest was already aching from crushing down the panic. Maybe Tom understood that, he bowed his head.  
“Alright later then.”  
“Yes later.”


	38. fear not, for what comes.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> chris gets morning sickness at an inconvenient moment

Chris sat alone in the ugly briefing room sipping disappointingly decaffeinated coffee and mastering the urge to slap her first officer really hard. The morning staff meeting had been tense, Tom for his part had been verging on insubordination. He objected to plan after plan as too dangerous, or too vague or on any other grounds he could think of. Until exasperated, Chris had slapped the table and dismissed the lot of them. Half an hour later and she was still seething, the temptation was strong to march onto the bridge and have the smug bastard thrown in the brig. ‘The smug bastard who I’m in love with’ she reminded herself ‘and the father of my child’. She still wasn’t okay about the last bit, her mind shied away from the subject entirely. Why contemplate a future that might not happen?  
Chris gave her self a mental shake and tried to focus on the figures on her Padd. After the clash in the nebula and Sebastian’s rampage through engineering they were short on manpower. It worried her, how many more crew would she lose? All of them? She pinched the bridge of her nose and rubbed her eyes.  
“Have you eaten today?” Tom gripped her shoulder, startling her. She glared up at him.   
“I didn’t hear you come in and if you haven’t noticed, I’ve a lot to do.” Tom just grinned at her sarcasm and went over to the replicator, he came back with a plate of sandwiches.  
“Here” she stared at him dumbstruck.  
“What?”  
“Roast beef sandwich? With mustard” he wiggled his eyebrows at her, “You have to eat.” he took one off the plate and bit into it, making a great show of how delicious it was. Chris gaped at him.  
“I’m not five Tom and it’s 0900. Roast bovine is not my preferred breakfast.” In truth the smell of the sandwiches made her feel a little queasy, she hoped to hell it wasn’t the first stirrings of morning sickness.  
“I know” he had the decency to look embarrassed.  
“And what the hell was that in the briefing?”  
“Those plans were too risky.” he spread his hands flat on the table and leaned forward.  
“To who Tom?”  
“Don’t make me say it.”   
“Tom I am the captain of this ship” Chris kept her voice calm, “You cannot wrap me up in cotton wool”  
“I’m not trying to-”  
“Yes you are” Chris slammed her fist into the table. “For fuck sake Tom.” Lost for words she stared at him for a moment, there was fear lurking in his eyes she sensed it’s shadow. She couldn’t stand it. “Sit down please” for a second he stood there immobile before sinking resentfully into the chair opposite. Chris licked her lips and reached across the table holding out her hand. Tom ignored her out stretched fingers for a moment, then took her hand with a rueful shake of his head.  
“I can’t stop worrying.” His voice was low and hoarse.  
“You have to, I need you to be my first officer, I need you to do your job.”   
“I’m trying.”   
“i know” she squeezed his fingers and took a breath. “I have decided that I’ll pilot a cloaked shuttle to the hub and use a passive scan to determine what phase the construction is at.”  
“No.”  
“I will not risk another member of this crew, not against the Borg.” Tom looked unimpressed with her explanation, he disentangled their fingers.  
“Can I ask you to reconsider, Captain” he asked formally.  
“I’m not going to change my mind,”  
“Fine” Tom grimaced, he stood up. “I’ll be your co-pilot, don’t make me beg,” he left without waiting for her to answer. 

Three tense awkward days later and even the purposefully oblivious crew were beginning to cast worried glances at their Captain and first officers barely civil exchanges. Tom had tried to be conciliatory, but stopped short of pulling out of the mission. They had rarely been in the same room together, let alone the same bed. He missed her, but all that did was harden his resolve. And now here they were about to embark on a seriously risky mission. Chris sat resentfully in the pilots seat, arms folded tightly and staring out the shuttle viewscreen.   
“For the record I still think this is a bad idea” Tom snorted and began flight prep, her petulant expression made his anger spike. Irritated he stabbed at the console. He had slept badly, night terrors dragging him awake; only to leave him gasping and alone in the night.  
“i swear to god Tom, if you don’t stop saying that-”  
“You’ll what?” He shook his head. Her lips went thin and she snorted.   
“have you really enjoyed sleeping in the shuttlebay?” Tom ignored the barb, his returning nightmares had rendered his own quarters unusable.  
“if it meant you were safe on the bridge, I’d cuddle up next to the warpcore!”  
“You are unbelievable.” she threw her hands in the air, then turned her attention to firing up the engines. “I should have asked Visser to do this”  
“Visser is a shitty pilot, I wouldn’t trust him to transport a dog, let alone-”  
“Your pregnant girlfriend,” the bitterness in her tone cut him, made him take a step back in his head. ‘i’m an idiot’ the realisation hit him hard. He let out a deep breath and pushed his anger away   
“my captain.” he sighed. “I’m sorry. I guess I’m being a cave man”  
“yep, what are you going to do? Hit me over the head and drag me home?”still sarcastic, but her tone was lighter at least.  
“If only,” he risked a look at her face. “Chris I know I’m being stupid, but I’m trying, I really am.” he reached over and took her wrist, fingers stroking the pulse point. “This is not-” he stopped and made a frustrated noise, “I can’t figure out how to feel.”  
“you are not the only one.” her voice went tight again.  
“I’m getting this wrong.”  
“Captain you are cleared for launch” Nadira’s voice cut through the miasma of anger filling the flight deck bringing grim reality back with it. “Yes you are”, Chris muttered coldly, before answering Nadira with a curt “acknowledged”. Tom kept quiet until they sailed out of the shuttlebay.  
“I’m not even sure, I should be a dad,” he admitted as they went to warp.  
“You really want to have this conversation now?”   
“Yes Chris I want to have this conversation now, or would you prefer we talked about our imminent demise.”   
“That’s not funny.”  
“It wasn’t supposed to be funny.” That got him another glare, Tom took the sensible option and snapped his mouth closed. Procrastinating, he checked their course and made an adjustment.“Do you even want kids with me?” he swallowed throat suddenly dry. “If you don’t it’s-” he took a deep breath to steady his voice, “It’s fine” he lied.  
“Tom, listen,” he saw her close her eyes “I don’t know how to feel either.” Her eyes flicked open, she bit her lip. “it’s just I never considered it, I haven’t even thought about kids in years.”  
“I see” Tom said carefully, trying to keep his tone neutral. Chris tapped her fingers on her console.  
“I have to go be sick” She announced.  
“Really?”  
“Yes warp flight makes me queasy now.” Her eyes dared him to say something, Tom couldn’t help himself.  
“well maybe you should have stayed on the ship.”  
“Do you want me to throw up on you? Because I will” she retched and bounded for the head, hand clapped over her mouth.  
“Do you need me to hold your hair?” he called over his shoulder.  
“This is your fault” Chris called out damply from the head.  
“I know.” Tom agreed softly. He wondered if Chris had heard him.  
“Good, just pilot the fucking ship.” she had heard, he couldn’t help grinning.  
“Aye Captain.”  
An hour or so later Chris finally sat back down in her chair. Tom reached out and gripped her hand, her skin was cold “Are you okay?”  
“Yeah, I’m fine.” she didn’t let go of his hand.  
“I’m scared of wanting this” she looked down at her belly,“but if we don’t find a way to get rid of the borg” she pointed out, “then none of it will matter.”  
“you’re right”  
“yeah, I know.”  
“I’m sorry. I pushed you too hard. What ever you want to do, I’ll be right here.”  
“I do want this, don’t think otherwise.” her fingers squeezed his and let go reluctantly. “We are coming up on the hubs co-ordinates.”  
“Activating cloak and dropping out of warp”   
“Christ” Chris breathed, dragging Tom’s attention away from his instruments. He gaped at the honey combed web of death hanging against a dull red dwarf, wreathed in the gas of the star’s final exhalation. The hexagonal apertures were dark, but several cubes popped in and out of transwarp, buzzing around the thing like maddened bees.  
“I don’t think they have seen us.”  
“Good. This whole thing is giving me horrible deja vu.”  
“Care to share?”Tom asked knowing his voice was a little shaky.  
“If you really want to know, I was out in a shuttle with Will when we found that dead borg cube”   
“oh, what were you doing in a shuttle?”he tried to sound nonchalant, disinterested even. Chris wasn’t fooled he could tell by the way she side eyed him and raised an unimpressed eyebrow.  
“He was helping me up my pilot rating, it was just after he proposed. I’m starting the scan.”she stabbed at the controls for a moment, “It was just after that my life turned to shit.”   
“Oh”  
“Are you sorry you asked?”  
“A little. How long will the scan take?”  
“Shouldn’t be more than a few minutes.” Chris paused then frowned, “have you ever seen a borg face to face?” she asked softly  
“No”  
“Lets try and keep it that way” Chris shuddered.  
“I still can’t believe you were going to marry that strait-laced son of a bitch, you know you would have died of boredom.” It was am attempt to diffuse the tension, no mean feat with the sky full of Borg.  
“Youth excuses a great deal. Anyway, what about Deanna?”  
“Point taken.”  
“I mean, can you imagine?” Chris smiled slyly, “Oh Tom I sense you are feeling annoyed, lets talk about how that makes you feel.” she declaimed in a fairly good approximation of Deanna’s betazoid accent.   
“Very funny. But if you are finished denigrating my ex, the data is coming in.”  
“Let me see”, Chris peered at the scan data. “That thing is running on nominal power, it’s powercore is not active yet. Still have shields and-”  
“several Borg cubes standing guard” Tom muttered.  
“Yeah, but bright side, hub is not yet operational.”  
“Some bright side,” as if to underscore his words the red alert siren suddenly blared. “Shit! They’ve detected us. I thought you said we were safe!” Tom stared out of the viewscreen feeling sick to his belly.  
“Clearly I was wrong about the passive scan, must be a recent adaption.”Tom could not believe how calm her voice seemed, then he realised it wasn’t calm. It was the absence of emotion, Chris was crushing it all down.  
“Orders Captain.” she looked at him just once, he saw the fear in her eyes.  
“Get us out of here, I’m rephasing the cloak. That should keep them off our tail”  
“Course laid in, better hang on” Tom dragged the ship round and hit the warp drive.


End file.
